‘Is it OK to have a bank account that’s secret from my partner?’

It’s a form of deception that many women do in secret but it may not be as bad as it seems, says therapist Isiah McKimmie.

Is having a secret bank account a breach of trust? Picture: iStock

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps a woman who want to know if she should have a secret bank account.

QUESTION: I was talking with some girlfriends recently and two of them were saying they keep a secret bank account in case they need to leave their partner – they call it their Rainy Day Divorce Fund. Apparently, lots of women have them! One friend has $5000 in her account but another has a whopping $30,000 – and her husband has absolutely no idea. Is this a good idea? I feel like it’s quite conniving and also a sure-fire way to doom a relationship but they’re convinced it makes good sense. Is having a secret bank account a breach of trust?

Is having a secret bank account a breach of trust? Picture: iStock

ANSWER: I certainly understand your concerns. Whether this is a good idea or not, depends on what might be going on in the relationship and what you value.

Couples choose to manage finances in many different ways together – and can still be happy. However, as you pointed out, it’s the deception here that is concerning.

There’s no right way for couples to manage finances together

There are many ways couples choose to manage finances together and still maintain a happy, strong relationship.

Increasingly couples are choosing to keep separate bank accounts, especially among younger generations. There are good reasons that couples might choose to have separate accounts. Many couples don’t talk about the contents of their accounts with each other. That’s a completely valid choice to make.

An ‘escape fund’ can be a good idea in some cases

There are good reasons someone might choose to have an ‘escape fund’ – and your friends are certainly not alone in having theirs.

Women are often more vulnerable following separation for a number of reasons.

On average, they earn less. They’ve often taken a pay cut and put their career on hold to manage children. Additionally, following separation they might struggle to find additional employment.

Not all couples have all accounts and money in both partner’s names, which can unfortunately leave one person without in the case of a messy separation.

If someone is in an abusive relationship or a relationship where they are particularly vulnerable, then having an escape fund can play a vital role in them being able to leave.

Having a secret stash could be a good idea. Picture: iStock

Communication is vital to a strong relationship

From the perspective of creating and maintaining a strong, healthy relationship, I agree with you. What concerns me regarding your friends is the deception involved. It certainly appears to be a breach of trust.

It isn’t what actions couples make, it’s how they make decisions together that determines the success of a relationship.

It’s important to the long term happiness of a relationship that couples can talk about issues like finances together and both feel like the decisions being made are fair.

There’s certainly a risk that were their husbands ever to find out about these secret accounts that they would feel hurt and betrayed.

An escape fund isn’t necessarily a sign of a fragile relationship – but it can be

Your friends may have relatively strong relationships. However, there might also be issues going on underneath.

You friends’ childhood may have left them challenged by depending on a partner and needing a sense of independence.

The need for an escape fund might also be a sign that their relationship might not have the emotional safety and stability that is ideal.

It may be helpful for them to take time to work on their relationship – or to look at the personal issues they bring that make them feel a secret fund is necessary.

It could also be a sign your relationship is fragile. Picture: iStock

Some people view an escape fund as empowering

Some people with escape funds view them as empowering. Some people even argue that having enough money to leave, but choosing not to is a sign of a strong relationship.

People choose to stay in all kinds of relationships – including relationships that others might not see as healthy.

This decision is very much about what you value in a relationship. Ideally, no one would need this kind of emergency fund, but the reality is that some people do end up needing one.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy. If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]