Relationship Rehab: Reason my husband is withholding sex

Just one year into their relationship, her husband started refusing to have sex more than once a year — and the reason why is unexpected.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a man who has had sex twice in two years, a woman with an odd pre-sex request and a woman struggling to get in the mood since she put on weight.

MY HUSBAND DOESN’T WANT SEX

QUESTION: I’ve been with my partner for nearly three years. He’s a great stepdad to my children so I do want to make it work. Initially sex was great and I felt really close and desired by him.

We had sex once last year and once this year. Many articles say lack of desire is likely not due to anything I’ve done but may be due to his low testosterone. However he’s told me more than once in arguments that he can’t feel sexually attracted to me because of parts of my personality which are closed off (I know I put a wall up). He’s an intelligent man who has said “he can’t be led by his d*ck”. I need to have sex. I can’t be in a relationship without it. We’re both in early 50s.

ANSWER: I feel sad reading your question because it sounds like neither you nor your partner are getting your needs for intimacy met.

You’re asking for sex, but it sounds like you want this, at least in part, to feel close and desired by him. By telling you he’s struggling to be sexually intimate because he feels there are parts of you that are closed off, he’s actually asking for more connection and intimacy with you too.

It’s fair that you don’t want to be in a relationship without sex, for many people it’s a very important part of a relationship and a way to feel loved and connected to a partner. It can’t however be the only thing that holds a relationship together. We also need love, friendship, good communication and a willingness to resolve conflict.

You acknowledge that there’s a disconnection due to “putting a wall up”. Examine what this “wall” really is. My guess is that it’s fear and a difficulty being vulnerable. In order to try to protect yourself, you create distance, push away or block the other person. The irony is, these strategies don’t protect us from getting hurt, but basically guarantee we get hurt because a relationship can’t survive with this going on. You’re longing for love and connection with him, but you’re pushing it (and him) away at the same time.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie. Picture: Supplied

You’ve been together for not even three years, but you’ve only had sex twice in the last year and a half. That’s quite soon to fall into a rather sexless relationship. It leads me to question what the other factors are going on here.

Low testosterone can be a factor in loss of desire, but it certainly isn’t always — there are often many other factors involved.

You need to see your missing intimacy (both emotional and sexual) as a problem within the relationship, something that involves both of you to some degree (not the fault of one person) and work on regaining this as a team. Yes, this will likely require him making an effort around sex, but it will require an effort from you in the relationship too.

Start with a conversation about what you each want from a relationship and what a loving relationship looks like for you both. Share with each other the things that you love about each other and the reasons you want to stay together and work on this.

I suspect you would both benefit from seeking professional help in order to have a conversation about sex without it turning into an argument and to give you more practical suggestions to move forward as a team.

IS IT WEIRD TO ASK MY MAN TO SHOWER BEFORE SEX?

Is it weird to ask my boyfriend to shower before sex? Picture: iStock

QUESTION: I’m in a tricky place with my boyfriend — I can’t bear the thought of sex without us both showering first but he thinks I’m joking whenever I bring it up. How can I get him to take this seriously?

ANSWER: You need to sit down with your boyfriend and tell him clearly that this is one of your needs in regards to sex. Explain exactly how you feel when you or he haven’t showered and what you want.

Then set clear boundaries around the request you’ve made. If you say you want him to shower first, but then have sex with him anyway, I can see why he wouldn’t take your request seriously.

Next time he initiates sex without showing, ask him to get into the shower with you or be clear that you’d love to be intimate with him, but you’d like him to shower first.

I DON’T WANT SEX SINCE I PUT ON WEIGHT

Gaining weight can be a big hit to your self-esteem. Picture: iStock

QUESTION: I am struggling to get in the mood for sex since I gained weight this year. I’m trying to lose it, but what can I do in the meantime?

ANSWER: It’s never how we look that is the problem, it’s how we feel about how we look. The problem isn’t with your body, it’s with your mind.

You need your mind to understand that sexy doesn’t come from how we look, it comes from how we feel.

Shift your mindset to see yourself as a sexy, sensual human being. Focus on how your body feels, not what it looks like. Get clear on your turn-ons and what brings you pleasure. Invite more of this into your bedroom and life.

If you have a partner, do they still find you attractive? Try to see yourself through their eyes.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]