Relationship Rehab: Woman’s ‘confusion’ after sex fantasies

After being in a relationship with a man for eight years, a woman has become “confused” after having certain fantasies and experiences.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a woman has become confused about her relationship and her sexuality.

Question: I’ve been with my partner for eight years and feel totally committed to him. We started as friends and have a really good relationship. Recently I became friends with someone at work who has told me that she’s bisexual. It’s made me wonder if I might be bisexual too. I’ve had fantasies about women before and even had a couple of experiences with women when I was much younger, but I never thought I would actually be attracted to a woman. Now I’m feeling really confused. I have no idea what to do — or if I am even really bisexual.

Answer: We can get so caught up on labels, can’t we? When I was growing up, I was told there were just three sexual orientations; heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual. Even then, there was judgment around bisexuality. I heard many people share doubt that it was a valid preference. These kinds of views continue – and they can be really confusing. It’s understandable that you’re feeling distressed and uncertain about this.

‘Sexual orientation is like a sliding scale’

Most sex researchers now agree that sexual orientation is more like a sliding scale with multiple options for sexual preference.

Where someone is on that scale can change – hetero-flexible is a term that I personally love. We’ve also realised that sexual orientation isn’t the only factor in determining who you engage with sexually. Labels and defined categories that we were used to are becoming a thing of the past.

More and more I hear stories of people falling in love with people of a gender they didn’t think they were attracted to.

In therapy, I’ve also supported a number of women with similar questions to you. It’s not uncommon.

There are several questions you can ask yourself in understanding what your attraction to other the opposite sex is, if there is one, and what to do about it. Picture: iStock

Here are some questions that have been useful to my clients in understanding what their attraction to other women means and what to do about it.

Is there something in your relationship that needs to be addressed?

Sometimes attraction to other people — male or female — can point us to something that’s being missed in our relationship. In leaning into this question, some of my clients have realised they’re longing for more softness and nurturing that they perceive would come from a woman.

Are there challenges in your relationship?

This may be a diversion from what really needs to be addressed — seeing the grass as greener elsewhere. Of course, this may not be the issue, but it is worth examining.

Is this showing something you’re longing for within yourself?

Sometimes when we’re attracted to people outside our relationship, it speaks to what we’re missing within us. For some people that’s a sense of freedom, a longing for the days they had with fewer responsibilities or more softness within themselves.

How would you like to explore this?

There are different ways that this attraction can be explored. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to leave your current relationship.

Watch porn

Lesbian porn is actually the most searched porn category for women according to statistics from Pornhub (30 per cent of their viewers are women).

Engage in a threesome with your partner

Engaging with a woman with your partner may be a way to satisfy your attraction and maintain connection in your relationship. You may seek someone that feels acceptable to you both, such as a friend, someone found online or a sex worker.

Try ethical non-monogamy

You could make an arrangement with your partner that you can explore sexually with other women (but not other men) outside your relationship.

What does this mean for your current relationship?

Understanding and navigating what this means for your relationship will take consideration and communication with your partner. Consider talking this through with a therapist if you’re still struggling to make sense of it on your own.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram. If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]