Husband’s secret outed and wife humiliated in Married At First Sight revenge plot

A MAFS star has destroyed her former BFF by exposing a secret in an act of petty public payback. James Weir recaps.

Lauren better get Lucinda to cast a spell on Jono.

A gleeful revenge plot exposes a last-minute secret on Married At First Sight, leaving one humiliated wife wanting to muzzle the fingers of her husband and pull the ponytail of her gloating glazed Christmas ham of a nemesis.

Sunday night’s commitment ceremony has all the elements of classic dramatic storytelling: Love, betrayal, revenge … A sorta-cheating scandal that happens exclusively over text message between two of this year’s most boring contestants.

It’s almost Shakespearean.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS:Read all the recaps here

After weeks of being attacked by the group, Tori walks into the final commitment ceremony of the season with a confident swagger. Some incriminating intel has fallen into her lap at the eleventh hour. How convenient! The producers must be breathing a sigh of relief that one last storyline has popped up just in time to gas this freakmobile over the finish line. Or, more accurately, off the cliff.

Tori sits patiently and watches all the other couples fall apart. Up on the therapy couch, Jayden’s talking to Eden like he’s a security guard at the Coogee Pav and she’s an incoherent party girl who just threw up a pitcher of spicy margs into a pot plant. Then Lucinda dumps Timothy by reciting a magic spell she wrote on a scroll with a feathered quill.

A smirk creeps across Tori’s face as she recalls the many drunken dinner parties where this group of frenemies opposed her union with Jack. The accusations of phoniness. The invasive interrogations about her sex life. The jokes comparing her husband to a leg of baked seasonal meat.

But they were wrong. Jack and Tori are tighter than one of Jack’s blouses. And the other couples are now bursting at the seams like … like … well, one of Jack’s blouses.

When Lauren and Jono hit the couch, they gush over each other. It seems they could be one of those couples who leaves this show and re-enters the real world to have a healthy relationship that they then monetise with a Metamucil sponsorship deal.

Happiness will implode in five, four, three, two …

“I feel really close to Lauren,” Jono smiles. “I feel happy, I feel excited when I see her. Whenever I look at her, I feel lucky.”

Let’s throw to Tori on the sidelines!

“What a crock of shit that is,” she groans to herself. “I wanna spew.”

Spew tea!

“Can I just pipe in there?” she calls out.

Girl, ya have the floor.

She has some thoughts and opinions.

“I was made privy to some information today that Jono had been texting Elly,” she tells the room.

Everyone gasps. Well, everyone except us. We don’t gasp because the storyline of Jono and Elly’s sorta-scandal has been getting reported since before the show even started airing. We’ve been waiting for it to play out on-air since Elly dumped that wannabe podcaster she was matched with.

To be honest, at this stage of the game, we’re too exhausted to care. We’re actually more interested to know how this information was spoonfed to Tori. In an attempt to distract us from asking questions, the producers apply some creative editing — zooming in on Jono’s stunned face before cutting to sepia-toned flashback footage of all the times he flirted with Elly in front of the cameras.

Ah yes. The over-the-top fake laugh that comes when trying to impress a crush.

Jono insists it’s all innocent.

“I also text Stephen and Michael!” he says.

Tori scrunches her face. “They’re two gay guys, mate.”

“Elly reached out to me!” Jono scrambles to shift the blame. “And every three or four days she’ll be like, ‘How was the dinner party,’ or, ‘How was the commitment ceremony’.”

Jack is loving every second of this. After all, Jono’s the one who exposed Jack’s comments about selling Tori to other husbands, which led to the muzzle outburst and the resulting furore.

“Ooh, this is a bit juicy,” he laughs.

You know what else is juicy, Jack? A glazed Christmas ham.

Put a fork in it, pork.

“I’m just a friend keeping people up to date,” Jono tries to play down the texts.

Lauren jumps in.

“I’m sure she’s got plenty of friends,” she hits back before questioning the true motivation of her husband’s alleged other woman. “She wants to know what’s going on with me and you. I think she’s keen. Elly could’ve messaged me!”

Her head spins and her voice starts to crack.

“You literally had sex with me and you’re messaging another girl?” she sobs. “What the actual f**k. I feel hurt and betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel f**king stupid. This is humiliating.”

The experts demand to know how Jono feels about Elly.

“I think she’s funny,” he shrugs.

Funny? FUNNY? She was a lovely enough girl but funny she was not. Repeat one funny thing Elly said or did on this show – even a mildly amusing anecdote. We’ll wait.

From the beginning, Lauren branded Jono nice but boring. And the same description can be applied to Elly. If the rumours of a partner swap are indeed true, it’s a match made in boredom.

We can’t wait to see what offensive nickname Lauren crowns Jono with after this betrayal.

It’s time for the decision cards. Both Lauren and Jono choose to stay. Of course, these were written before sorta-scandals were revealed. But it’s too late for a change of mind. They’re both trapped and must see out the final week as producers juice the drops outta this almost-affair.

They say two wrongs don’t make a right. But can two of this year’s most boring contestants unite and form an interesting storyline?

That’s the real cliffhanger of the season.

Facebook: @hellojamesweir