James Weir: The only jobs that are safe to have if you plan on gracing a reality TV show

You were disgusted by this man after just two hours. And he had no idea the mistakes he was about to make when he signed up to The Bachelorette.

People with regular jobs should never go on reality shows — they’re weak and foolish stock better suited to nine-to-five hours in a windowless office rather than the glamorous world of tacky mansions kitted out with TV cameras.

The only careers that are safe to have if you plan on appearing on one are: Influencer. Entrepreneur. BMX rider. Tattooist. Juice bar blender girl.

If your occupation is listed above, you’re safe and the master of your own destiny. Wise move, juice bar blender girl. If you have a regular job and still dare to enter that tacky mansion, you’re playing with fire.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: The Bachelorette episode 1

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: The Bachelorette episode 2

Noosa councillor Jess Glasgow got burnt this week. In just two episodes of The Bachelorette, which premiered on Wednesday, his behaviour irked the nation and made everyone want to coat their bodies in Dettol hand sanitiser.

“Don’t mind me if I get some wandering fingers, all right?” he smirked to Bachelorette Angie Kent on Thursday night during a photoshoot challenge before sneering, “Damn, I’m gonna be the first person she gets to ride,” when she was asked to sit on his back as part of the task. “Shit, I bet she’s turned on. She’s up for it,” he leered later on.

The look of love.

He did a bunch of other things that made everyone cringe and, all piled together, it was too much and Australia dubbed him a creep. In just two hours of reality TV, Jess managed to ruin his reputation and damage his career. Noosa Mayor Tony Wellington even asked Cr Glasgow to resign.

This is the first time we’ve seen someone with a regular professional career go on a reality show and experience the extreme fallout. When all those Married At First Sight girls come out and rant about producers editing them to look bad, we roll our eyes. Public outrage is not detrimental to their burgeoning careers as influencers — it actually enhances it. Get on the receiving end of an attempted choking before mildly glassing your attacker like MAFS star Martha and your career skyrockets. The drama is a positive. Thanks to reality show drama, influencers have it much easier than the influencers of yore.

But if you’re a teacher or a doctor or a politician like our embattled friend from Noosa, you’re really playing with fire. Not since Salim Mehajer closed the streets of Lidcombe for his cashed-up bogan wedding has a local councillor copped so much heat.

Just one of many creepy moments from Jess.

Jess did a number of creepy things on The Bachelorette but he was also an easy target and producers smelt his naivety about reality TV a mile away. He’s a 37-year-old nerdy politician from Noosa — not exactly the key demo for these shows. He probably had no idea how the machine worked. And how exactly does it work? Basically producers encourage and enforce bad behaviour and then air your worst moments and then we all light our hashtags on fire and chase you through Twitter feeds around the country for our own personal enjoyment. It’s a modern-day Colosseum event but with better snacks and more blood.

Jess acted like a total skeeze and creeped everyone out, and now his entire life has been destroyed by a couple of hours of edited television. If he were an influencer he probably would’ve secured an endorsement deal with a teeth whitening laser company. The sobering reality of reality TV.

Can he pick up the pieces? Well, we’re all about silver linings in this column so there’s a chance he could leverage the reputation that’s going to stick with him after The Bachelor and run with it. His next campaign slogan? “Get looser in Noosa.”

He was promptly shipped back to Noosa.

THE ROYALS’ INCREDIBLY UNDERWHELMING HOMES

The life of a royal is not the height of luxury everything thinks it is. We saw it first-hand this week when Prince Harry invited us inside Princess Eugenie’s crap shack.

It was confusing. Harry filmed a video with Ed Sheeran to promote World Mental Health Day and the location of the clip was reportedly inside Ivy Cottage — Eugenie’s pad that’s on the grounds of Kensington Palace. It was a pit.

Fine, it wasn’t exactly a trash heap, but it was very unimpressive. The interior looked like the inside of your nan’s villa at the retirement village.

Hi nan!

And why didn’t Harry let us inside his newly renovated Frogmore Cottage? Probably because we’d all judge it and then get all up in arms about how OTT glam it is and then make comments about tax payer dollars. He knows us too well.

But we’re the least of his problems. He probably didn’t want his ratbag cousins Eugenie and Beatrice seeing the luxe overhaul the Queen paid for when all she has given them is the tiny maids’ quarters that hasn’t been redecorated since the 1800s. They would’ve been spewing when they saw the complete revamp Meghan gave the joint.

Meghan’s a sophisticated lady from the US. With mates like Amal Clooney and Serena Williams, she’d be mortified by Frogmore’s dark and dank rooms — with its tiny windows and dusty old people furniture. It was a house for cartoon toads. But not anymore. She probably busted through the ancient roof and installed an impressive skylight. And no doubt that brand new Freedom kitchen has all the bells and whistles. Bet it even comes with a breakfast bar.

The Queen would absolutely not have bought Eugenie and Beatrice a breakfast bar.

Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir

We imagine Frogmore has more marble and polished concrete.