‘When should I talk to my kids about sex – is 11 too old?’

It’s the sex conversation that is most dreaded but sexologist Isiah McKimmie promises it doesn’t need to be “awkward”.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie advises on the best time to talk to your kids about sex.

Question: My twin daughter and son are both about to turn 10 and I’m dreading having The Talk with them. My sex education was from magazines and whispers from my mates but I know these days parents are expected to get involved and do more – I just find talking about sex so awkward. I have no idea what they already know and if I should take the same approach with both my boy and my girl. My son is very shy and I can imagine he’ll find the entire interaction quite mortifying. Should my husband talk to him and I talk to my daughter? I really need some help!

Answer: This is a great question. I appreciate your thoughtful consideration of such an important and delicate topic. Learning about sexuality in healthy ways is vital and as parents you have important roles to play. But you’re not alone in wondering how or when to talk about sex with your kids.

You’re not alone in wondering how or when to talk about sex with your kids. Picture: iStock

Many adults I speak to in therapy have never had an open conversation about sex with anyone before – not even their partner.

When we don’t learn to talk about something when we’re young, we learn that it’s taboo and shameful, we struggle to find the language for it and miss out on important conversations throughout our lives.

It’s never too early to talk to your kids about sex

Research shows that by the time most parents consider having ‘The Talk’ with their kids, their kids have already gained information elsewhere.

Not to scare you, but I think it’s important for any other parents reading to know that the average age that children first view pornography online is now 11. It often isn’t intentional. Sometimes it’s by accident and sometimes it’s through curiosity.

Experts recommend age-appropriate sex education for children at every age.

Age-appropriate sex education begins with teaching children correct names for genitalia when they’re learning other words. Then progressing to discuss consent, bodily changes, reproduction, relationships and pleasure depending on their age, interest and maturity.

Educating your kids on sex can’t be covered in one conversation. Picture: iStock

The Talk isn’t just one talk, but multiple talks

It’s important to view The Talk as not just one talk. Educating your kids on sex – and all the important issues related to it, can’t be covered in one conversation. Talking about sex will ideally be a series of age-appropriate conversations throughout their lives.

Evidence supports the benefits of comprehensive sex education

Parents can often worry that talking to their kids about sex will be seen as permissive and encourage them to explore. It doesn’t.

The evidence is clear that comprehensive sex education:

• delays initiation of first sexual experiences

• increases contraception and condom use

• reduces sexually transmitted infections and unplanned pregnancies

• increases development of healthy relationships

• can help prevent child sexual abuse

• enhances social/emotional learning

Your kids being able to speak to both you and your husband about sex can be incredibly valuable for them. Picture: iStock

It’s helpful for you both to talk to your kids about sex

Your kids being able to speak to both you and your husband about sex can be incredibly valuable for them.

Of course, depending on your relationship with each of them, you’ll probably both want to share different things.

Your delivery, not your words will make the biggest impact

It’s challenging, but your own nervousness and embarrassment will be noticed by your kids pretty quickly.

Talking calmly and confidently about it will send a message to your kids that it’s okay to talk about this and can help them feel more comfortable coming to you if they have questions later on.

You can have helpful conversations with them and provide them with useful resources. Picture: iStock

You don’t need to have all the answers

It’s okay to not know the answers to everything your kids ask you about sex. You don’t need to have all the answers and you don’t need to be their only resource.

You can have helpful conversations with them and provide them with useful resources.

While it has unfortunately been removed from the shelves of a major retailer, Welcome to Sex by Dr Melissa Kang and Yumi Stynes is a great new resource for teens. You can still buy it (and loads of other helpful resources) online to support your kids to be informed and comfortable with this topic.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.