James Weir recaps The Bachelorette 2019 episode 5

This is a blatant slap to the face. Angie has taunted the crying clinger on The Bachelorette and left him shattered. James Weir recaps.

The Bachelorette’s crying clinger is dealt a cruel slap to the face when Angie publicly trolls him before he flips the tables and gets sweet revenge by giving her a terrible gift she absolutely doesn’t want but now has to keep and use.

Wednesday night begins as it always does: with a lame group date. Producers try to spice things up by making the guys perform at a comedy club which would be fun if we got to see the comedians who got axed from the program to make room for these clowns. A big neon sign hangs above the entrance announcing, “The Bachelorette comedy club — one night only!” and that’s the biggest joke of the evening because we’ve been laughing at these bozos two nights a week for the past month. Anyway, they all bomb so much they end up soaking the whole joint in bomb juice.

The following day, the boys wake up to the alarming sound of a whirling siren. It gets louder with every second and as they run out the front of the mansion a fire truck is rushing up the driveway.

We can smell something bad — but that’s just the leftover stench from last night’s stand-up comedy attempts. There’s no smoke.

When Angie jumps out of the truck, it becomes clear — and Jamie the crying firefighter gets excited. This is his moment — a date tailored to his personal and professional strengths and a way for him to really show Angie the kind of man he is out in the real world. He can’t believe Angie would organise something so thoughtful.

“The person I’ve picked today is Ryan!” Angie beams.

Ah. The dewy glow you get when you publicly troll someone.

Ouch. What a slap to the face. She chose the Instagram dog guy over the firefighter for the firefighting date. Well, I guess her choice is still relevant. The Instagram dog guy probably has a lot of experience with fire in the way of thirsty ladies commenting on all his shirtless photos with the flame emoji. Who are we to argue with Angie’s logic?

The fire engine arrives at the date location and they’re hurled into their first task: extinguishing a car on fire.

“Ryan’s the perfect guy for this date,” Angie gushes to us.

Again, it seems relevant to point out there’s literally a firefighter in the competition. She’s just trolling the crying clinger now.

This date is as romantic as being winched out of a burning building while all of your worldly possessions turn to ash.

Please just leave us inside.

After escaping the burning building, they do what all firefighters do after risking their lives: go to Max Brenner.

Over fondue, the Instagram dog guy confesses to Angie he developed a massive cyber crush on her and that he also has sweaty hands. She collapses into his arms and confesses to also suffering from extreme palm perspiration. They pledge to unite and use their public platform for good by developing a clinically tested, universally available prescription deodorant for hands.

This is one of the great romances — like Jack and Rose on the Titanic or Julian Assange and Pamela Anderson in that bunker at the Ecuadorean Embassy.

“It’s so crazy that Ryan has sweaty hands like me. I’ve never been with somebody that has that!” Angie grins, grasping for any and all signs from the universe that this guy is the one.

Wow. High standards. I’m a bit more of a diva in my own dating life and won’t budge from my very demanding criteria of, “Has teeth”.

Honestly, this guy was conveniently planted in there by producers because he knew Angie on the outside and she will pick him because she doesn’t want to end up with one of the five guys in the mansion who looks like Sideshow Bob from The Simpsons. And we’re fine with this.

Back at the mansion, the boys are waiting on the patio for the cocktail party to begin and Jamie the crying firefighter is still upset the firefighting date was so cruelly dangled in front of him only to be given to a hot guy from Instagram.

“I’m absolutely gutted. I really thought that date was mine,” he sobs before revealing a plan to win Angie back. “I have this amazing gift for Angie so she can see how much I care about her.”

He holds up a box and winks at us before grabbing Angie by the hand and walking off into the garden.

“Ooh nice! It better not be something lame — like socks lol,” we cackle before skipping off to hang with the alpacas.

The colour drains from Jamie’s face as Angie grabs the box and rips off the lid.

Is it jewellery? Maybe lingerie?

It’s … socks. More accurately, novelty socks.

We looked in the box before he gave it to her.

But they’re not just novelty socks. They carry a deeper meaning.

“When we were on the group date the other day, Yvie said something about you not liking your own feet,” he begins. “It’s not about covering up your flaws. I think everything about you is beautiful. When you’re having a really bad day, that night you go put these socks on, you go to sleep and the next day you wake up with nothing but love and positivity in your heart. Because after every storm, there’s always a rainbow.”

Wow. It’s like something out of an Elizabeth Gilbert novel. If Elizabeth Gilbert was writing about a character who did and said amazingly cringe-worthy things.

It’s actually genius. Angie trolled him with the firefighter date and now he’s getting revenge on her with a crap gift. If it were us, we’d make her pull them on right here and now, but everyone does revenge differently.

“Thank youuuuuu!” Angie cringes while rubbing Jamie’s shoulder from a distance.

It’s around now that Instagram dog guy Ryan pulls Angie away for a private chat and all the other boys start spewing because he just spent an entire day with her on a date.

Timmmmm leads the charge even though he did this same exact thing last week and all the boys follow to confront Ryan.

“Let’s not forget this is The Bachelorette — not, Lets Go Make Friends With Everyone In The House,” Ryan spits and he’s right — that is a terrible name for a television show and none of us would watch it.

“Ryan’s pissing me off so much I have to walk away,” Haydn says before storming off, presumedly to find the missing vowel in his name.

“He’s done to me! Absolutely done!” Ciarran spits before running off and almost wiping out a producer in his path.

83% of reality TV producers are injured by spontaneous contestant walkouts.

Inside at the rose ceremony, Osher informs the boys three people will be eliminated tonight. Emotions are running high. But moments later, we all breath a sigh of relief because we don’t even know the three people who get dumped.

Who are they? One of the Sideshow Bobs, the flight attendant and … a guy.

It was nice not knowing youse.

For more observations on novelty socks and bomb juice, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir