A step-by-step guide to buying a house when you’re young

REAL estate agents are notoriously hard to deal with - but with this easy tip, you can change their bad attitude towards you in an instant.

“LEARN to compromise.”

“The important part is just getting into the market”.

“You need to realise that buying a home means sacrifice in other areas.”

So goes the refrain of Baby Boomers everywhere, baffled by their 20- and 30-something children’s apparent ineptitude at house buying.

But unfortunately, the days of bagging boomers for “just not getting it” may be over.

As it turns out, we need them.

I’ve discovered that Boomers may actually be key to making a house purchase when you’re a millennial. Why? Because having your parents with you at a property inspection is essential to getting real estate agents’ attention.

My partner and I have been house hunting for most of this year. It’s a thoroughly depressing business.

This weekend just gone, my mother-in-law was visiting from overseas, so she came along with us. Miraculously, this changed the rules of the real estate game entirely. Suddenly, my husband and I were visible.

Real estate agents have become so accustomed to seeing millennial first time house buyers at inspections once and then never again, that they don’t bother with us any more.

However the presence of a Boomer parent — even if they only stand near you for a few seconds — gets a real estate agent’s attention like nothing else. They assume the bank of mum and dad is financing the purchase and boom-cha-ching! The millennial couple becomes a far more interesting proposition.

The reality is, places like this one at 41 Chapman St, North Melbourne will now set you back over $2 million.

Sure, there are drawbacks. The experience was rather reminiscent of shopping for a bra when you’re a pre-teen girl and the shop assistant only talks to your mum. And of course, the mere presence of your mum or dad at an inspection doesn’t actually make the highly unaffordable place any more affordable. The house is still worth more than ten times your annual salary.

The attention, however, does make for a rather refreshing change.

The truth is that most young people living in major cities gave up on the whole “home ownership” caper yonks ago. Even for the privileged few who earn higher-than-average salaries and have some money put away, house hunting while millennial is a boulevard of broken nightmares.

This makes it all the more important to share the limited knowledge and experience we do have with one another.

So in that spirit, I offer up this brief guide. If you’re house hunting while you’re young then it may help prepare you for what lies ahead. Because, friends, it isn’t pretty.

STEP ONE: DREAMING

You know that slightly-sick fantasy you keep having about deceased estates? The one where the owners are desperate to sell fast — whatever the price — and your family walks in at the magically opportune time? Stop indulging it.

Surely this little place in Croydon on the outskirts of Melbourne would be affordable? Only if you’ve got $1 million to spend.

The same goes for the one where not-great photos on realestate.com.au scare off higher bidders but you discover upon inspection that the house is actually a palace.

Ditto delusions where you win the lottery that you’ve never bought a ticket for. And the imagined overnight crash in the housing market. Oh, and abandon any hope the federal government actually does something to help.

Seriously. You’re only hurting yourself.

STEP TWO: REALISING

Get up early on Saturday morning and make a list of the properties you’d like to inspect. Hopefully they’re in order from most affordable to least because the chances of your dignity still being intact post 11.00am are slim.

Here are the sorts of things you’ll discover at your first inspection: Firstly, a European laundry cannot, by definition, be “light and airy”. A European laundry is a cupboard.

Second, “neat” in real estate agent language does not mean the same thing as “neat” in English. “Neat” means marginally better than derelict.

Thirdly, investors’ dreams are not the same as dreams held by chumps like you who actually want to live in the house you’re buying. An investor dreams of mowing this place down with a bulldozer.

Fourth: Are you kidding? You can’t afford this place anyway. Next.

STEP THREE: SINKING

Lower you expectations before embarking on the second inspection. Then lower them again. That’s better. Consider fuelling yourself for more disappointment with coffee, before realising that your parents think that $4.50 almond milk lattes are to blame for your lack of house ownership. Regretfully, continue walking past the cafe.

At property number two, you’ll learn that the only thing worse than real estate agents using absurd, hyperbolic language is when the house is so awful that they cannot even bring themselves to pretend.

Discover that a “comfortable commute” means an hour and 20 minute express train to the city that only runs a handful of times each day. Console yourself with the fact you’ll always get a seat at the end of the line.

Breezily ask the agent what price range they’re expecting. The answer makes you die a little on the inside. Next.

STEP FOUR: BREAKING

In the car, you and your partner begin to discuss, in earnest, whether or not you really need two bedrooms.

Your toddler babbles happily from the back seat. The family can all sleep in one room, you reason. After all, that’s what they did in cave person days. It’ll be fun! Just like in the Brady Bunch!

Shortly thereafter you find yourself inspecting a single bedroom apartment. As you wrestle your toddler out the door, he sobs “But I want to play in the CUBBY”. It is an apt description for the tiny space you cannot afford.

STEP FIVE: ACCEPTANCE

Back at home after another fruitless Saturday, your partner takes a momentary break from self-pity to recall a funny tweet they once saw. It described a millennial edition of Monopoly, where you would just move around the board paying rent but never buying anything.

You conclude that maybe this doesn’t sound that bad and head down to the local cafe for some smashed avocado on toast.

Because hey, at least the waiter will serve you without a parental escort and that’s something, right?

Writer Jamila Rizvi is currently househunting.

Jamila Rizvi is writer, radio presenter and news.com.au columnist. Her first book, Not Just Lucky is available now. You can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter.