Jo Thornely recaps First Dates 2017 episode 9

A QUESTIONABLE tattoo and a near-vomit experience headline one of a handful of awkward First Dates that ends just as you’d expect it to.

FIRST dates are great. They’re an opportunity to present the most appealing version of yourself to a stranger, and tell all your most interesting stories.

But what if you have no interesting stories?

Your options are the following:

Writing A Very Long Book About Yourself.

So here’s Alison, an adorable legal secretary with a killer smile and warm demeanour.

And here’s Samuel, a personal trainer at the crest of the narcissistic bell curve.

“You know what else is great? Me”

Let’s see if they have any interesting stories!

“I make candles,” says Alison.

Oh.

“I’ve got a bit of an artistic side to me as well,” adds Samuel. “I do writing,” he adds. You know, like how Picasso done painting.

Unlike anybody watching, Alison is fascinated. It turns out that Samuel has written an epic novel so large that he had to break it down into two books, both about his favourite subject.

“I am the main character, it is about me.”

Is it getting hot in here or what

From here on in, Alison doesn’t get to tell any more stories. It’s Samuel’s turn for the next two hours.

There’s a page-turner about his name being mispronounced at a bodybuilding trophy ceremony, for example.

“I’ll tell you this other interesting thing about me,” continues Samuel.

“OTHER?” asks the viewing audience.

“Are you a stripper?” asks Alison.

How DARE Alison. He’s NOT a stripper, he’s a TOPLESS WAITER.

“My job at that party is to make every single person in that room have a good night. It’s a lot of pressure.”

Look, mate.

No it isn’t. I’ve been to hen’s nights and I promise you, the standards are low.

Speaking of low standards, Alison agrees to a second date. It’d probably be less painful to just read the book.

Chucking In Your Mouth A Bit

By the time excellent Mick enters the restaurant, I’m so starved for an interesting story I’m curious about how Cam the barman’s going to get the pineapple out of his vase without a stepladder:

Might I suggest the lyrics to Agadoo

Happily Mick and his equally British and tattooed date Catrin prove themselves interesting almost immediately when Mick cuts into a crumbed egg and the sight of the runny yolk makes Catrin gag.

You had me at HERRRRRGG

But beyond the imminent threat of upchuck, do they have any interesting stories? For example, what does the ‘RG’ tattoo on Mick’s hand stand for?

Is it for ‘retching’ and ‘gagging’?

“It stands for Rad Guy,” Mick says, with an extra anecdote about hula-hooping.

Mick is charming, pleasantly moustached, and funny. Catrin is beautiful, expressive, and unburdened by the complication of too much thinking.

“She’s pretty much everything you could want,” enthuses Mick.

And you, Catrin? Is Mick pretty much everything you could want?

Ooooh, awkward.

Disappointingly for Mick, Catrin sees him as more of a brotherly figure. On the plus side though, he doesn’t make her vomit.

Giving The Office Something To Talk About

One of the refreshing things about First Dates is that there’s no cheap twists designed specifically for manufactured drama.

So it’s a complete and utter surprise when Kath, an advertising sales executive from a big company ends up on a date with Clem, an advertising sales executive from the same big company. They even use the same photocopier!

(looks at script) No waaaaaay

So what do workmates on a coincidentally wacky blind date talk about?

Kath has a great yarn about calling Clem’s dream car ‘Beyonce’ because of its colour and boot size.

Ha! Borderline racism!

Clem has a brilliant joke about Kath being “the dessert menu”.

Ha! Borderline objectification!

And who can beat the hilarity at bill-paying time when Clem says he’ll pay with a stolen credit card and Kath says they should expense it?

Okay that’s actually funny, well done.

Finally, there’s just no end to the narrative complexity when Kath only wants a second date if it’s karaoke.

She’s not sure. He’s not sure. We’re not sure.

All we know is these two are gonna get flaaaamed at work tomorrow.

Cracking Your Neck And Giving Advice

Jasmine tells us she’s a loud chatterbox, and boy, does she like cracking her neck.

Sounds like an L-plater changing gears.

If she has too many bourbons, Jasmine reckons she turns into ‘Shazza’, who sounds ‘way too Aussie’, and she’s ready to find a nice guy because “there’s a lot of shit ones out there”.

Happily for Jasmine, her date Josh does not seem to be one of the shit ones — he’s cute, relatively quiet, and willing to be talked over. As a bonus, he admits that as a fly-in fly-out mine worker only 5% of his workmates look like women, so I reckon even Shazza’s in with a chance.

Hi, I’m here to meet any woman not wearing a reflective vest

Jasmine loudly claims that bourbon goes straight through her, but it’s clear that some of it has hung around in her system as she knocks over her glass and announces that one of her go-to karaoke jams is by “Alana Mossette”.

Isn’t it unronic?

Josh politely declines a second date, which still doesn’t shut Jasmine up.

“You need to learn to open up more. Don’t be so closed,” she advises, hiding her rejection well with some unsolicited life advice.

“I’ll … take that on board,” responds Josh, and it’s the most awkward moment tonight until:

Representing Your Country At The Awkward Olympics

Murphy and William are two intelligent, sweet, handsome chaps who can’t help that they look like an artist’s impression of the word ‘awkward’.

I call this painting When Can We Leave Please

They’re both endearingly nervous, but I reckon if there are no awkward conversations and no-one hits themselves in the face with a glass they’ll be fine, right?

Perhaps William, for example, could talk about how he could never move back to his parents’ house ever and ugh, how lame is living with your parents.

Murphy tells William he lives with his parents.

I’m sure you’ll laugh about this at home with your parents.

Maybe it’ll relax things if Murphy orders the exact same three courses as William and mentions that because they’re at dinner on camera they can’t escape ha ha ha ha ha or if William shows how he can wiggle one ear ha ha ha ha ha THIS IS SO RELAXING.

Look, there’s only one thing to do, fellas. It’s time to hit yourself in the face with a glass.

What an icebreaker.

I’ve seen footage of a boa constrictor eating a porcupine that’s more comfortable than this but I still want these guys to make it, so it’s a relief when they agree to a second date.

Mostly because it means this one is over.

Phew.

Jo Thornely is a writer who loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely