Most ridiculous picks in Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop gift guide

Stressed about finding that perfect gift for your special someone? Never fear – Gwyneth Paltrow and her ludicrous Christmas gift guide are here to help.

The most wonderful time of year is upon us – and if you’ve been too busy worrying about global pandemics and presidential elections for the last 335 days to even think about Christmas, fear not.

The greatest gift of all is that we made it this far in 2020 with (most of) our sanity still in tact.

But if you’re after something more tangible to slip into your loved one’s stocking come December 25, Gwyneth Paltrow is here, once again, to help you find that perfect gift.

Whether it’s a wellness-related or “ridiculous but awesome” treasure you seek, the 48-year-old mastermind behind vagina-scented candles and “conscious-uncoupling” has a guide with no fewer than 10 different categories.

As always, the Goop team’s recommendations range from relatively reasonable to completely outrageous, with quite a number of NSFW ideas thrown in for good measure.

Without further ado, let’s take a look at some of Paltrow’s most outlandish suggestions.

Gwyneth Paltrow and her Christmas gift guide are here once more to help you nail that office Secret Santa. Picture: Valerie Macon/AFP

BATARD BREAD LAMP, AU$285

Taunt your neighbour’s failed attempts at producing the perfect sourdough during lockdown with this loaf-shaped lamp – which is not just handcrafted in Japan, but made of ACTUAL bread (thoroughly coated in resin to keep the cockroaches away).

This is not, in fact, a sad loaf of your neighbour’s lockdown sourdough. Picture: Goop

Surprise! Vodka is bad for the environment. Picture: Goop

CARBON NEGATIVE VODKA, AU$91

If 2020 didn’t make you feel bad enough, here’s a fun tidbit (one Sir David Attenborough neglected to mention in his most recent documentary): apparently vodka is bad for the environment. Luckily, you can drown those feelings of guilt with a nice tipple of this, “the world’s cleanest, highest quality and most sustainable spirit”.

PYRAMID COMMODE, AU$47,573

According to Goop, “this pyramid-shaped piece creates a spatial vortex in whatever room it’s placed in, energetically vibrating the vibrations there (whoa).” Apparently Kanye West is a client of the maker of this cabinet, Elizabeth Paige Smith, which really tells you everything you need to know.

Somewhere to stow all of those rogue Black Friday purchases. Picture: Goop

A nice, quiet spot to take those Zoom calls. Picture: Goop

LIVIT STUDYPOD, FROM AU$19,000

If all those months working from home taught us anything, it’s that you can’t put a price on silence. Sometimes you just need to escape the bickering of your roommate and her hopeless boyfriend and retreat to a portable room like this one, no doubt four times the size of your Sydney apartment.

WATERMELON CARRY BAG, POA

Praise be! The time for worrying about getting your watermelon to the picnic, safe and sound, or dropping through the bottom of your paper Harris Farm bag is OVER. Dirty Dancing would never.

Your biggest summer fruit qualm solved! Picture: Goop

One for your most cynical co-worker. Picture: Goop

MOON CALENDAR, $49

Inspired by a French village “where everyone lives life according to the rhythms of the moon”, this calendar seems like the perfect gift for your most cynical co-worker, helping them to finally “harness the cosmic energy” on any given day.

THIS SMELLS LIKE MY PRENUP CANDLE, AU$102

Haven’t you heard? Ye old candle scents like vanilla, fig or sandalwood are out. Get the odours of a premarital agreement – “a gorgeous blend of invigorating grapefruit and sexy, citrusy bergamot with supple notes of ripened raspberry subtly interlaced throughout” – wafting through your home this festive season.

Embrace your signature scent! Picture: Goop

Look at how happy a $53k sleep could make you! Picture: Goop

AVOCADO GREEN MATTRESS, FROM AU$53,200

You best believe if someone bought me a mattress that cost the same as a car, I would never leave the bed. Even Gwyneth has acknowledged how ridiculous the price tag on this one is, but “if it’s an out-of-this-world experience on a climate-neutral bespoke mattress you’re after, this is it”.

POST-STRUCTURALISM VULVA COLOURING BOOK, AU$20

No, your eyes do not deceive you … that is, indeed, George Washington’s face as a … vulva.

A passive aggressive little lesson in anatomy for any new boyfriends you acquired during quarantine, me thinks.

A good lesson in anatomy for any new boyfriends. Picture: Goop

Perhaps don’t open this one in front of Nan. Picture: Goop

DILDO CLONING KIT, AU$68

If you let your penchant for arts and crafts fall by the wayside when things started opening up again, Goop has got you sorted with the “Clone-A-Willy”, an “at-home kit (that) lets the two of you make an exact, vibrating silicone replica of your partner’s package”.

From Gwyneth’s lips to your … ears. Perhaps don’t open this one in front of the grandparents.