Relationship Rehab: Sex secret that could destroy my marriage

They’ve been together 10 years, have two children and are “best friends”. But she’s got a secret and it’s tearing their marriage apart.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a wife who can’t stand the thought of sex with her husband, a woman who wants to blow her new lover away in the bedroom, and a man who hates how flirty his girlfriend is around his mates.

SEX WITH MY HUSBAND REPULSES ME

QUESTION: My husband and I have been on-and-off for 10 years. He is my best friend and we have two beautiful children together but I don’t find him attractive and I have no desire to have sex with him, other than once a month when my body is saying it’s the natural thing to do. Is it because I’m not attracted to him or am I broken? Should we separate to find love and sexual desire elsewhere? He is very much into me but I feel violated every time he touches me.

ANSWER: Without doing a thorough assessment, I can’t tell you exactly why you’re not attracted to him, but I can assure you that it’s not because you’re broken.

Desire and attraction are complex aspects of sexuality — and are often misunderstood.

It’s common for desire to fade in a long-term relationship. We often expect desire to just spontaneously arise (which it does in the early stages of a relationship), but in long-term relationships, desire is more likely to be responsive, which means it responds to stimuli going on around us.

This is great news, because it means we can cultivate desire.

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I love my husband — but the thought of sex disgusts me. Picture: iStock

Think of sexual desire as a car, with brakes and accelerators. To get things moving, sometimes we need to remove the brakes and sometimes we need to increase the accelerators.

To better understand what might be getting in the way of your desire, I would need to understand more about the history and dynamics between you and your partner.

For example: What happens when you say no to sex? Is this something that has been the source of arguments between you? I’m also wondering if there was previously attraction and desire for him, or has something happened that’s changed this?

I would also want to understand more about your sexual history. For example: What were you taught about sex growing up? What have your past sexual experiences been like?

You say you feel violated every time he touches you. We need to understand that further too. In therapy, I would explore what’s going under this feeling so that we can address it. I would then slowly introduce non-sexual touch between you so that touch between you becomes a positive experience. As you start to feel more comfortable and as you both develop tools around communication, we would increase this touch to more sensual and sexual touch.

Attraction is something that comes and goes depending, often, on how we feel about the person.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie. Picture: Supplied

I hear that he’s your best friend, but I also hear that this has been an on-again, off-again relationship, so I wonder what other challenges or difficult issues are going on in your relationship that might be contributing here.

I can’t tell you whether you should separate or not. That’s something that you need to decide on your own. What I can say is that desire and attraction are things that can be cultivated and can be regained. You may just need the right tools and advice to help and to sort out any other underlying issues in your relationship.

I WANT TO BLOW MY NEW BOYFRIEND AWAY SEXUALLY

It's natural to want to please a new partner. Picture: iStock

QUESTION: This sounds stupid, but I really want to blow my new boyfriend away in the bedroom so I was wondering where I could go to learn some tips? I’m not into porn.

ANSWER: It doesn’t sound stupid at all. It’s totally normal to want to please a partner and feel sexually confident and adept.

Porn isn’t the only place you can go to get sex education. While I sometimes recommend it, there are many other places you can get realistic, good quality sex education. There are an increasing number of classes on erotic massage and blow jobs around. There’s also a helpful book called Blow Him Away which might have some tips for you.

What men often tell me is that what turns them on most is really knowing that their partner is enjoying themselves, so keep your own pleasure in mind too.

MY GIRLFRIEND CAN’T STOP FLIRTING WITH MY MATE

There is definitely such a thing as being ‘too friendly’ with your partner’s friends. Picture: iStock

QUESTION: My girlfriend is overly flirty with one of my mates and I’m just over it. She always laughs at his jokes way too much and complains about his girlfriend not “realising how lucky she is”. It hurts my feelings. How do I make it stop?

ANSWER: I can see why that’s hurtful to you.

Let her know which of her behaviours are a trigger for you and explain how you feel. Try to do this by speaking mostly about yourself and your own emotions, rather than blaming or criticising her. Then make a clear request about what you’d like her to stop and anything you’d like instead.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t guarantee that she’ll stop, but she is more likely to listen to you and take on board what you’re saying without becoming defensive.

If it continues, you might need to ask her if she has feelings for him.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]