Jo Thornely recaps First Dates episode 10

THE most nervous man in the world was paired with the quintessential Gold Coast blonde on First Dates, and boy was it amazing.

ONE of the fun things about watching First Dates is trying to guess which couples will hit it off, which people have appearances that belie their true personalities, and how much creepy awkwardness we can stand without throwing things at the television.

My guess for all of those in this episode is: Not a lot.

DESIREE AND PAUL

Desiree is a fashion store manager on the outside and a fashion store manager all the way through. She does say that sometimes she’d rather just be in her pyjamas though, or maybe she’d rather have a piece of toast and watch the evening news.

Life. Oh life, doo doo doo doo.

Desiree’s date Paul is a criminal lawyer with dashing grey hair who, it’s fair to say, has more books at home than she does.

“Do you dye your hair?” asks Desiree.

“…No” replies Paul.

The first clue is his hair.

When the blatantly French waiter comes to take their wine order with his strong French accent, Desiree thinks (non-visibly) for a moment and says “I wonder where he’s from”.

“…I think France” replies Paul.

When the waiter returns and Paul speaks to him in fluent French, Desiree is AMAZED. “Is that just like a coincidence, our French waiter and you speaking French?!” asks Desiree.

No babe, they’ve been planning it for weeks.

“…Yes, it is” replies Paul.

The date trundles along, with Desiree making fashion suggestions for maximum security prisoners, and I realise we can all learn something from her.

We can learn that if you get the astrological sign for Cancer tattooed on your shoulder, it sends the wrong message about what you’re looking for on a first date.

To be fair, it might just be 96 in a mirror.

At crunch time, Paul eagerly agrees to a second date, stating that “I think there’s much more to you than was ah … found tonight” which is extremely generous.

On the plus side, Desiree doesn’t say no. Instead, she says “I guess moving forward we’ve both decided that a second date romantically would probably be not in the cards”.

It’s French for “no”.

J.P AND ANTHONY

Next up is J.P. and Anthony, who have more in common than just high hair and being in a restaurant. They love to laugh!

OMG so much.

So when Anthony nearly impales himself on a swizzle stick? Mirth!

My sides.

And when J.P. reveals that he plays rugby for a gay team, there’s talk of scrums! Japes!

Ha! Bottoms!

Not to mention when Anthony tells a story about how his mother’s husbands keep dying. Calling her a black widow is HILARIOUS.

Dying and death, baaaaaaaa!

Both blokes reckon the date has gone super-well, as there were no lulls in the conversation. Just LOLs, right? Right? Amazing.

Joke’s on us though. Both J.P. and Anthony are relieved when the other doesn’t want a second date. What madcap hijinx!

We might die alone! Ha ha!

SAKARA AND DANIEL

Sakara is sick of being put in the “one night stand vocabulary” because she’s “blonde” with “big boobs” and a “tan” and lives on the “Gold Coast”.

The ad said ‘realistic’ hair extensions.

She’s sick of the footy guy stereotype, so she’s here to meet Daniel, the most nervous man in the world. Daniel tells us that he gets shy around females, but that he’s looking for a “real hot babe I guess”.

OMG there’s one headed this way.

At first it seems like Sakara talks twice as much as Daniel, but once you eliminate all the unnecessary words, it turns out about even.

For example, “I like to think like when I walk into a room I’m like, oh, y’know, like making it glow, d’you know what I mean, like that’s what I try to do?” becomes simply “I like attention”.

And “One thing I learnt is that balance is the key to a beautiful life. Like you know, imagine the table right, so this leg is love, this leg is career, that leg is social you know what I mean, it’s like balance?” becomes “Life is about balance and three-legged tables”.

Sakara seems intent on filling every silence, and Daniel seems intent on providing her with as many silences as possible.

Of course they agree to a second date. Daniel has the hot babe he wanted, and Sakara has found her missing table leg.

‘Perfect’.

MICK AND CHELSEA

Mick is back! You remember Mick from last week — funny, moustachioed, engaging, his date almost vomited on the table.

Just look at that tall glass of Ipecac.

Mick’s date tonight is Chelsea, who’s from a country town where dating doesn’t ever happen.

“Generally you just go to the pub, snog someone, and decide if you like them or not” she says, making herself instantly likeable. All she has to do is agree to a second date and not vomit and she’s in.

Oh come ON.

Mick is outrageously charming and supportive about his date having a case of the nervous turbo-chucks, and by the time he tells a story about storing Weet Bix in his old beard, she’s so relaxed she doesn’t even wet-burp.

When asked if they’d like a second date, they each answer immediately with a simple “yes”, and seal the deal with a kiss while they walk up the street.

See, this is how dating is supposed to be. Easy. Fun. Straightforward. Mildly nauseating, with the freedom to tell someone you hate their facial hair.

For the record Mick, I would’ve let you keep it.

BOBBY SMACK & ALISON

There’s something you need to know about IT project manager Robert. He is Bobby Smack, and roller derby is his passion.

He’s pretty into walls as well.

After a painful divorce, Bobby found roller derby and fell in love with its culture and style, so now all Bobby needs is a fantasy stereotype to make his life complete.

Hi, I’m here to be put on a pedestal?

Alison lives and breathes rockabilly. “This is my kitsch 50s iconography arm” she explains, indicating the tattoos on her left arm. Realistically she could have said “this arm is covered in festering sores shaped like Hitler” and Bobby would still be smitten.

He hides it well, though.

Cool as a cucumber.

By contrast, Alison is just being polite. She hints subtly that her type is an edgy guy, one who also embraces the rockabilly lifestyle and perhaps, just maybe perhaps, isn’t Bobby.

But Bobby is oblivious. He soldiers on, flirting with his own variety of subtlety. “You can lick your hand if you want to” Bobby tells Alison when she spills some of her drink on it. “Or I can lick it for you?”

Yeah got it, thanks.

Poor Bobby is trying so, so hard to make Alison like him that he doesn’t realise that his dream girl, and the Australian viewing public, are silently willing him to stop.

By Awkward Question Time, the shock of the rejection only he didn’t see coming hits him hard.

Bobby Smack thinks this is wack.

Poor Bobby Smack. The only thing left to do when he’s told to get his skates on is literally get his skates on and glide mournfully off into the night.

Only one person’s wearing kneepads tonight.

Jo Thornely is a writer who loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely