Jo Thornely recaps First Dates 2017 episode 11

YOU what, mate? Steve’s revelations were an instant turn-off for his hot date. Tequila shots could not save the day.

IF YOU watch First Dates often enough, you realise that there are different styles of dates.

I have watched First Dates often enough, and this episode’s date styles are:

THE YOU DO YOU DATE

Following age-old advice and just being yourself on dates means that people closer to the thin edges of the personality bell curve might have to search a little harder for a partner who can love their idiosyncrasies.

Take Nicholas for example, a DJ in a jacket his mum bought him who describes himself as “significantly energetic”.

His milkshake brings all the girls to the yard, and they’re like “maybe”.

On the other hand, here’s Mathilde, a French girl who likes giggling, seduction, and eating bread.

She has a yeast affection.

Nicholas has brought everything to this date — enthusiasm, speaking in Japanese, stories about puppy dogs both dead and alive, and a quick trip to the bathroom to talk to his mate “Big Dog” and psych himself up.

Hey door, how’s my Brando impression?

On the other hand, once all the bread is gone and the giggling has subsided, all Mathilde brings is a coat possibly made from one of Nicholas’s puppies and the ability to break Nicholas’s heart.

‘ow you say, ze friendzone?

She claims Nicholas was “not seductive enough”, and although he’s disappointed he vows to stay who he is until he finds someone who loves him how he is.

Mathilde walks off in search of someone more like bread.

THE DATE CLICHES DATE

Ana and Rodrigo’s date is filled with so many cliches it might as well be a French guy riding a bike with a baguette in the basket.

Ana’s dressed in yellow. She says “hello”.

Come sit next to me, you fine fellow.

She sips her espresso martini and tells us she wants marriage, kids and a picket fence.

Brazilian Rodrigo tells us that people from his country have a “Latin lover” thing about them, but doesn’t mention that he’s basically just Nicholas from the previous date with a beard.

One of these is supposed to be the evil version of the other.

Still, no time to waste on Young MC and the Olsen sisters. We’ve got cliches to plough through.

Ana and Rodrigo order some oysters, and Rodrigo mentions that they’re an aphrodisiac, a fact that only two species of lichen on the underside of a rock have never heard before.

Ana tells Rodrigo that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

She eats chocolate seductively.

They dance a samba and he dips her.

Although salsa’s much more of a dip, isn’t it?

By this point even the editors have noticed the tsunami of cliches and clearly thought “screw it, what’s one more?” as they cut to a scene from the kitchen:

It was an itsy bitsy teeny weeny wet erotic sink zucchini.

Look, of COURSE Ana and Rodrigo agree to another date. They haven’t walked hand-in-hand along the beach or fed each other grapes yet, so they need extra cliche time.

The Old Fashioned Bloke Date

Brendan — no doubt “Brenno” to his mates — says that the worst thing about being single is “havin’ to do your own dishes and washin’ and stuff like that. Have to make your own sandwich”. Presumably Brendan’s mother is sick of washing his nappies.

Perhaps sir would prefer a sippy cup.

The woman unwittingly auditioning for a life of servitude and easy-to-pronounce words is Ellie, a stunning Kiwi instantly recognisable by everyone, including Brendan, as being too good for Brendan.

Hi, I’m here to be objectified and disappointed.

Ellie’s relaxed and switched on, a fan competitive board games and the most accessible and well-known artist of the 20th century, Andy Warhol.

Brendan is an idiot, has never heard of Andy Warhol, and suggests a game of naked Twister. He’s basically the MRA movement’s idea of “a catch”.

Basically the only good thing Brendan suggests is a game of food Jenga.

The steaks are high, with the chips stacked against them.

Just as he confides with some complex maths that “Other girls can be a seven to ten, and she was a hundred outta ten”, something utterly shocking occurs during Awkward Question Time.

Ellie agrees to another date.

They walk down the street holding hands, towards a huge pile of dirty laundry and a Twister mat that could do with a wipe.

THE CHALK AND CHEESE DATE

You know what’s more interesting than watching two people with absolutely nothing in common having a conversation?

Test patterns, sand, and a guy at a party who can recite pi to a hundred decimal places. All of them. All more interesting.

Extremely pretty Kennedy has a long list of requirements for men suitors — they must be trustworthy, loyal, romantic, thoughtful, tall, rugged, muscly, and sweet.

The show’s producers hear the list as “blah blah blah blah muscly blah blah”.

Protein shake and bigger shirt to table 5, please.

Don’t get me wrong — Steve seems outrageously sweet and thoughtful and tall and the rest. But Kennedy’s list should have been more specific. Someone who sometimes leaves the house, for example, or who drinks more than three times a year.

Every time Steve reveals a new fact that proves he’s the wrong match for Kennedy, she makes a new face.

“Last year I only went out like, two or three times” says Steve.

WHAT.

“I’ve never seen snow”, says Steve.

Seriously WHAT.

“I haven’t drank in three or four months”, says Steve.

DONE. I AM DONE.

Even forcing a man the size of a Sydney apartment to drink tequila doesn’t make him agree to a second date, which is probably a good thing. Steve’s not scheduled to leave the house again until at least Spring.

THE BETTER THAN DYING ALONE DATE

Some people physically embody the exact point between childhood and adulthood. Affable, sincere country giant Harry is one of those people.

G’day, I rushed here straight from puberty.

Being from a small town living and working on the family farm, Harry’s basically looking for any girl who isn’t a tree. “I’m here lookin’ for someone ta cuddle” he says, blushing when he realises we all love him instantly.

Keira, the prettiest not-tree Harry has ever seen, just wants a guy who won’t cheat on her who lives in the country.

Oh haayy-seed.

Okay, both of these people are utterly delightful, but there’s something inescapably lukewarm about this date. Conversation revolves solely around two things — Keira’s beauty and the fact that Harry’s never eaten a banana.

Admittedly I’ve started relationships with less, but Harry and Keira’s attraction to each other is based on each being a better option than those available locally.

It’s less “I do” than “you’ll do”.

They both agree to a second date, but I don’t know if anyone’s really feeling it. Oh well, I’m sure once they hold hands to walk down the street sparks will fly and we’ll finally get it.

Once they … y’know. Once they hold hands.

Um guys?

Oh COME ON.

Jo Thornely is a writer who loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely

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