Game of Thrones recap: Season six, episode eight

SPOILER ALERT. This week’s Game of Thrones episode brutally murdered fan theories. And a few major characters.

SPOILER ALERT. This recap will, surprise surprise, recap the events of episode eight.

If you haven’t caught up yet, leave now. Seriously. A reader has been given a second chance. There will not be a third.

Last week’s recap

BRAAVOS

Arya’s plan to hide from a cult of professional assassins by standing out in the open where anyone could see her clearly didn’t go well, so she’s switched to Plan B: hiding in the exact spot where she pissed off said assassins by failing to kill Lady Crane. This is kind of like a killer returning to the scene of the crime. It’s the first place the cops will look, but hey, at least it’s familiar.

She doesn’t regret her decision though, because whaddaya know, Lady Crane’s medicine cabinet contains the instant cure for fatal stab wounds. Gee, that’s lucky! Arya crashes at her place overnight, wakes up pretty much fully healed, and is once again ready to flee from the Waif, who now walks and runs like the Terminator for some reason.

“It’s just a flesh wound.”

Arya manages to lure her would-be killer to the dark corner of Braavos where she stashed (and bizarrely abandoned) Needle, and we finally get the pay-off for that endless procession of blind stick-fighting scenes earlier in the season — a glorious duel to the death. I mean, it happens off-screen, but I presume it’s glorious.

Then, to seal her triumph, Arya peels off the Waif’s face and stuffs it in Jaqen’s basement. Mercifully, this also occurs off-screen.

Jaqen tells Arya she’s finally become “no one”, proving once and for all that he has no idea what he’s talking about, and she announces her intention to return to Westeros, officially ending this ridiculous, depressing and utterly pointless two-season long detour.

“Who will be a man’s friend now? Oh, right. No one.”

KING’S LANDING

Tommen, first of his name, King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, Protector of the Realm and Slayer of Overhyped Fan Theories, has outlawed the long-running plot device known as the trial by combat. Sorry folks, but Cleganebowl has been cancelled and your tickets won’t be refunded.

This basically means Cersei is screwed. No matter how many sparrow heads Zombie Gregor rips off like bottle caps, she will face an actual trial, where she will almost certainly be found guilty and sentenced to death by boring sermon, or something similarly pious. Maybe the High Sparrow will flog her to death with those fancy shoes he used to make. I dunno.

Understandably, she’s getting desperate, which makes the “rumour” Maester Frankenstein has been investigating on her behalf all the more unsettling. Does this rumour involve a secret stash of wildfire hidden at the location of her upcoming trial, I wonder? Will that stash mysteriously explode at an opportune moment, dooming Cersei’s enemies to a fiery death? When Jaime says Cersei will gladly “reduce cities to ash”, is it a painfully obvious clue?

After losing Cleganebowl — the love of my life — I’m ready to pick up another outrageous fan theory on the rebound. This one will do. Burn them all, Cersei. Burn them all.

“Have you considered a trial by wombat, your grace?”

RIVERRUN

Brienne has arrived at the … stake out? Group sleepover? Oh yeah, it’s a siege. Thanks for the reminder Podrick, you military mastermind.

While Pod reunites with the abusive big brother he never had, Brienne endures a good three or four minutes of awkward sexual tension with Jaime. He tells Brienne his long, beautiful sword will always be hers, which is nice and suggestive, but nothing compared to the wondrous spectacle of Thormund’s chicken sucking.

“And you found this display with the chicken ... enticing?”

Jaime also gives Brienne permission to enter Riverrun, where she talks to the Blackfish and accomplishes absolutely nothing. So the Kingslayer switches to his back-up plan — he convinces Edmure Tully, otherwise known as the most pathetic man in Westeros, to saunter into the castle and order his men to surrender.

The Blackfish refuses to obey this order, and is killed in what I can only presume is another glorious sword fight off-screen, while Brienne and Podrick escape up the river veeeeery slowly. They’ll need a motorboat to make it back to Winterfell in time for Bastardbowl.

“I am sooooo judging you right now.”

THE RIVERLANDS

Sandor Clegane has an axe to grind with — and swing at — the Brotherhood Without Banners, whose men slaughtered his nice Amish friends in last week’s episode. The Hound starts by killing a group of obnoxious bros in the middle of kissing practise. When he finds his real targets, they’re already about to be hanged for their crimes.

It turns out the Brotherhood is still being led by a generally decent and level-headed guy called Beric Dondarrion, who doesn’t sanction things like mass murder. This is presumably very disappointing for book fans, who were expecting to see someone else.

Sandor stops to break bread with Beric — though he notes he would prefer chicken.

“Come on Beric, let me kill them. Don’t, ahem, leave me hanging here.”

MEEREEN

With Varys away on a secret mission, Tyrion wants a new drinking buddy. He pressures Missandei and Grey Worm into getting sloshed with the persistence of a seasoned frat boy, but in the long term, it’s obviously a lost cause. Someone get Yara Greyjoy one of Littlefinger’s famous jetpacks, because she’s needed in Meereen asap.

After a scene full of awful booze-fuelled jokes — it’s a bit like this recap, really — Tyrion is interrupted by a war. The slavemasters have shown up with an armada of ships and are bombarding the city. If only Daenerys’s dragons had a knack for showing up at absurdly convenient moments …

“Have I told you the one about the imp who walks into the Great Pyramid with a bunch of really stupid jokes?”

We’ll be back next week to recap episode nine, or #Bastardbowl, as it’s being called these days. In the meantime, leave your thoughts in the comments section below.