My partner and I keep fighting about money. How do we stop?

My partner and I struggle to have productive conversations about our finances. We are reasonably aligned in our views on the big stuff. Neither of us is a big spender or carries personal debts, and we are both in favour of investing. But somehow, every conversation about money ends up in a fight. I want to have regular meetings to go through everything together so we can be on the same page. But whenever I try to bring up finances, it goes poorly. I can’t figure out why there is such a block or what I’m doing wrong.

A lot of financial conflict in relationships is really a communication issue. It’s less what you’re talking about and probably more how you’re talking about it. I’ll share some of the more common issues, and hopefully, you’ll be able to take away some useful tips.

If you are impatient or quick to react, this is going to take some work.Credit: Simon Letch

What you’re saying vs what they’re hearing

You think you’re saying, “I’d love to work towards being able to afford a new car”, but actually, the words you’re using are: “Why can’t we afford a new car?” What they’re hearing is, “We can’t afford a new car because you waste money on dumb things.”

Semantics? Maybe, but semantics are everything in communication. There are two parts to this: what and how you’re saying it and the other person’s ability to hear and understand you.

When you’re speaking, you must interrogate both what you are saying and how you are saying it. Get clear on what you are trying to communicate. Be mindful of your tone.

If these patterns are playing out in your financial conversations, there’s a chance they’re playing out in other areas of your relationship.

Think about how much negative emotion might be hidden in your messaging – your words might be fine on paper, but your tone, facial expressions and mannerisms might be giving off a lot of frustration.

When you’re listening, it requires you to question your perception of what’s being said. It requires you to stick with the speaker until you understand them (so you should be able to articulate back to them what they’re trying to say and have them reply, “yes, that’s what I mean”). This means you have to listen to understand, not to respond or defend.

Responding vs reacting

Your partner says: “Maybe we should buy a new car”. You’re more of a saver than a spender, and a new car would cost a lot of money. You don’t feel you can afford it. You rush to shut the idea down. “No way – that’s too expensive, we can’t afford that.” If you’d taken a few deep breaths, you could have gone with, “Hmm, interesting idea, what made you think of that?”

The first reaction wrecks emotional safety. Your partner now feels less able to share ideas with you. They might worry about your reaction and start keeping things to themselves, leading to resentment and an unwillingness to engage in conversation.

The second response allows the conversation to continue. You understand your partner is just voicing an idea. You get curious, seek to understand them, and allow them to express themselves. In doing so, you build trust that you can be a safe space for them to share what’s on their mind.

If you are impatient or quick to react, this is going to take some work. Start by counting to five before you say anything and make yourself ask three questions before you give your own opinion.

Ratio of negative to positive

There’s a good chance that at this point, you’ve had too many bad conversations that you’re both coming into conversations full of anxiety and dread, waiting for it to go badly.

Having regular meetings to go through everything together might be a great long-term goal, but right now, you need to rebuild emotional trust and safety. This can take a lot of work and time.

So, for now, you might want to start having lighter conversations that are lower stakes and don’t have a decision, specific outcome, or expectation attached. Instead of trying to have conversations about the budget or how your investments are going, see if you can just have conversations about how your respective childhoods were financially.

You might ask questions such as “What were your parents like with money growing up?” “What did you want to spend money on as a kid that you couldn’t?” “What did you buy with your first pay cheque?”

The goal is to break the cycle of negativity and reset the tone of your conversations. These kinds of questions are designed to be open-ended without expectation or judgment.

If you can see these patterns playing out in your financial conversations, there is a good chance they’re playing out in other areas of your relationship. Healing the communication patterns in your relationship is a necessary precursor to meaningful financial conversations.

Paridhi Jain is the founder of SkilledSmart, which helps adults learn to manage, save and invest their money through financial education courses and classes.

• Advice given in this article is general in nature and not intended to influence readers’ decisions about investing or financial products. They should always seek their own professional advice that takes into account their own personal circumstances before making any financial decisions.

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