James Weir recaps Farmer Wants A Wife: Surprise accusations after diva antics

Diva behaviour has divided Channel 7’s wholesome franchise with accusations thrown over fake tan and hot tongs. James Weir recaps.

Things are heating up — and not just the hot tongs.

Accusations of a GHD addiction and chronic fake tan dependence rock the Farmer Wants A Wife cattle stations on Tuesday night before one lady is dubbed unsuitable as a wife and mother by the selection committee of the local CWA.

Just when we think things couldn’t get more explosive, the city girl battling diva allegations lies to all the townsfolk and proclaims a love of spear fishing.

It’s all happenin’ out there in the sticks.

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We begin the day by whizzing our D-MAX ute over to Farmer Bert’s homestead where we find his harem of ladies milling about the hundred-year old kitchen. They’re preparing a home-cooked meal for a special lunch. Farmer Bert’s mates are the guests of honour and will rank each member of the harem.

What’s on the menu?

“Should we do grated cheese?” one of the ladies asks, while peering into the fridge.

Ah, yes. A bowl of grated cheese. Make sure to follow the recipe carefully in the Australian Women’s Weekly cookbook.

Some of the ladies have bigger concerns.

“Karli’s gonna struggle the most getting ready. She’s always really concerned about what she looks like,” Caitlin sighs to us. “She puts fake tan on every morning and straightens her hair before she comes out of the bedroom. She stresses out about her outfits. I do wonder if that’s the kind of person Bert wants to be with – high-maintenance. My hope is Bert’s friends get to see the real side of Karli.”

We look around to find Karli, but she’s nowhere in sight. Then we smell it: the unmistakeable scent of burning hair:

*sizzle*

We pad into the bathroom and find Karli going hell for leather with the hot tongs.

“I feel strong in my connection with Bert,” she gushes to us over the whirr of the bathroom exhaust fan. “I honestly just don’t wanna leave his side.”

Yeah, except to marinade in fake tan while ironing your hair.

Anyway, producers giddily commit to the storyline of Karli’s GHD addiction and ask her to say something mean about her unkempt nemesis Caitlin.

“Does he want a mate who can hang out with the boys? Or someone more feminine? A lady,” Karli says.

Cue the B-roll footage of Caitlin rolling around in dirt while grunting.

High-maintenance Karli vs. unkempt Caitlin.

Meanwhile, Farmer Todd’s ladies are getting to know their master’s mates over lunch at the bowlo. The conversation turns to the breezy topic of Daisy’s Hollywood marriage — how she married a guy only months after meeting and then divorced even faster.

“I’d like to know she’s here for love and not social media,” one of Bert’s mates says as they gather to judge the women. “I was surprised by Daisy. I was thinking she’s a bit wild, pretty full on.”

Another chimes in with a question: “Do you get vibes of the ex?”

There’s a collective gasp.

“Yes I do! And that’s what put me off! And that’s not what we want. We’ve been there and we don’t wanna go back there! But that’s what he’s drawn to!”

They stage an intervention with Todd.

The Shelbyville version of Monica, Rachel, Ross and Chandler.

“We’re all a bit concerned in regards to Daisy,” one of the friends tells Todd. “I don’t feel she’s the right pick for you as a wife and as the mother of your children. I find her very strong, feisty … (She) Has a masculine vibe.”

Masculine vibe? Huh. Sounds like she’d get on with unkempt Caitlin.

‘She’s just not the right fit for the CWA.’

We jump in the D-MAX and hoon over to check on Farmer Bert’s gathering. By the time we arrive, the bowl of grated cheese has been completely demolished. What a crowd-pleaser!

We spot Karli across the yard. Hey girl! Hair looks great! Did you straighten it?

‘I swear I just rolled outta bed!’

Caitlin’s miffed. She’s standing on the sidelines watching Karli mingle.

“I think Karli’s behaviour is a little bit different today,” she snips. “It’s not as intense. I do feel like Karli does change to be well suited for Bert.”

What? Don’t be paranoid! Caitlin, you must be dazed from sniffing the fumes of Karli’s fake tan. Karli is absolutely not putting on a bogus personalit-

“I’d love to go spear fishing!” Karli gushes to Bert’s friends.

Karli! What are you thinking? You can’t go spear fishing — ya hair will frizz!

Caitlin has no choice but to take matters into her own hands. She corners Bert’s mates and promptly white-ants Karli.

“I consider myself easygoing — don’t care if I have make-up on,” she tells them before exposing her enemy’s GHD addiction. “But Karli always takes so long to get ready — straightening her hair, doing her make-up. She has to put fake tan on every night. And I don’t know if Bert likes that kind of person or if he likes more of an easy going kind of person.”

Caitlin, this is a dangerous game. Your nemesis is about to trade hot tongs for a spear. Just replace her fake tan with satay sauce and call it a day.

Facebook: @hellojamesweir