The Mocker’s take on the Albanese government’s revamped submarine policy:
Anthony Albanese: Hello everyone and thank you for coming to the launch of HMAS Albo, or if you like, the renaming of HMAS Scomo. It says a lot about our great country that the son of a single mother …
Journalist: Here we go.
Albanese: … who was a disability pensioner, and who grew up in public housing down the road in Camperdown, can stand before you today as the captain of this ship.
Journalist: Aren’t submarines known as ‘boats’?
Albanese: Details, details. Can we give the ‘gotcha’ questions a rest, please?
Journalist: What do you have to say about criticism that you have neither the qualifications nor the experience to take command of a submarine?
Albanese: That criticism is totally, and I mean totally, without foundation. For the whole of my career I have worked in submarine-related jobs.
Journalist: Such as?
Albanese: Well for example, after graduating from university I served as an aquatic policy adviser on HMAS Hawke.
Journalist: A what?
Albanese: A senior aquatic policy adviser. I am eminently qualified to captain a submarine, having devoted myself to climbing ladders all my life. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to introduce my officers. This is Penny Wong, and she’s our radar …
Penny Wong: Sonar.
Albanese: Sorry, sonar operator.
Wong: Thank you, Captain Albanese. Can I just say it is an absolute privilege to serve as your sonar operator. As the one primarily responsible for identifying Australia’s enemies, I promise to serve with distinction. And to all the young women and girls watching and listening today, I will be the strong female model who inspires you. Together – united – women can achieve great things.
Journalist: Weren’t you one of the mutineers who scuttled HMAS Gillard?
Albanese: Don’t dignify that with an answer, Penny. This is Mark Dreyfus, our communications network operator. I’ve tasked him with developing a code that no enemy can crack. How’s that coming along, Mark?
Mark Dreyfus: Thank you, Captain Albanese. I bring mixed news. In designing this code we operated on the principle that it had to be more complex than anything else imaginable. Accordingly we decided to base it on the unique syntax of our colleague Andrew Leigh. The results, I am pleased to say, are very promising.
Albanese: That’s fantastic! What else?
Dreyfus: The good news is that none of our adversaries can even begin to comprehend what we are transmitting to our fleet. That bad news is we can’t either.
Albanese: Well, glass half-full and all that. Moving on, let me introduce chef submariner Jim Chalmers.
Jim Chalmers: Sacre bleu! The budget for the submarine canteen is, ‘ow you say, out of control! Zis problem we have inherited from our predecessors is far worse than expected and we are inheriting a very serious set of challenges and there’s no use denying we’ve inherited serious economic challenges that we’ve inherited from our predecessors, which means it will take generations to pay off the debt that we’ve inherited!
Albanese: This next officer I’m about to introduce is one of the most experienced on this submarine. Please welcome Tanya Plibersek.
Journalist: What is it you’ll be doing Ms Plibersek?
Tanya Plibersek: I’m not sure. You’ll have to ask the captain.
Journalist: Is it true Captain Albanese you have demoted an officer of many years’ experience?
Albanese: No, it isn’t. Ms Plibersek enjoys my full confidence and I have entrusted her with the most important of tasks.
Plibersek: And what would that be?
Albanese: White and two sugars thanks Tanya.
Journalist: What about your second-in-charge? Is he fit to be electronics spectrum systems operator?
Richard Marles: I can speak for myself. I have spent more time in submarines than that of the crew combined.
Journalist: Australian or Chinese submarines?
Albanese: I think you’re being a bit hard on Richard.
Journalist: Brendan O’Connor, for a long time you were slotted for the job as weapons officer. Do you accept that you missed out because you decided to have nothing to do with the Commodore?
Brendan O’Connor: Well that’s a silly bloody question. If I had to decide on a fleet vehicle, I wouldn’t be picking a model that was discontinued five years ago, would I?
Journalist: I’m talking about the hierarchy.
O’Connor: Didn’t you get the memo about GMH? Gone, zip, zilch, vamoose. It’s history.
Journalist: Captain Albanese, as you know China is hellbent on achieving naval dominance and cutting off Australia from the rest of the world. One of our nearest neighbours has signed a security deal with Beijing that defence analysts say is a precursor to China establishing a naval base there. How worried are you and what are you doing about it?
Albanese: Good question. As you know before I took on this role, I was very critical of Captain Scomo for neglecting countries in our vicinity. You have to respect their sovereignty and not come across as overbearing. Now that country you’re referring to – one of the first things I did when I became captain was to pick up the phone and assure its leader that Australia will always be his friend. He told me that his government has not yet made a decision to allow a Chinese naval base in his country, and I take him at his word.
Journalist: Yes, but he is in Xi Jinping’s pocket. How can you believe a word Prime Minister Sogavare says?
Albanese: Hang on, what’s this got to do with Sogavare? I was talking about Mark McGowan.
Journalist: Talking about trusting people, how much faith do you have in your medic?
Albanese: Well, let me say that Bill Shorten will do an excellent job in that role. He assures me he no longer aspires to be captain.
Journalist: Bill Shorten, is that correct?
Bill Shorten: I’m a realist. As Sean Connery’s character demonstrated at the start of The Hunt for Red October, a submarine doesn’t need two captains.
Journalist: So you support Captain Albanese?
Shorten: I support the captain unconditionally.
Journalist: You didn’t answer the question. Do you support ….
(Sound of commotion)
Kristina Keneally: Eyes on me, eyes on me! Why haven’t I been selected to serve on HMAS Albo?
Albanese: You didn’t make the cut, Kristina. Surely that was obvious.
Keneally: A technicality only. Why wasn’t I given a fair go – just for once?
Albanese: Given a fair go? It’s a miracle you got another run after your stint as OIC Garden Island. You left the place in an absolute shambles. We gave you another chance but you couldn’t even complete basic submariner’s training.
Keneally: As I keep saying, I have much talent and ability.
Albanese: A submariner must have the ability to shut up and keep quiet. I rest my case. Moving on, let me introduce our warehouse storeperson, Katy Gallagher.
Katy Gallagher: Thank you, Captain Albanese. As your warehouse storeperson it is vital I equip this submarine to serve anywhere in Australia, irrespective of whether it’s needed on the seaboard or elsewhere.
Journalist: I must have misheard you. Did you say “seaboard or elsewhere”? Surely you’re not suggesting it’s possible for our submarines to travel inland up the river?
Gallagher: Duh, obviously you’ve never been to Holbrook.
Journalist: Are you talking about the Oberon?
Gallagher: Not Oberon, Holbrook! Hol-brook.
Albanese: I’m getting tired of the aggressive questions from the media. As I’ve said for the last three years, it’s very important we do not politicise national security. Next question.
Van Badham: Can I just say on behalf of The Guardian Australia how fantastic it is that you’re in charge, Captain Albanese? A man of strength, vision, and adversity. A man who will steer us through troubled waters. A man who will lead us to the promised land.
Albanese: Very kind of you to say so.
Badham: A man who can walk on water. A man who ….
Albanese: One paean, Vanessa. One paean only.
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