Relationship Rehab: Why man keeps getting rejected on first dates

A man says that no matter how hard he tries his dates “fall flat” every single time — but our expert says there’s a reason why.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a man whose who keeps getting friendzoned on first dates, a woman who wants to bring up moving in with her partner in a “non-crazy” way and a surprise blast from the past wedding invite.

HELP! WHY ARE ALL MY FIRST DATES FALLING FLAT?

QUESTION: I’d love some love advice. I feel that I have some incredible, fun, positive, engaging and genuine connections online with a range of smart, articulate women in my age group. I am 51 and only chat to ladies of the same age. The connection online feels real and the energy is genuine. My profile is accurate and my pics are recent (filter-free).

Sadly when I meet the potential dates — it all falls flat and I seem like I’m still interested but nothing from them. It’s a one-way street. What’s going wrong?

The dates are all low-key – coffee dates, a walk along the coast, a wine – (never a dinner date on date 1) and I don’t turn up with roses or carrying poems of love. I don’t talk about sex, politics or my ex and just chat about me and am keen to hear about them.

How do I find out WHY this is happening as I genuinely seeking a relationship?

ANSWER: I don’t doubt you’re genuinely seeking a relationship. I acknowledge how frustrating the dating game is – especially when you feel like it’s not going anywhere.

I don’t know for certain, as I only have a limited amount of information to go on from your question, but here’s what I think is happening: It sounds like the spark is missing.

There’s something about the way you say ‘I just chat about me and am keen to hear about them’ that sounds kind of flat. It makes me think your dates are probably friend-zoning you pretty fast.

It’s great to be real in your profile pictures and to have to a connection online, but that isn’t enough to make someone want to get to know you more, as you’re finding out.

You need attraction (not just physical) but spark and chemistry too.

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Forget roses or poems of love, I’m sure most women would be more scared than wooed if you showed up with those on a first date – but are you flirting with them?

Attraction needs possibility – and tension. Flirting isn’t just being interested in someone – the tension required for the spark comes with anticipation and potential challenge.

As a start, make sure you have the basics covered. Pay attention to them, really listen to what they’re saying and make eye contact – this helps build intimacy. Try gentle physical touch – or closer physical proximity.

Let them know you’re interested in more – not just by telling them, but through the way you interact with them. Build tension between you by showing you’re still willing to be discerning and want to take your time getting to know her.

While it might be a good move not to talk about sex or politics in the first meeting – you might be trying to keep it all a bit ‘safe’. Women also want a connection – and to be challenged. For that you need good conversation – and good questions.

Ask questions that get below the surface level stuff. These are the questions that can help to ignite intimacy and chemistry between you. Ask questions that really help you find out who they are.

There was a study by a team of psychologists that showed 36 questions strongly accelerated intimacy and led people to feel a strong connection with each other. Consider trying some of those on your next date.

Show these dates your value – and by this, I mean show them who you really are.

I WANT TO MOVE IN WITH MY BOYFRIEND, BUT HE HASN’T OFFERED

QUESTION: My lease is running out on my apartment and I’m planning to move out as the place is being sold. I’ve been with my boyfriend almost two years and he has his own place nearby, where I stay 75 per cent of the time anyway – but he hasn’t offered me to move in. How can I bring this up in a non-awkward, non-crazy way?

ANSWER: It isn’t crazy to raise the prospect of moving in with someone you’ve been seeing for almost two years. Being able to have discussions about where you see the relationship going is vital to the success of a long-term relationship.

Get clear on what you want. It sounds like you want to move in with him, based on what you’ve said.

Then ask to have a conversation with him – you don’t have to wait for him to take the initiative.

Start with: “Hey, I want to have a conversation about where we each see this relationship going”.

Let him know what you want and find out what he wants. Then look at how you can move forward together.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

I GOT A BRIDESMAID INVITE FROM A LONG-LOST FRIEND

QUESTION: A friend from high school has asked me to be her bridesmaid and to be honest, I’d have been surprised if I even got an invite to the wedding. We haven’t spoken in 15 years. Should I just do it for old time’s sake? Or is there a way to turn her down nicely?

ANSWER: When you ask “is there a way to turn her down nicely”, it sounds like being her bridesmaid isn’t what you want. That’s understandable – it’s a big commitment.

You can do your best to turn her down nicely, though we can never guarantee how another person will receive our best intentions.

Ask her the meaning behind her invitation. It may help you to see her request differently or provide an opening for you to turn her down.

If you do this, I’d go with an approach that says you’re really honoured, but you can’t give the role all the time and energy that she deserves to have at the moment.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram