James Weir: When did Cabo become the hide-out for embattled Aussie blokes?

This luxe playground for Hollywood’s elite is being terrorised by Aussie blokes whose lives are crumbling. It’s swiftly losing its lavish appeal.

Our down-and-out Aussie stars of screen and stadium are seeking refuge in a secret paradise and terrorising Oprah in the process.

Now that the Hemsworths have turned all of Byron Bay into their own private property and the Gold Coast is overrun by former Married At First Sight contestants, there’s just nowhere for our embattled stars to run off to. So where do they go? Cabo, apparently.

Somehow over the past two years, the Mexican holiday mecca that overlooks the Sea of Cortez has become the hide-out for our battered Aussie blokes. Karl Stefanovic jetted over there after his marriage bust-up and then he returned again to start up his new marriage. James Packer built a villa there after all the Mariah drama. And just this week, leaked footage surfaced of Sam Burgess partying on a yacht surrounded by chicks in bikinis in the paradise while his marriage woes continued to unfold back home.

This was an iconic jaunt.

Sam was there yahooing around in a loin cloth at the 50th birthday of NRL star Sean Garlick and there was also a Bachelorette star there. To be fair, the Bachelorette star is also Sean’s son. But aren’t Bachelorette contestants intrinsically embattled? I feel like if anyone goes on that show they’re embattled in both life and love or at least on their way to being.

So it’s settled! Cabo is the secret hide-out for embattled Aussie blokes. It’s weird because for years it was a secret haven for Hollywood’s elite to kick back and unwind in. Jennifer Aniston and Oprah love it there. And now they’re having to share it with a Stefanovic and a Burgess brother? You know, Oprah rarely draws a short straw in life but this is quite an undesirable predicament. Her relaxing getaways are now being ruined by an influx of our down-and-out stars.

Can you imagine her reading one of her book club novels on a sun lounger only to look up and have pool water kicked in her face by a partying Burgess brother?

No one deserves that.

How can Oprah and that Burgess brother coexist here?

DICKIE MAY HAVE DODGED A BULLET

We love a sliding doors moment in this column but we’re always left a little disappointed because we can only just imagine how the alternative scenario would’ve played out but it’s also fun because the only thing better than fact is wild speculation.

The subject of this week’s sliding doors moment is Richard Wilkins who, coincidentally, has the same haircut as Gwyneth Paltrow in the hit 1998 rom-com Sliding Doors. But haircuts are where the Gwyneth similarities begin and end, though it’d be kinda funny if Dickie also got cheated on by John Lynch.

Richard’s sliding doors moment is with Suzi Taylor from The Block. Remember Suzi? Big boobs, Gold Coast, got papped partying topless on a boat in a G-string. Here’s a visual.

As you do.

It all just comes screaming back, right? Anyway, after she starred on the reno show in 2015, rumours started to swirl that she was having a fling with Dickie. I should know, because I helped spread those rumours. But they weren’t just rumours, everyone knew and all of Sydney was talking (read: laughing) about it. Suzi then came out and confirmed it, revealing they met at a telethon in Queensland. And this makes sense because, honestly, what the hell else are you gonna do at a telethon?

“From there, I would go to Sydney to see him. He gave me access to his house and I would be there in my underwear waiting for him when he got home from work,” she said of the two-month affair.

Just wow. What an enviable rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle. That tale should definitely feature in either of their eulogies.

She then later said Dickie wasn’t as good in bed as Michael Hutchence and I don’t really know why I’m including this additional fact but it seems necessary.

What kind of telethon happens at a nightclub?

But back to the sliding doors moment. Dickie’s romance with Suzi ended and now, four years later, Suzi appeared in court this week after being charged with extorting her Tinder date and holding him against his will in an elaborate honey trap scheme. Geez, that sentence just blows the wind right up ya, nah?

Queensland Police said a 33-year-old man attended a home in Brisbane just after midnight last month after meeting with Suzi and then she allegedly demanded money from him and then when he refused, another man allegedly entered the room and assaulted the guy and held him against his will. Cops claim the pair forced the guy to undertake an online transaction and then allegedly stole his bank card and withdrew cash.

Yowza. Gwyneth had it tough getting cheated on by John Lynch, but at least he didn’t lock her in a room and steal her Visa.

Look, our lawyers have limited the boundaries on how far I can wildly speculate with my sliding doors theory about Suzi, Dickie and the honey trap. But I reckon we can all agree Dickie may have dodged a bullet.

Who knows what Scotty Cam would think about this latest incident.

Rambling down this little rabbit hole has also reinvigorated our love for the Today team of yore — Dickie maybe almost getting honey trapped, Karl annoying Oprah in Cabo. And what about Sylvia? She’s now forced to knock on screen doors as an A Current Affair reporter. As a side note, she doesn’t chase after people in the street enough on that show. This week on ACA, reporter Alex Bernhardt chased ScoMo’s alleged dodgy builder nephew down the street like a rottweiler. Tracy needs to crack the whip and make Sylvia run more or mail her back to Today.

Oh, the pangs of nostalgia.

That lady and the other girl who now host Today have probably never narrowly avoided being honey trapped.

Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir