Every Easter, I plan a trip to my local chocolatier to buy something luxurious and artisanal for my niece and nephew. Something made by hand and boasting single-origin cacao from the Pacific Islands, Dominican Republic or Daintree Forest. Something their parents will try to pinch and eat in front of the telly on Monday.

Every year, however, I run out of time and find myself at Coles on Saturday night, wondering if kids still like Cadbury Creme Eggs, and if Red Tulip still makes a Humpty Dumpty on a wall (it doesn’t), and pondering if any supermarket Easter treats are worth buying for grown-ups, too.

Leaving most of the new-fangled freakazoid flavours on the shelf (sorry, Life Savers Fruit Tingle bunny), I set about tasting as many classic Easter chocolate treats as possible to see how they stacked up. To arrive at the final ranking, all chocolates were assessed for flavour, texture and appearance, and a little nostalgic bias here and there.

14. Cadbury Creme Egg, 40g, $1.30

Many of you will be upset that the Creme Egg isn’t higher on the list, if not number one. When was the last time you ate one, though? Having not touched Cadbury’s goo-filled googs in maybe two decades, I had forgotten how grossly cloying they are. The chocolate shell is fine – your bog-standard Cadbury milk chocolate stuff – but the creme fondant core is so sweet it makes wedding cake frosting seem like Greek yoghurt. On closer inspection, the Creme Egg contained the highest sugar percentage of all items tasted, at 65 per cent. Almost two-thirds! If there’s a more sickly egg on the market, I don’t want to know about it.

13. Kinder Surprise Milk Chocolate Easter Bunny, 75g, $4.50

Kids are eating this stuff? Holy moly. This made-in-Poland rabbit is obscenely sweet, with a milk chocolate shell, and sugary white lining on the flipside. A nice “snap” is paramount when it comes to identifying good chocolate – it means the chocolate is well tempered and made with plenty of cocoa butter. That you can bend this egg more or less like Play-Doh is not a good sign. I like the design of the bunny holding the egg, at least. My toy surprise was a green plastic frog. He looks like Tony Soprano.

12. Cadbury Hollow Hunting Eggs, 204g, $6

Ah, the mid-sized hollow egg. Easter’s number one basket filler and hat decorator. Cadbury sells these as “hunting eggs”, but I’m not sure if they’re fit for that purpose because 1. They’re quite easy to find compared to the little guys. And 2. You can expect a melted sticky mess if they spend more than five minutes in the sun in a backyard or park. I found a 20-pack for $10 at Woolies, and each one tasted like it cost 50¢. Unsurprisingly sugary, but also oily, bendy and somewhat grainy.

11. Darrell Lea Milk Chocolate Nougat Egg, 150g, $6

I want a full inquiry into what happened to the little chicken that used to sit on top of Darrell Lea’s nougat egg. That fluffy yellow guy was the best part of what’s otherwise an uncompromising stodgefest of sugar, glucose syrup, chocolate and coconut. I’m sure the egg also used to be taller. The current version is long and flat, like a deflated model of Uluru. The mighty have fallen.

10. Cadbury Dairy Milk Humpty Dumpty, 130g, $5.50

I’m old enough to remember when Humpty Dumpty would sit on an actual wall – or at least a hollow chocolate rectangle moulded into Humpty’s body/torso/head. These days, Humpty is just a standard-issue egg with a different name, but at least he’s still filled with knock-off Smarties (or, as Cadbury likes to call them, “beanies”), which arguably taste better than the real thing. Bonus points for the “all the king’s horses” finger puppets that kids can cut out from the back of the box.

9. Cadbury Caramilk Easter Bunny, 125g, $6

This slim-design bunny only made its Easter debut in 2021, but Caramilk is such a cult favourite I’m going to allow it onto this list. Introduced to the Australian market in 1968, the carmelised white chocolate is highly addictive stuff, and I can see why home-made Caramilk cheesecake is so popular that Philadelphia once released a Caramilk cream cheese spread. The chocolate could have better tempering (it’s a little bendy) but the decorated mould is smartly done, right down to the creases in the bunny’s jacket.

8. Grand Ferrero Rocher, 125g, $9

I bought my first girlfriend a Ferrero Rocher three-pack on the way to school in year 7. She dumped me at recess due to differing opinions on Clueless, but I reckon we could have made it all the way to lunch if I had given her one of these instead. If you’ve eaten a Ferrero Rocher before, this is just like that (crunchy, sweet, hazelnutty), except it’s hollow and the size of a cricket ball. I don’t understand why the Grand Ferrero isn’t filled with smaller Rochers, but at least it’s topped with a gold bow you can reuse at Christmas.

7. Darrell Lea Milk Chocolate Hunting Eggs, 120g, $5

Darrell Lea was considered better chocolate than the no-name stuff school teachers would hide for treasure hunts when I was a kid, but it was still a rung down from Cadbury’s and Red Tulip*. In 2023, however, Darrell Lea’s hunting (or mini) eggs are the best in class, with a chewy, sticky texture to get the chocolate stuck in your gums in the most excellent way. To be fair, Koko Black’s hunting eggs are delicious too, but for three times the price of Darrell Lea’s, I can’t say they’re three times as good.

6. Lindt Lindor Assorted Mini Eggs, 90g, $4

For as long as I live, I’ll never be able to remember which colour is which flavour in a bag of Lindor assorted eggs. The milk chocolate one (the red one) is agreeably balanced with a soft, fudgy interior; the blue one is a more robust dark chocolate treat; and the gold one (the best one) features white chocolate and a velvety cream filling. Or, hang on, is the red one the white chocolate one? Damn it, I’ve already forgotten.

5. Lindt Milk Gold Bunny, 100g, $6

With the greatest respect to Australia’s own bilby, the Lindt bunny must be the cutest treat on shelves every Easter. The little nose, the whiskers, the red bow, the BELL. It would rank higher, however, if some of that cuteness was present on the actual chocolate. Beneath the foil, there’s only the shape of a rabbit with a pair of unblinking, unsettling eyes. But the taste is not too sugary, the texture reasonably creamy, and the head nice and thick to sink your teeth into.

4. Red Tulip Elegant Rabbit, 200g, $7

Growing up, it wasn’t Easter until I had poured milk into the boots of an Elegant Rabbit, swished it around with bits of broken bunny head, and knocked back the concoction like it was God’s own Coco Pops. Just like a chocolate milkshake, only with a lot more chocolate. The Red Tulip Elegant Rabbit might be Australia’s most iconic Easter treat, which I guess is why Coles can get away with charging $7 per bunny. (Is it just me, or does that seem like a lot?) The milk chocolate, to be fair, isn’t bad. Sweet, sure, but it doesn’t burn the back of your throat like the nasty stuff. I also enjoy that the bunny’s chocolate mould features the same fancy waistcoat as its wrapper.

3. Koko Black The Littlest Bunny, 90g, $17

I know I just said $7 seemed pricey for an elegant rabbit, and this bunny is half the size and more than twice the cost of Red Tulip’s, but it is much tastier chocolate. Balanced and not too sweet, with a touch of fruity complexity, there’s vanilla in the background and the tempering has fantastic snap. Plus, it’s a charming rabbit to look at, with detailed fur and big round eyes – much better than the beady peepers on its gold cousin from Switzerland. Also available in white, gold (pictured) and dark chocolate.

2. Cherry Ripe Egg, 110g, $4

I could have done a separate ranking just of eggs based on Streets ice-cream and Cadbury chocolate-bar flavours**. In the Streets corner you now have eggs themed to the Golden Gaytime (terrific), Splice Pine Lime (fine) and Bubble O’Bill (break it open to find five bubblegum “noses”). Meanwhile, Cadbury has come to the party with Turkish Delight and Crunchie-flavoured eggs, and a Roses egg filled with Hazelnut Swirls et cetera. Then there’s this cracker. We’re all agreed that the Cherry Ripe is the best chocolate bar, right? For the Easter version, snappy dark chocolate is blended with bits of coconut and cherry jelly moulded to the inside of the shell. Perfect. I should also mention the special-edition Cherry Ripe egg filled with smaller Old Gold chocolate eggs. Mum, if you’re reading this, you know what to buy Dad.

1. Haigh’s Australian Single Origin Milk Chocolate Bilby, 100g, $14.90

Made from Australian cocoa beans, this marsupial has lovely raisiny, malty notes and is, by far, the most complex-tasting chocolate on this list. The shell is lovely and thick. The go-to bit is, of course, the pointy chocolate ears, although the bilby will take on a less appealing rat-like form if you eat them first.

*Nothing, however, was as prized as every kids’ chocolate de resistance, a Violet Crumble egg the size of a football. I went to considerable lengths to track one down for this list (OK, I called three shops), but they’re even harder to find in the wild than a Bertie Beetle.

**The Cadbury Favourites box isn’t included here because it’s an any-occasion gift, not just limited to Easter. Favourites have their own power ranking too, with the Cherry Ripe firmly in first position, followed by the Moro, Turkish Delight, Old Gold, Picnic, Boost, Flake, Dream, Dairy Milk, Caramello and Crunchie.