Jana Hocking on the most mortifying things to do after a break-up

Podcaster Jana Hocking has done a bunch of embarrassing things in her life, but this particular incident after a bad break-up tops them all.

When I think of the most mortifyingly embarrassing things I’ve done in my life, they can all mostly be traced back to a break up.

There was a time, in my mid 20s when I had a rip-roaring fight with my then-boyfriend. We hadn’t spoken in a few days and I was devastated.

So in the heat of the moment I hopped in my car, drove to his house and knocked on his door crying and pleading for him to come out and talk to me.

Imagine my horror as his friend came out and screamed at me to go home. Gaaaaah I still cringe as I think about hopping back in the car and driving home knowing that it was going to be the hot topic between our friends group the next day.

Plot twist, we got back together a week later, because girlfriend loves a toxic relationship.

Then there was the time I was so nervous about seeing another ex at a party post-break-up that I decided to down a bottle of rose with my bestie before we went and then cornered him at the party and made an absolute scene. I mean … everyone knows a party is the best time to take a real deep dive into where your relationship went wrong … right?!

A party is definitely not the forum for a deep dive into where a relationship went wrong. Picture: Instagram/@janahocking

So it’s safe to say that yes, I’ve been “that girl”. So what is it about break-ups that bring out the absolute worst in us? Is it the emotional trigger of rejection that makes some twisted part of our brain go, “Right let’s see just how far we can self-sabotage this situation!”

I’m happy to say that reading a brilliant memoir this week gave me some comfort. It was written by my friend Cathrine Mahoney, who you may know as Andrew Johns’ ex wife, but trust me she is SO much more than that.

A brilliant podcaster and writer, she has written the most absorbing memoir Currently between husbands that explores all the ups and downs of marriage and single life. A classic over-sharer like myself, it’s safe to say I couldn’t get enough!

It was the first chapter titled “Does my rock bottom look big in this” that gave me the most comfort. I won’t give too much away, but let’s just say that when she received the first email from Andrew’s divorce lawyer, she made the mistake of turning to Valium and vodka for comfort. Oooph, the results were not pretty, and it made me sit back and realise, “Oh hurrah I’m not the only person who has been ‘that girl’ in the midst of a break up!”

Side note: It also reminded me to never mix meds with alcohol. The results are not pretty my friend, not pretty at all.

So I’ve decided there’s one thing we all need during a break up. An emotional support person. Someone to check your cranky texts before you send them, someone to monitor how many drinks you consume the night of the break-up (and to be fair … probs the following week), someone you can call when you feel the urge to contact them again.

We need a buffer between ourselves and an ex.

An emotional support person is who you need during a break up. Picture: Instagram/@janahocking

Mine comes in the form of a tiny pocket-rocket of a brunette, who has seen me at my absolute worst and still loves me. It’s safe to say she’s not been shocked by any of my antics and will calmly yet firmly tell me to Put. The. Phone. Down!

I cannot tell you what a gamechanger she has been for me and the way I deal with emotional triggers and breakups. I mean sure, a therapist is just as good, but at $200-a-pop for one session a week, let’s face it, that just ain’t enough support!

So trust me, find yourself someone who can talk you out of that self-sabotage moment, and answer your crying calls at midnight, because they sure are worth their weight in gold!

Oh, and for Pete’s sake be nice to yourself, when you inevitably do hit rock bottom. We’re all human after all!

Jana Hocking is a podcaster and collector of kind-of-boyfriends. | @jana_hocking