James Weir recaps The Bachelorette 2019 episode 7

A war broke out on The Bachelorette after a “secret life” was exposed, while an impromptu dismissal and walkout pushed Angie to the brink. James Weir recaps.

The Bachelorette mansion has erupted with the boys turning on each other at a drunken cocktail party and Angie dismissing a bloke early — before the crying clinger makes good on his promise of destruction and names names.

The only thing more dramatic than someone naming names? A secret life being revealed and someone storming out for no apparent reason! In various locations along the Gold Coast, past contestants of Married At First Sight are watching tonight’s drama unfold and muttering, “Well that’s a bit OTT”.

It was only a matter of time. There can’t be that many cans of Lynx deodorant in the one place before the whole joint explodes.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: The Bachelorette episode 6

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: The Bachelorette episode 5

To recap last week’s recap — the crying clinger Jamie got outed as a big weirdo and when Angie confronted him about being a weirdo, he tried to accuse the other boys of being weirdos and then Angie blasted him and he pledged to destroy everyone in the mansion for crossing him. Weird, huh?

Well, on Wednesday night, Jamie redeems himself. He’s had a few days to rest and reflect on his behaviour and he assures us he has learnt from his mistakes.

“I could see myself 100 per cent having babies with Angie,” he blurts out.

No! Gahd! Jamie! You promised us you wouldn’t say anything weird.

Why couldn’t Jamie be like Haydn? When we brought up the topic of kids, he basically said “nah fanks! Kids suck!” Haydn is running away from responsibilities and stability the same way he’s been running away from the letter “e” all his life. But this comes back to burn him and Angie doesn’t mess around.

Anyway, we give tonight’s single date card to that cartoon prince with the made-up name Carlin and, of course, Jamie goes weird.

I would be the Ariel to his Prince Eric.

“Now Carlin gets the date, and it sucks,” Jamie fumes before providing a detailed record of all the time Carlin has already got to spend with Angie. “I feel that I haven’t even had that intimacy time with Angie!”

“Maybe you should stop requesting ‘intimacy time’ with her,” we offer, but the advice falls flat.

Jamie gets so worked up he picks a fight with Carlin and then bitches about him behind his back.

“I don’t buy into the Carlin thing. I feel he’s here for his TV and acting career,” he spits to one of the boys who looks like the 2IC of General Pants. The guy seems disinterested and apathetic, like most General Pants employees.

“The guys threw me under the bus with Angie’s parents. My name has now been tainted, and I’m not trying to be tit-for-tat but I feel it’s time for me to tell Angie who’s genuine and who’s ingenuine inside the mansion,” Jamie rattles on. And then? He names names. Finally!

“I feel Carlin, Matt and Ciarran are here for ingenuine reasons,” he declares. “When I see Carlin, I see a fake. And I’m going to let Angie know.”

Ooh! After refusing to name names last week, he has now decided to name names. And not just one name. A roll call of names! We love when people name names. Especially when they’re funny names like Carlin and Ciarran.

We tell Jamie his plan to publicly name names and expose everyone sounds like a fabulous idea and suggest he might like to carry out this scheme at a low-key affair where things won’t be taken out of context — like at the boozy midnight cocktail party.

We only hope Angie hasn’t just enjoyed an exquisite date with Carlin. Jamie’s exposure of Carlin as a fake would just destroy her heart.

“I’m on cloud nine! I feel like nothing can bring me down,” Angie sings to us as overlay footage plays of her making out with Carlin on a beach.

Welp, prepare to be torn down, dame!

Usually we’d skip the first part of the cocktail party and hang out inside going through everyone’s possessions, but because we were alerted early to the pending drama, we shuffled a few things around in the diary and arrive early to steal the daybeds on the patio. We’ll just go through everyone’s stuff while they sleep.

Wait, I got so distracted securing a daybed that I forgot what’s about to happen. Oh, right, Jamie’s about to publicly drag Carlin.

As a side note, Ciarran is feeling down. And not even a fun side braid can lift his spirits.

Would it help if we gave you some funky highlights?

But side braids and weirdos aside, Angie has more important things on her plate: like getting to the bottom of why Haydn hates kids and the letter “e”.

“I totally don’t mind if you don’t want to have kids, but I want to be a mum. I think that you would be a beautiful partner. But I think if we both don’t want … the same thing. It’s just … there’s no point, you know?” she tells him point blank, dismissing him early.

“See ya!” she says, nodding to the Uber.

“Bye!” Haydn calls from the driveway he has already started running down. She dumped him in 20 seconds flat and we couldn’t be prouder.

‘Kids are ew.’

But Angie has no time to celebrate cutting the fat from her life because Jamie lunges out from behind a bush and begins exposing everyone.

“Matt! He’s very career-focused on this whole BMX thing where he’s going to go worldwide after this. I don’t know if he’s got a place for you there, OK?” Jamie huffs, clearly out of breath from the excitement of launching his public take-down.

“Now, Ciarran! There has been some things that I’ve heard him say that I think are ingenuous.

“I am the eyes and ears in this mansion. I’m always watching, I’m always listening. He walks around this place, peacocking, talking about being the 2020 Bachelor next year.”

We’re all shocked. Partly because of the Bachelor 2020 claims but mainly because of Jamie’s admission that he sees everything in the house and we’re concerned he has installed hidden cameras in the bathrooms.

Yes or no, Jamie: have you been watching us pee??

“I sense a snake in the grass and I sense that he puts this 12-hour character on for you,” he continues dragging Carlin before exposing his secret life as a wannabe actor.

“He can’t hold it up in here over a month, and I see, day-by-day, cracks forming in his character. Right now, you see Carlin as a knight in shining armour. And I’m just telling you that …. it’s not what it seems. I feel Carlin is here to further his TV and his acting career.”

Angie is sickened. Her skin crawls at the thought of being tricked by a guy. And the hot flash of embarrassment crawls up her neck as she imagines that cranky old lady on Gogglebox mocking her public misfortune. Don’t worry, Angie — that cranky old lady doesn’t like anything. She’s the kind of old lady who only likes boring daytime events at the Opera House and Jenny Brockie on SBS.

“I’m in complete shock. My whole, like, tummy just sunk,” she stammers.

“I’ve just spent the day with Carlin. I’m just like, wow. Am I one of those girls that doesn’t see…like, such a faker right in front of me?”

We lean in, push her fringe out of her face, and give her a reassuring smile. “Probably,” we beam.

Where’s Yvie when we need her?

At first we don’t know who to believe. Carlin’s incredibly good looking — maybe he does want to be an actor! But then we hear him confront Jamie and attempt to recite the angry lines producers have written for him, and we see first-hand his extremely poor acting ability. There’s no way he could be an actor! He stinks! If he rocked up on the set of Home And Away, that Irene lady would have a complete fit and refuse to work with him and then ask producers if they can get Chris Hemsworth to return to Summer Bay.

Angie pulls Carlin aside. “Who the hell are you!” she screams.

Oh my gosh, she thinks she’s being Dirty Johned. We can’t wait for the podcast series!

The cameras went all ‘The Blair Witch Project’ and I loved every second of it.

But just as that General Pants 2IC tells her she’s got it all wrong and Carlin’s actually a good guy, that other guy with the side braid throws a tantrum and storms out of the mansion. Will he return?

Too much has happened. No more decisions can be made until dawn.

Angie’s distraught. Carlin’s bad at acting. And that General Pants 2IC looks trollied and dishevelled which, along with being disinterested and apathetic, seems about right.

Do you guys have these skinny jeans in a size 28 or not?

For more observations on funky highlights and being Dirty Johned, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir