Relationship Rehab: Man’s sex reason for wanting to leave wife

A man has revealed that he is planning on leaving his wife after 25 years of marriage, adding that he can’t get over the rejection.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a woman has become confused about her relationship and her sexuality.

Question: I have been married to the most wonderful person for the last 25 years. About 10 years ago she developed health issues and her dad passed away, and since then she has suffered from bad depression. This has resulted in a sexless marriage (we have it maybe four times a year) and a relationship where we have stopped communicating with one another.

I initiated marriage counselling and things improved for a month or two but inevitably we ended up back at square one. Earlier this year I told her that I would be moving out at the end of the year if things don’t improve.

Sadly I can’t get over the rejection of living with someone who isn’t interested in sex so have started planning to leave. How do I know when it’s time to move on and start a new chapter in my life?

Answer: It’s understandable to me that you don’t want to continue a relationship that has a lack of emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy.

Your sense of rejection and the lack of sex aside, communication and intimacy are vital to a successful relationship. Your relationship doesn’t have either of those right now.

Sex is also a valid need in a relationship and can be a way that we feel loved.

If both people in a relationship are happy without it, there’s no issue. But if it’s important to one person, it needs to be important to both partners and addressed together.

Most relationships don’t end because of huge arguments or emotional betrayals.

The majority of relationships end because of a creeping disconnection and small moments of hurt that create distance between partners over time.

There comes a point for many people when, understandably, they can’t endure the lack of connection any longer. No one wants to be in a relationship where they feel alone. That’s one of the worst kinds of pain.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie. Picture: Supplied

I’m sorry that marriage counselling didn’t work out for you. I know how difficult it can be to get the courage to go (and have your partner agree) in the first place.

I’m wondering how long you attended marriage counselling sessions for?

While many couples notice benefit within a short space of time, (even after just one session) to create substantial and lasting change usually takes a number of months of therapy. The length of time it takes to make meaningful change is dependent on the state of your relationship to begin with along with a number of other factors.

Given your wife has bad depression, I would be suggesting a number of months of therapy would be required to create lasting change within your relationship.

A man has revealed he and his wife of 25 years have sex just four times a year. Picture: iStock

Science-backed methods of therapy, including The Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (both of which I’ve trained in), have been shown to have continued benefit long after your time in couples therapy has finished. It should be our goal as therapists to give you the tools to continue that change well after you’ve stopped seeing us.

I can understand your reluctance, but many couples that I successfully work with in therapy have seen counsellors before who hadn’t made a difference. There may be benefit for you in seeing someone who specialises in and is well qualified in both couples therapy and sexology. Unfortunately, not every counsellor offering couples therapy is highly qualified or qualified to deal with both areas.

I’m also curious about whether your wife has sought help for her depression? This in itself could make a difference to your relationship.

He said the lack of intimacy has affected their relationship and he has made plans to leave. Picture: iStock

The questions I encourage people to ask when they’re thinking about ending their relationship are:

Is there still love and respect in the relationship?

If they’re absent, the relationship is difficult to salvage.

Does this relationship meet enough of my needs?

No relationship can meet all of our needs, but in a loving relationship, we care about and attend to the other person’s needs. The reality is that sometimes, a person or relationship just can’t meet our vital needs no matter how much we want them to.

Have I done what is reasonable to voice my needs and try to make change myself?

One person making an effort for the relationship can, at times, change the relationship dynamic enough for it to work. Based on what you’ve shared, it sounds like you have made reasonable efforts.

Is my partner trying? Have I seen any change?

If she is and you have, you might like to consider whether that change is enough and whether you can hang in a little longer to see more change.

If you’re not seeing effort, things are unlikely to improve i.e. if she’s not seeing a therapist to work on her side of things, reading up on what she can do or asking you to find another therapist so you can really work on this together.

Leaving a relationship is never an easy decision. While I always want the couples I work with to stay together, the reality is that a few have parted but gone on to find happiness in a new relationship – taking with them both the longings and the lessons learned from the relationships they tried to make work.

I hope your path ahead is happier, whichever way you decide to go. I do know that great relationships are possible.

*Note this advice doesn’t apply to abusive relationships. If you ever feel threatened or unsafe in a relationship, you should leave as soon as you can safely do so.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram. If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]