Meshel Laurie shipwrecked on a tropical isle (stranded in Bali by the ash cloud)

BEING stranded on a tropical island is what dreams are made of, right? Maybe not. Meshel Laurie reports on being stuck in Bali.

Weekend story: TV presenter, comedian and Nova breakfast radio show host Meshel Laurie at her local beach in Altona, Victoria. EMBARGOED until published in weekend magazine. Picture: Jason Edwards

I’ve seen Gilligan’s Island, I’ve seen Castaway, I’ve seen Delta fending off Jessie J on The Voice. I’d like to think I’ve gleaned a thing or two about coping with isolation and the terrifying senselessness of nature.

I have to tell you though, that having spent the last couple of days stranded in Bali by a cloud of volcanic ash, with no super-cheap nanny, no kids club, no spending money left and no one for company but my immediate family, I feel completely defeated. It is brutal out here.

We have a roof over our heads at least, we haven’t spent a night at the airport yet, (touch wood) and we’re trying to keep ourselves entertained cheaply and efficiently, even dare I say culturally where possible.

We are trying local delicacies. Here we are enjoying something called “CFC”, a fried chicken based cuisine, apparently brought to the island by the first Javanese traders around the 9th Century AD, which obviously predates copyright laws around fast food branding. The signature deep friend potato dish, “Javanese Fries” is a real treat for the tastebuds.

Yes, CFC. It’s a thing.

My son is completely enchanted by the simple local toys. Once he realised this thing wasn’t just out of battery, but actually contained no games, TV shows or music, he was disappointed. But then he received a lengthy lecture from his father regarding the olden days. All things considered, I’m sure he thought all his crap-tastic Christmases had come at once.

What? This huge device doesn’t even play movies? Unbelievable.

The children went digging for treasure at the beach last night. They turned up a watch, a foot long timber penis and a Dutch backpacker who thanked them kindly for their efforts before wandering off muttering something about his “apetrots”. Google Translate tells me that’s either about his monkey or his tummy troubles.

We decided the kids should wash their hands in any case, and we reburied the watch under a full moon. We left the penis upright on the sand in case it’s rightful owner came looking for it. We’re not savages.

The kids go digging for treasure, and find it.

There’s always a spare 6 bucks for an hour long foot massage right? And when the massage therapists love doing them so much, it’s hard to say no. I mean I haven’t seen anyone this thrilled to be holding a fat lady’s foot since I bought my last pair of sneakers from a 14-year-old at Footlocker.

This lady clearly LOVES her job.

Off home then, to our luxurious budget emergency accommodation to hit “refresh” about 4 thousand times on the Jetstar website while sipping on a Bintang shandy and hoping the other kids’ mums are keeping an eye on my kids in the pool too. I’ve done my fair share of shifts in that department, gritting my teeth while more than one floaty-wearing toddler confessed to doing a secret wee while bobbing in the water lapping at my face.

Just enough time though, before we return inevitably to frostbitten Australia to admire my husband in all his sun-kissed, masculine glory, heading out to hunt and gather like a beautiful bogan warrior.

Heading out to hunt and gather like a beautiful bogan warrior.

I’m dreaming. That’s not my husband, it’s just a random I papped outside the units. This is my husband, telling me again about the lady who offered him a sexy massage when he went out looking for a bottle of Jack Daniels at a suitably Balinese price.

Meshel’s actual husband.

He conveniently leaves out the bit about the guy offering him viagra.

In late breaking news it appears we are flying back tonight, overnight, with a couple of stops and it’ll be ruddy freezing when we get there. Would you all mind doing us a favour and blowing very hard in a north westerly direction. Sorry! Might buy us a few more days.

Nova 100 Melbourne Breakfast Show presenter Meshel Laurie. Picture: Jason Edwards

Meshel Laurie is the host of the Nova 100 Melbourne Breakfast Show with Tommy Little.

Follow Meshel and Tommy on Twitter @meshelandtommy