Relationship rehab: Sad reason wife refuses to have sex with husband

A desperate man has revealed how his wife won’t let him touch her and never instigates sex – as well as the reason why.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a husband in despair over his wife’s lack of sex drive, pursuing a romance with someone you’ve met professionally and what to do when an ex won’t accept the relationship is finished.

MY WIFE WON’T LET ME TOUCH HER AND NEVER INSTIGATES SEX

QUESTION: Please help me. My wife and I have been together for about 13 years, married for nearly 10. We had an amazing sex life in the beginning with almost nothing off the table. Even after we got married it was at least three or four times a week.

However, since we had kids (and understandably) there was not much action. She has been understandably tired and has had post-baby body issues. However, it’s now more than 18 months since our last baby and it’s still not improving.

She never instigates it. She won’t let me touch her. We aren’t allowed to do anything but the one position. Sometimes we go months without. It really gets to me, it makes me feel like she doesn’t want me or isn’t into me anymore. We’ve had the discussion numerous times and it changes for a week or two but then goes back to how it was. Please help, what can I do?

ANSWER: I can understand you feeling unwanted and undesired. I’m sure you’re also feeling sad and frustrated at the lack of intimacy between you.

Difficulty navigating different desire levels is the most common challenge couples approach me with.

It’s normal for sexual desire levels to fluctuate as our circumstances change. It’s also normal for two people in a relationship to have different desire levels.

The ‘problem’ isn’t one person’s desire level, but the mismatch of sexual desire and how this is managed between you.

Although it’s usually the partner with the higher sexual desire reaching out to me for solutions, the partner with lower desire can also feel anxious, frustrated, guilty and upset about it. It often becomes the elephant in the room, always in the back of your mind causing worry and stress for both of you.

As you’ve found, just talking about it doesn’t usually help. Couples also try massage oil, sex toys or lingerie in the hope that will reignite desire, but the toys end up staying in a drawer somewhere.

Different sex drives can be a real problem for couples. Picture: iStock

These one-off attempts don’t address the underlying issues. You need a strategic and sustained approach that you work on together.

There are things you can do to feel more connected and loved by each other and to bridge the gap in your desire levels. I’ve shared these in previous responses, but the first step is that you work on this as a team.

Start with a conversation together to reach greater understanding of each other and address this as a team. You may need several conversations to ensure you don’t become too triggered to talk about it effectively.

I also recommend you seek the support of a therapist to give you support and practical tools to work on this together.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

Here are my tips on how to discuss difficult topics without causing an argument

1. Begin with appreciation or your positive intention

This might be:

I deeply value our relationship. I appreciate the respect and care we have for each other.

Our relationship is everything to me. I know that there’s some tension between us around intimacy and I would love us to address it so it doesn’t cause distance between us.

I love you. Feeling close, connected and like a team with you is really important to me.

2. Share your emotion

This is a difficult step that most of us aren’t practised at. We tend to share what we think or focus on the other person’s actions instead.

Sharing your emotions is vulnerable, but it’s how we create true intimacy in our relationships.

Examples of emotions you might be feeling are – unloved, lonely, upset, sad, undesirable.

3. State your needs or a request in a positive way

I’d really like for us to work together to find some solutions for this.

I’d really love for us to get some support so we can navigate this together.

I need us to take action on this in a sustained way.

RELATED: Man’s despair over girlfriend’s sex drive

HOW CAN I SHOW MY INTEREST IN A PROFESSIONAL SETTING?

QUESTION: I’m interested in a guy. He’s been helping me move forward in life (it’s his job). But I feel that there is spark and chemistry there. How can I make a move without it blowing up in my face? I’ve needed him on a professional level, but that is only short-term and could end very soon.

In a professional setting it is best to tread carefully when pursuing something romantic. Picture: iStock

ANSWER: Without knowing exactly what this guy’s job is, I’m going to be very cautionary in my advice.

For many professionals, including therapists, social workers or doctors it’s unethical (and in some cases illegal) to become romantically involved with someone who is or was a client. If his role is more like a personal trainer or career adviser, this is a little different.

It’s totally normal to have feelings for someone who has been really supportive and helpful in your life. It’s likely that he genuinely likes you and there may well be chemistry between you.

But your relationship has been in the context of him helping you, which sets up an unequal power dynamic and doesn’t give you a realistic picture of what it’s like to relate with him. Be very cautious about taking this further.

RELATED: My wife’s shocking sex confession

RELATED: Husband’s despair at sex with ‘perfect’ wife

HELP! MY EX WON’T ACCEPT THAT WE’RE OVER

QUESTION: How can I get my ex to accept our relationship is over? We broke up in person two months ago but he keeps contacting me attempting to rekindle things. I’m over it, and him “showing up” outside my work is really starting to piss me off.

ANSWER: I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I experienced a very similar situation myself – it was frustrating and scary.

Your ex isn’t listening to you or honouring your boundaries right now. To be clear – this isn’t loving or respectful.

You need to set firmer boundaries if he isn’t listening to you.

Let him know in no uncertain terms that the relationship is over for you. If you don’t want him to contact you at all (and that is perfectly understandable), tell him. Or be clear that until he can accept that it’s over, it’s best you’re not in touch with each other.

Be absolutely clear that showing up outside your work is unacceptable. Screen his calls and block him from social media if you need to.