Relationship Rehab: Woman keeps having sexy dreams about her boss

A woman who keeps having sexual dreams about her female boss says she’s finding them disturbing and doesn’t know whether to confess to her partner.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears about a woman who keeps having sexual dreams about her female boss, despite being happy in happy relationship with her partner.

QUESTION: I keep having sexual dreams about my boss and it’s starting to disturb me. I love my partner and overall I’m happy with him. We’ve been together for 15 years so our sex life isn’t exactly spontaneous or surprising but I’m happy with it. The problem is, at least once a week I have a sexual dream about my female boss. I don’t think I’m gay but the frequency and intensity of the dreams is making me question everything. I like and respect my boss but I don’t want to have sex with her! I wake up feeling guilty and confused and don’t know whether I should tell my husband. What does this all mean?

ANSWER: I can understand why this would be so confusing and distressing for you. It’s not uncommon to have dreams that are sexual in nature and, while these can sometimes be pleasurable, they can also be about things that leave us feeling disturbed when we wake up.

There’s no need to feel guilty about your sexual dreams. Our dreams are outside of our control, so you haven’t betrayed your husband or done anything wrong.

Sexual dreams are common.

There’s no agreed upon meaning for sexual dreams

There are many theories (and web pages) dedicated to the meaning of dreams. Different cultures have different theories and attach different significance to the meanings of our dreams have.

Some people believe that dreams are an insight into the future. Others believe that certain dreams are symbolic. Some people do believe that our dreams are insights into our unconscious desires, motivations or even fears.

One (not particularly robust) study even suggested a few years ago that our dreams could be altered by eating.

There’s no agreed upon meaning for sexual dreams, says news.com.au resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie.

Dreams don’t signify real life desire

Before you worry about having unconscious desires for your boss, let’s look at what modern science says about our dreams.

Modern scientists see our dreams as a kind of ‘information dump’ that helps us process memories and emotions. But the resulting dreams don’t necessarily make sense.

As someone who has had dreams about being attacked by tigers, winning the lottery and having an inappropriate encounter with my accountant, I can assure you that dreams are by no means predictive or an indicator of underlying desire.

In short, our dreams don’t necessarily mean anything.

Reflect on whether there’s meaning for you

With all of that being said, there can be some benefit to reflecting on your dreams.

Given the meaning isn’t always straightforward and that there are different approaches to the meaning of dreams, I encourage you to reflect on whether there might be particular meaning for you.

She said dreams don’t signify real life desire.

Some questions you might benefit from reflecting on are:

Is there something your boss represents to you?

What is your feeling in the dream? Is that feeling something you’re longing for in real life?

What does the fact that she’s a woman mean to you?

Is there a theme to the sexual dreams – such as letting go, softness, power or control?

There may not necessarily be an answer to these, but some thought and reflection (even journal writing if that’s your thing) may bring about new realisations.

Should you tell your partner about your sexual dreams?

Whether or not you tell your partner about the dreams you’re having is really up to you. You certainly have nothing to feel guilty about. You haven’t done anything wrong. Dreams are outside of your control.

If your partner is jealous about your dreams, I would suspect that there’s something else going on in your relationship like disconnection or lack of trust.

If your partner is understanding and empathetic, talking to him about it might even make you feel better. Connection and empathy help us combat shame. Knowing you’re accepted and supported by him might make this easier.

You might even be able to laugh about it together!

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy. If you have a question for Isiah fill out the form below