Relationship Rehab: Man’s despair over girlfriend’s sex drive

The couple are “compatible in every way”, except when it comes to the bedroom – where things are “bad”.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a wife who wants to reignite the spark after tragedy, mismatched sex drives and how to rid yourself of a draining family.

IS IT POSSIBLE TO FALL IN LOVE AGAIN WITH THE SAME PERSON?

QUESTION: My husband and I have been together for seven years. Three years ago I was in a coma and lost our only baby. We didn’t get help at the time and I became very angry and distant from my husband, and he compartmentalised everything. It has all come out in the wash now and we are seeing a psychologist.

I feel like the issue is bigger than me as he isn’t happy in general anymore but also advised he doesn’t fell the spark anymore. He is happy to go to counselling and says he is trying but is confused.

ANSWER: I’m so sorry you had to go through such a challenging and heartbreaking time. I can only imagine the stress it placed on both of you and how difficult it has been to recover.

When we don’t know how to deal with something at the time because we don’t have the energy or the resources, it gets “pushed down”. Eventually however, it will bubble to the surface to be dealt with.

I wouldn’t be surprised if one or both of you were suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder after what you went through. I’m glad you’re seeking help by seeing a psychologist.

Are you seeing someone to specifically help with your relationship as well as seeing someone as individuals? Given what you’ve been through, the more support you can get, the better.

To answer your question: Yes, you can fall in love with the same person again.

“Being in love” or “feeling a spark” is actually poor indicator of the success of a long-term relationship. That feeling of being in love can come and go. It’s dependent on so many factors – including how we’re feeling about and within ourselves.

That feeling of “spark” is often what’s referred to as “limerence” or “the honeymoon period” of a relationship.

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Relationships can change over time and take effort to work. Picture: iStock.

But relationships go through different phases and our feelings will change over time. Loving someone and making a relationship work is a constant choice. It requires intention and effort – not just a feeling.

We need to put effort into maintaining a connection, communicating well and being able to overcome challenges as a team. It sounds like this is what you’ve struggled to do over the past few years.

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It’s going to be hard to make a decision from the place of unhappiness and disconnection that you’re in now. Working out whether you want to – and can – stay together is going to be a process.

There’s much more to rebuild than just “attraction” to see whether a relationship will work.

It will likely require that both you and your husband address your individual issues relating to what you went through, but also rebuild your connection, communication and intimacy.

Don’t lose hope. Stay in the process. I’ve seen many couples recover from the brink of separation to have a happy relationship again.

As for your question of “will it feel different?”, relationships constantly feel different. They all go through phases and change over time.

Having mismatched sex drives is more common when you think. Picture: iStock.

HELP! MY GIRLFRIEND AND I HAVE DIFFERENT SEX DRIVES

QUESTION: Can two people with very mismatched sex drives ever be happy together? It seems like my girlfriend and I are compatible in every way except this, and I’m wondering if all the other many good things are enough to put up with this one bad thing.

ANSWER: It’s very common for two people in a relationship to have mismatched desires – to various degrees. It is possible to be in a happy relationship together regardless of the differences.

No relationship is ever free of issues or conflict. You need to find ways to manage the differences between you, not necessarily to overcome them.

You need to be able to talk about it together and have understanding for each other’s different needs and desires.

Ensure that you stay connected in other ways. Look for ways that you can meet each other’s need for intimacy.

It will also be helpful to address the steps for overcoming mismatched desire that I wrote about in response to a previous question.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

I NEED TO DISTANCE MYSELF FROM MY DEMANDING FAMILY, BUT HOW?

QUESTION: How can I emotionally detach myself from my energy-draining family? They’ve always be dramatic people, who thrive on chaos and fighting. I am not like them at all, but any attempts to not engage just seem to see them drag me into the drama more. Help!

ANSWER:

Emotionally detaching when we’ve been enmeshed in relationships like this can be challenging. Congratulations on realising that they drain your energy and that you want something different for yourself.

Work on building your own support network and self-worth so that you’re stronger within yourself. You’re also going to need to set really firm boundaries.

You’ll need set boundaries verbally, like by saying things like:

I’m not willing to discuss X in this way.

I’m not willing to become involved in the issue between X and X.

You’ll possibly need to create further physical distance between you, like seeing them less often or screening their calls.