On board the cruise ship that’s not ashamed to be a cruise ship

Guy Fieri is telling me all about how good his burgers are.

To be fair, the American celebrity chef isn’t actually speaking to me in person, he’s appearing on a TV screen running on a continuous loop at Guy’s Burger Joint, one of several eateries on the cruise ship Carnival Splendor.

Carnival Splendor is unashamedly a cruise ship.

Looking, still, like someone who should be fronting a pop-punk band circa 1999, with bleached spiky hair and earrings, Fieri isn’t into fancy food – his stock-in-trade is simple, tasty and (often) unhealthy.

His phrases also feel like something from the Californian punk culture of 25 years ago.

“Mild is mediocre ... if you’re not smashing, you’re crashing … this one comes with a righteous rojo ring!” The latter, I believe, is an onion ring, while most of the burgers come with something called “donkey sauce” and one even has an additional patty made of, not beef, but bacon.

This no-nonsense approach has made him a huge star in the US, winning a reality show on the Food Network and going on to host his own show for more than a decade.

A righteous creation from Guy’s Burger Joint.

He may not be as well known in Australia as in his native US, but his unashamed embracing of simple food makes him a perfect fit for Carnival Splendor.

As cruising continues its spectacular post-COVID comeback, some lines are marketing themselves as being cruising for non-cruisers. There’s a sense that they’re slightly ashamed to admit they’re actually a cruise line.

Carnival does not have this problem. This is cruising for the people who want to embrace it for what it is – buffets, silly deck games, theme nights, towel sculptures, dancing waiters and karaoke.

I’m on board with my partner and two young kids for a trip up Australia’s east coast from Sydney to Cairns and back, stopping off at a few ports.

Carnival Splendor is based in Australia year-round.

Carnival Splendor is one of only a handful of large ships based in Australia year-round, as most cruise lines bring their ships here for summer then depart to Asia or North America to follow the sun.

Among the others permanently based in Australia are the former ships of P&O Australia, a subsidiary of Carnival. The parent cruise line controversially announced it was closing P&O last year, with the ships officially rebranded as Carnival last month. Despite P&O’s long history in Australia, dating back more than 90 years, Carnival has owned the local version of the line since 2003 and P&O did not operate anywhere else (the UK version of P&O is an entirely separate entity).

For that reason, it was a no-brainer for Carnival to bring P&O into the parent’s fold, allowing for the likes of loyalty schemes, on-board apps and other synergies to be shared.

On the Splendor, that on-board app is a must, letting you know what’s happening around the various venues, when your table for breakfast is ready and how to find your way around the 3948-passenger, 290-metre-long ship.

Ocean View rooms don’t feature balconies but young kids can still sit on the window sills to enjoy the view.

The other way to find out what’s going on is through the ship’s cruise director, Simon Lindon, who has been with Carnival for 10 years. Lindon is regularly heard though the ship’s PA, encouraging us to come and join whatever event is about to take place.

Typically, Lindon, a boisterous Englishman with a background in theatre, is not just announcing these events but also hosting them, whether it’s a deck party, MCing a baby race or leading a parade of kids and Dr Seuss characters through the ship before performing in a theatre show. I begin to wonder whether he has a twin brother, as he often appears to be in two places at once, like some cruise-ship version of Christian Bale’s magician in The Prestige.

“Before ships, I was so unorganised,” he says. “This job has certainly made me more organised and thinking ahead. It’s all about juggling the plates – keeping them spinning.”

Lindon says the all-inclusive nature of cruising, plus the value for money, are the big selling points for passengers.

The Indian restaurant on board.

“From the kids’ club to the dining, to the shows, to the areas to just chill out and relax, everything’s on board. Plus most of the time you’ve got calm waters and sunny days … you’ve got a bit of everything in one go, you don’t have to go looking for anything.”

“Carnival is reasonable in price, to allow to everyone to join. My mum is now converted to cruising – she did it once and never looked back. She’s more than happy to sit on a balcony all day long and read a book and look at the ocean.”

Indeed, Carnival spruiks itself as the world’s most popular cruising brand, with 29 ships carrying millions of passengers every year – perhaps thanks to that price point.

As in most large ships, there are abundant dining and drinking options – along with Fieri’s burgers, there are pizza and taco joints, an excellent Indian restaurant, a steakhouse and a buffet presenting ever-changing cuisines.

The two waterslides and one of the children’s water play areas.

There’s the aforementioned kids’ club, but my children much prefer the pool and the water play areas. My five-year-old is obsessed with going on one of the two enormous waterslides (she just meets the minimum height requirement) but when she gets to the top of the stairs she gets stage fright and ends up in tears. (I give it a go myself and even the milder of the two slides is incredibly fast.)

Our cabin is one of the cheaper options, with no balcony, but a large enough window that we don’t miss it too much. And the windowsill is wide enough that our kids can sit up on it and watch the waves, with no fear of falling overboard.

We’re also down on Deck 1 of 12 passenger decks, which also has its benefits – during some rough seas on one night mid-cruise, the effect is lessened by our position lower the ship and in the middle. We sleep through it.

Carnival Splendor, despite its American spelling, is adapted for Australian travellers. Every price is in Australian dollars (some seasonal ships keep prices in US dollars during their visits, which can result in bill shock at the end of the cruise); there are Australian power sockets in the cabins and there’s no tipping on board, recognising that it’s not something Australians are comfortable with. (We still leave a tip for our excellent cabin attendant, who comes in a flash to strip the bed, change the sheets and clean the carpet after our youngest throws up one night.)

There are a few flaws. For a family-friendly cruise ship, there’s no dedicated children’s channel on the cabin TVs and, while there is a kids’ menu at dinner in the main restaurant, there’s no physical version of it nor is it listed on the app, meaning we have to get the waiter to run through the options each night and try to remember what’s available. The food in the main restaurant is fine, but nothing to get too excited about at a time when many higher-end cruise lines are spruiking the quality of their meals. You get what you pay for, I suppose.

The itinerary, meanwhile, feels like a greatest-hits package of Queensland’s coast, starting with Moreton Island where we take a glass-bottom boat tour that also visits the island’s famous shipwrecks. From there it’s a day at Airlie Beach where some passengers opt for an early start to head out to the Great Barrier Reef, but we content ourselves with splashing about in the town’s beautiful public lagoon.

In Cairns, we head into the hills to visit Rainforestation Nature Park, which includes a drive in an amphibious Army Duck, encounters with wildlife in the small zoo and a culture experience with local members of the Djabugay indigenous community (we all have a crack at throwing boomerangs, but leave the spears to the experts).

Celebrity chef Guy Fieri.Credit: John Lee

It’s our last stop before heading south again. After delighting in the stops along the way, the kids will enjoy a couple more days in the ship’s pool, as will my partner and I (though we might have enjoyed it more if our children had opted for the kids’ club instead).

Back on the Lido deck, I find myself lining up, again, for a Guy Fieri burger (and the best chips on board). Guy’s there on the screen, explaining another of his creations. “You’re going to dig this bad boy,” he says.

I do, Guy, I do.

THE DETAILS

Carnival Splendor cruises from Sydney year round. A nine-day round-trip cruise from Sydney to Cairns starts from $1034 per person.

The writer travelled as a guest of Carnival Cruises.