Sixteen thoughts about Taylor Swift’s new songs from The Tortured Poets Department
This chapter of Taylor Swift’s life has been the deepest gold mine for new material, inspiring a huge, 31-song double album which surprised fans on Friday night.
If there was any doubt that Taylor Swift’s new album is not a slight on the British men that have crossed her path, The Tortured Poets Department should quash it.
April 19 for history buffs holds special significance in the Anglo-American relationship, which is about as tumultuous as Swift’s romantic rap sheet.
On this day, almost 250 years ago, the American Revolution kicked off when King George III ordered 700 of his charges to suppress the rebellious Americans.
But due to gossip and word of mouth, the Yankees were ready for it.
The British were caught out.
Much like Swift’s former paramours from across the pond, including Conversations With Friends actor Joe Alwyn and singer Matty Healy, will be all these years later with her barbs and bridges, seemingly, about them.
That’s not to say this is just another break-up album, this is the first time she’s dared rebuke her fans and commentators who all project opinions upon her.
Swift is the most calculated mind in music.
Every move, every post, every stanza is deliberate. So this historical fact would have been wrapped into the roll out of her latest album. Geopolitical tensions also played into the release, sadly, with Israel launching a retaliatory strike on Iran just minutes after the songs dropped online.
Could Swift provide the soundtrack to World War III?
Why isn’t she giving us a love album – when we need optimism the most – about Travis Kelce?
Are just some of the many thoughts her new (surprise) double album triggered.
Fortnight (feat Post Malone)
The hook of “I love you. It’s ruining my life” and talk about being a “functioning alcoholic” is trademark Taylor getting over a crush or, in this case, a one-night stand that seemingly lasted 13-nights.
It’s like Married At First Sight but the protagonist has actual (emotional) intelligence.
The Tortured Poets Department
A ditty obviously about Healy (the 1975 frontman who carries on like a stoned Sir Les Patterson) but this song should definitely feature on a new playlist for beleaguered immigration minister Andrew Giles.
“But you’re in self-sabotage mode. Throwing spikes down on the road … We’re modern idiots”, sums up how he handles his portfolio and the continuing mess that is the NZYQ high court ruling.
My Boy Only Breaks His Favourite Toys
“He saw forever so he smashed it up” is Swift for the cliche excuse of “he’s scared of his emotions”.
Down Bad
Here she talks about “crying at the gym” over a boy, when most of us do the same thing because instructors can’t tell time.
So Long, London
“For so long, London
Had a good run
A moment of warm sun
But I’m not the one”
I was shocked to see Meghan Markle didn’t get a writing credit here.
But Daddy I Love Him
The best song of the album.
Where she casts herself as The Little Mermaid’s Ariel seemingly trying to explain her tryst with Healy when everyone (even her fans started a petition) was telling her to dump him:
“I know he’s crazy but he’s the one I want
I’d rather burn my whole life down
Than listen to one more second of all this bitching and moaning
I’ll tell you something about my good name
It’s mine alone to disgrace”
Fresh Out The Slammer
It’s Folsom Prison Blues for a generation of pretty white people who have never even copped a parking ticket.
Florida!!! (feat Florence + The Machine)
“You can beat the heat
If you beat the charges, too”
Florida’s most famous resident Donald Trump will probably avoid adding this to the soundtrack of his upcoming presidential campaign rallies. Melania though would absolutely have this on repeat.
Guilty as Sin?
Unless you’ve had, or have entertained the thought of an emotional affair, skip.
Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?
Alternate title “You Reap What You Sow”.
Swift prefers to talk directly to her expansive fanbase directly via lyrics and social media, so this ones for them and the Johnny Come Lately commentators (she by passers) who enjoy criticising her.
“You caged me,
And then you called me crazy”
It’s also the closest she’s ever come to clapping back at criticism, rather than leaving that dirty work to her publicist.
I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)
This attitude doesn’t work when contemplating the housing market nor should it when surveying the dating scene in your mid-30s, Taylor.
loml
Stands for “love of my life”, and the song ends with “you’re the loss of my life”. Enough said.
I Can Do It With a Broken Heart
A great tune about how women can do anything, despite – looks despairingly at the news, the state of the world and female financial inequity – everything.
The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived
A balltearer of a tune. In the same visceral vein of All Too Well (Taylor’s Version), she goes straight for the jugular and eviscerates a bloke in a “Jehovah’s Witness suit” who ghosted her.
The Alchemy
The closest thing we get to a Kelce mention.
Purely because it’s a song made up of sporting metaphors and quips about getting drunk off white wine (the tipple she chugged for the cameras during the Super Bowl).
Clara Bow
She mentions herself in the third person before signing off the first half of the album with “the future’s bright…Dazzling”.
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