Game of Thrones recap: Season six, episode nine

SPOILER ALERT. This week’s massively hyped up Game of Thrones episode ended on a deeply disturbing note.

SPOILER ALERT. This recap will cover the events of episode nine, otherwise known as Bastardbowl.

If you haven’t seen the episode yet, stop here, before the spoilers attack you like a pack of starving hounds.

Last week’s recap

WINTERFELL

Jon, Sansa, Ramsay and their respective posses meet outside Winterfell in a pointless attempt to avert Bastardbowl. Clearly none of them watched the trailer for this episode, which made some pretty solid promises. Our bloodlust must be satisfied.

“Sansa! You came back. I knew you’d miss me.”

“I have come to discuss the terms of your imminent ass-whooping.”

“I’m a man of mercy,” Ramsay says. Apparently they have Opposite Day in Westeros. He urges Jon to surrender, and in response, Jon tries to set up a one-on-one duel. Both men are looking to rob us of the epic battle we deserve, the bastards.

Thankfully, Badass Sansa is there to get things back on track. “You’re going to die tomorrow Lord Bolton. Sleep well,” she says. You almost expect her to add “the night is dark and full of terrors”, just for extra dramatic effect.

As the Stark posse departs, Ramsay threatens to feed all of them to his starving dogs, which definitely isn’t meant to foreshadow anything.

“I’m starting to think you’re not a very nice person.”

It’s a real sausage fest back in the official strategy tent. Sansa watches the boys argue about how they’d prefer to be destroyed the next day — Thormund is worried about horses, having seen the fabled beasts in action north of The Wall.

“You and Stannis cut through us like piss through snow,” he says. The man clearly has a hot, strong stream. If he’d only been with Stannis this time last season, the winter storm wouldn’t have been a problem.

When everyone else has left the tent, Sansa rounds on Jon for failing to consult her. “Did it ever once occur to you that I might have some insight?” she asks. Take that, patriarchy.

“Shut up and listen to the only person here with any balls.”

Of course, Sansa is at an advantage here, because she’s actually met Ramsay for more than five minutes. She’s also mastered second-grade maths, so unlike Jon (who presumably spent all his spare time as a child sparring with his mates instead of studying) she knows 3,000 is a much smaller number than 6,000.

You know, this would probably be a good time to tell Jon about Littlefinger’s approaching reinforcements. Any time now, Sansa. No? Nup. OK.

Outside, Tormund and Davos share stories about their first loves — Mance and Stannis, respectively — before discovering they now have a crush on the same man. Tormund departs to drink a jug of sour goat’s milk, and Davos says he’s off to poop.

A little later, he finds the stag he crafted for Shireen right next to a burnt pyre. Detective Davos decides the evidence all points to Melisandre, and issues a mental warrant for her arrest. Tune in next week for part two of CSI: Westeros.

“Happy s****ing.”

*Sad badger intensifies*

Speaking of Melisandre, she does still exist, and she’s a lot less optimistic these days. The woman who used to insist Stannis was the chosen one and the guaranteed future king of Westeros now tells Jon her god probably just brought him back to life to kill him off again.

“What kind of god would do that?” Jon asks. “George R.R. Martin,” she replies.

The next morning, Jon and Ramsay’s armies line up opposite each other and stand around patiently, like two footy teams waiting for the referee to find his whistle. Finally, Ramsay appears with Rickon, the official Stark heir. Yes, Bran’s older, but he’s more tree than man now, so I’m removing him from the line of succession.

“Do you like games, little man? Personally, I’m a big fan of Scrabble.”

Ramsay lets the youngster run towards Jon, all the while taking potshots at him with a bow and arrow. Rickon, being the dimmest of all the Starks, sprints in a straight line. Dammit boy, at least zigzag a bit.

The last arrow finds its target. It’s OK though, because Melisandre’s on hand to resurrect him. No? We’re not doing that anymore? Never mind then.

Jon reacts to this vaguely sad turn of events by throwing his meticulously laid battle plan out the window and charging at the Bolton forces by himself.

“Stand back boys. I GOT THIS.”

The next 15 minutes show Jon and his men fluctuating between screwed, utterly screwed and suffocating underneath a pile of corpses. A highlight is Tormund’s one-on-one fight with Lord Smalljon Umber — it’s a pretty hairy situation, but the best beard wins.

Just when everything seems hopeless, and Jon’s forces are encircled by men with pointed sticks, Gandalf shows up with the Rohirrim. Game over for the Boltons, who melt away like a pile of snow under Tormund’s piss.

“The eagles are coming, the eagles are coming! Oh wait, that’s the third one.”

Ramsay flees back into Winterfell. “They don’t have the men for a siege. All we need to do is wait,” he says. His mood here is a little like Cristiano Ronaldo’s after that devastating draw with Iceland last week — dark, shaken, but still insufferably cocky.

Sadly for him, Jon happens to be buddies with a living, breathing battering ram, who uses his dying breaths to bust down the gate. Farewell, Wun Wun. You were a giant among men.

Inside the castle walls, Jon finally gets his one-on-one fight with Ramsey, and proceeds to beat him to a bloody pulp. It’s the dictionary definition of cathartic.

“It’s just a flesh wound.”

Four significant things happen in the aftermath of the battle. The Stark sigil replaces the Bolton one on the walls of Winterfell. Detective Davos eyes his suspect suspiciously. Jon says he’s going to bury Rickon in the family crypt, where I’m sure he’ll learn absolutely nothing about his true parentage. And Badass Sansa goes to visit her dear husband in the kennels.

“Your words will disappear. Your house will disappear. Your name will disappear. All memory of you will disappear,” she says. Then she watches as Ramsay’s hounds rip him to shreds. It’s horrendous, but you can’t look away - and neither can Sansa.

Probably should have fed them, mate.

“Ya done good, girl. Ya done good.”

MEEREEN

Tyrion tries to weasel out of taking responsibility for the slave masters’ attack, but it turns out he has a bigger problem on his hands anyway — Daenerys is now certifiably insane.

Her long term plan for Slaver’s Bay can be summed up in three words: BURN THEM ALL. Where have we heard that before? Oh yes, the Mad King. Wonderful.

Tyrion takes the opportunity to remind us that Aerys stashed a bunch of wildfire under King’s Landing. He specifically mentions the Sept of Baelor, where Cersei’s trial will be taking place in next week’s episode. Again, I’m sure this foreshadows nothing.

“You’re fired.”

“How literally do you mean that?”

As expected, Daenerys easily disposes of the slave masters by using all three of her dragons to BURN THEM ALL. Or at least burn a healthy proportion of them.

Fast forward a few days and she’s meeting with the newly arrived Theon and Yara Greyjoy, both of whom appear to have sobered up for the occasion.

The pair ask her to help them retake the Iron Islands in return for their ships. Daenerys isn’t too impressed at first, but then she and Yara share a “girl power” moment, and everything’s sweet.

The deal comes with a catch though. When Daenerys is Queen of Westeros, the Ironborn will be forbidden from reaving, pillaging and raping — or as they call it, a fun Sunday afternoon. Good luck with that.

“I can totally see my house from here.”

We’ll be back with a recap of the season finale next week. In the meantime, leave your thoughts in the comments section below.