Vanity Fair, we fixed that dumb article for you

AUSTRALIA was described as a country full of “throwback people” in a gobsmackingly patronising interview with Margot Robbie. We fixed it up.

Australia was described as a country full of ‘throwback people’ in a gobsmackingly patronising interview with Margot Robbie. Picture: Joel Ryan/Invision/AP

Dear Vanity Fair

About this.

The Margot Robbie cover. Picture: Patrick Demarchelier exclusively for Vanity Fair

And this.

‘Australia is America 50 years ago, sunny and slow, a throwback’.

We fixed it for you. You’re welcome.

Sincerely, Australia

The news.com.au version of the Vanity Fair cover.

Australia is so far gone, we have to go to America to find a boy next door.

In case you missed it, his name is Donald Trump.

He is 70 and beautiful, not in that otherworldly, catwalk way, but in the kind of way that makes you want to drown kittens.

He is strawberry blonde but malevolent at the roots. He is tall but only with the help of shining towers that he builds as monuments to his greatness.

He can be sexy and composed, even while firing reality TV wannabes, but only in character.

As I said, he is from America. To understand him, you should think about what that means. America is Australia 50 years ago, racist and bigoted, a throwback, which is why you go there for throwback people.

They still live and die with the plot turns of soap operas in the mansions of Kardashians and “Real Housewives”, still dwell in a single mass market called “MERICA”.

In the morning, they watch America’s Today Show.

In other words, it’s just like Australia, only without this guy.

When everyone here is awake, everyone there is asleep, which makes it a perfect perch for Americans to envy our multiculturalism, pine for our perfect climate — and ogle our actresses.

An ambitious American reality TV star-turned politician views his own country the way the Martians view Earth at the beginning of The War of the Worlds.

Which was Trump.

Offending and belittling and showing prejudice from afar as he waited for the perfect moment, he rode the perfect wave of hatred from Trump Tower in New York all the way to the proposed construction sites of ridiculous walls on the Mexican border. Here, he blows his face up to monstrous size in an effort to sell not simply one lie about drug-dealing, rapist immigrants, but a second monstrous fabrication — that he somehow will make America great again.