James Weir recaps Farmer Wants A Wife: TV final’s ‘wrong’ decision

A final ceremony on Farmer Wants A Wife is thrown off course when immediate regret spurs the bloke to run after the woman he dumped. James Weir recaps.

A distraught city girl is herded back to the big smoke on Sunday’s Farmer Wants A Wife after her stockman delivers his final decision in an articulate speech that can be summarised with two words: yeah, nah.

The dramatic rejection goes down in the middle of a paddock as a flock of sheep judge from the sidelines. There’s also a blue Cinderella dress involved — complete with puffy sleeves. And instead of a pumpkin carriage, there’s a chauffeured D-MAX.

This is a cautionary fairy tale for the bogan age.

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But tonight’s episode is not all doom and gloom. There’s also some joyful moments. Like when Karli, who has been labelled high-maintenance, gets her hair ruined in a freak storm.

“I didn’t think Karli would go in the rain — she’ll have to fix her make-up 12 times,” sneers her nemesis Caitlin. “I just hope her fake tan doesn’t run onto her white dress.”

Unfortunately, Karli’s dress remains stain free. Boo! But that’s OK — producers have a backup plan. They organise a date where she has to crush red grapes while wearing the white dress. Yay!

Karli’s imagining these grapes are Caitlin’s heart as she uses her feet to squish them to hell.

Over at Farmer Tom’s homestead, the harem has been whittled down ahead of schedule. Two ladies remain: Sarah and Krissy.

“My gut and my heart and every ounce of my being wants to be with this guy,” Krissy gushes to us. “If I’m not chosen, I’ll be absolutely shattered.”

Uh-oh. This is a classic reality TV trick by evil producers. They’re setting her up for failure.

Let’s cut to Farmer Tom, who’s mulling over his doubts ahead of the final decision.

“I do care greatly for Krissy. … But there is quite a large age gap between the two of us. It is a bit concerning,” he grunts.

We know exactly how this is going to end. He’s 22. She’s 29. That’s practically three times his age in the reality TV universe. It’ll never work out.

But Nanna Krissy has no idea she’s about to get dumped. She pulls on a blue Cinderella dress with poofy sleeves and jumps into the chauffeured D-MAX. She makes the driver blast Faith Hill’s 1998 hit This Kiss on the stereo and she scream-sings the chorus out the open window as the ute speeds along the highway.

By the time the chariot rolls into a random paddock and Farmer Tom comes into sight, Krissy thinks this is her big princess moment. Minutes later, her heart gets tossed in the sugar cane crusher.

This! Kiss! This! Kiiiissss!

“When you commit, you commit 110 per cent. I’m not sure I can give you the same thing in that situation because you give so much,” Farmer Tom mumbles. “I just don’t know if I can be the person to offer that in return. I’ve decided I can’t see myself continuing on in this relationship.”

Krissy’s stunned. She thought for sure he was going to pick her. She’d even ordered his-and-hers R.M. Williams boots.

‘What the hell am I gonna do with all those KingGee shirts I bought?’

“I’m a bit shocked and I think I have a valid reason to be,” she snips. “I did not see this coming. It felt really real for me. I’m shocked.”

She turns away and trudges back through the paddock towards the D-MAX. Suddenly, Tom runs after her.

Farmer Tom handled this break-up with as much grace as a D-MAX in a china shop.

“I definitely didn’t do you justice,” he gasps when he finally catches up. “I did the wrong thing by you. I kinda didn’t go into what you did mean to me … nah, it’s wrong. I saw you there. I obviously feel terrible and I just kinda panicked and rushed it. I just can’t explain how grateful I am and everything … but, nah, I’m truly sorry for that … but … yeah …”

Krissy sucks in a deep breath.

“Walk me to the car then,” she says.

Tom escorts her to the D-MAX and the chariot rumbles away down a dirt road, finally disappearing in a cloud of dust.

Then it’s time for Sarah to be chauffeured into the paddock.

“After putting a lot of consideration in, at this point in time, Sarah, you are the person I want a relationship with and I am falling in love with you,” Farmer Tom grunts.

“I love you,” Sarah whispers as they kiss.

Their love is permanent — like the red grape stains on Karli’s white dress.

Facebook: @hellojamesweir