By Tony Wright
- Q&A lost the plot: Peter Dutton
- The Pulse Live: Stephanie Peatling blogs from Parliament
- Waleed Aly dresses down Zaky Mallah
- Comment: The ABC wasn't wrong to have Mallah on Q&A
Prime Minister Tony Abbott calls an urgent meeting with Communications Minister Malcolm Turnbull.*
Tony Abbott: We've gotta give the ABC more money. Lots more.
Malcolm Turnbull: Have you lost your mind, Prime Minister?
PM: Oh, that's a good one, Malcolm. Last I heard you were going around the place saying I didn't have a brain at all!
An imagined conversation between Prime Minister Tony Abbott and Communications Minister Malcolm Turnbull.Credit: Alex Ellinghausen
Turnbull: Oh, just a manner of speech. I say it about everyone. What's this about the ABC?
PM: They're little bottlers, that mob. Rippers. Haven't you been watching?
Turnbull: I've been rather taken by Game of Thrones lately, Tony.
PM: Thrones? Never heard of it. Thought you were a republican. Anyway, Killing Season? Q&A? Ant's pants. You really ought to pay attention to the national broadcaster, Malcolm.
Turnbull: I thought you hated the lot of 'em.
PM: You shouldn't believe anything I've said in the past. Bygones be bygones. I thought they'd outdone themselves with that thing about the Labor killings. Left Shorten in his underpants.
Turnbull: Yes, I heard your ode in Parliament. Thought you were being sardonic.
PM: Sardonic?
Turnbull: Well, you know... ironical, satirical, mordant; even slightly burlesque.
PM: Anyway, Q&A took things to a whole other level. Timing! Got a terrorist on to terrorise whatshisname. Ciobo. On air! Terrorists everywhere. Been saying it again and again. And here's the proof, right in everyone's loungerooms. Except yours, apparently, Malcolm, sitting on your throne.
Turnbull: Legally speaking, he's not a terrorist.
PM: Stick your legalise, Malcolm. Bloke's got a beard. Frightened hell out of the whole nation. I'll never speak ill of the ABC again.
Turnbull: I thought you were against the idea of outlawing free speech. You know, the Bolt laws, 18C, that sort of thing…
PM: Andrew doesn't have a beard. Anyway, had to dump all that. Good thing, too. Would have had to become Charlie Hedbo or something. Never liked the Frogs much. Look, this is all beside the point. I want you to find some more money for the ABC. Right away, Malcolm!
Turnbull: But for what purpose?
PM: Ring Mark Scott and tell him to commission a new show. The way they're going, it'll hit the right spot whatever they do. Tell him to call it The Terrorist Border Protection Citizenship Killing Season or something. Dress everyone up in beards.
* This never actually happened.