Deadline: The worst of Melbourne’s crooks, cops and celebs for 2023
Melbourne’s crooks, cops and celebrities aren’t afraid of getting down and dirty. And “bravo” we say, because their antics fill Deadline each week. Here’s the worst of their naughty behaviour for 2023. You’ve been warned.
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Melbourne’s crooks, cops, court crew and celebrities have never been afraid to get down and dirty.
“Bravo”, we say, because their naughty antics regularly provide morsels of low-rent copy to help fill up the Deadline column.
It’s been a bumper 12-months in the seedy side of life with everything from the skinny on a footy great’s jacuzzi sex session to an arrest which ended in a dildo downpour.
There’s been a jumpy burglar who left a “log” in his victims’ fireplace, a tycoon’s bed-busting sex session and one man’s laundromat tryst with a sweet potato.
January
NOW THAT’S CRACK COCAINE
Protecting our borders looks like interesting and important work if the TV shows filmed at the airport are anything to go by.
Every so often, though, those charged with such responsibility must wish they’d chosen some other career path.
There was such a case in January when an Australian Border Force examination of an Irish tourist’s luggage came up positive for traces of cocaine.
A scan was done on the visitor, showing some most unusual shapes inside of him, so he was taken into custody.
Next up was the waiting game, toilet roulette, with Australian Federal Police officers sitting tight for hours until the cargo dropped from the Paddy’s baggage chute.
After a good clean-up, it was found he had been holding onto plastic capsules which would normally encase delicious Kinder Surprise kiddy treats.
No chocolate on the inside, though. Just 120 grams of cocaine.
February
HOW’S THAT FOR PRE-SEASON FORM
One personal best you won’t be hearing about on any club websites is the AFL player who recently put in a big performance on a night out.
The player had been out with teammates for some morale-boosting sherbets when he decided to do some bonding of another kind.
He was caught in the toilets of the venue entertaining a new companion.
It was furrowed brows all round as the player and his female friend were ejected from the premises.
March
STAR’S PENTHOUSE CLUB DEBAUCHERY
What do you get when you mix a party-loving footy great, two friendly ladies and a jacuzzi?
Well, if you’ve got any sense, what you get are quality cleaning products for the tub.
Word has reached Deadline of one free-and-easy get-together in an opulent apartment complex hosted by a successful real estate agent.
The land rat owns a penthouse in the inner-city building and recently decided to hold a bit of a shindig with a few select individuals, one of them a footballer known for his abiding love of a good time.
The player did some socialising but soon spotted a couple of paid female guests relaxing in the bubbles and made a beeline to that area.
Now this bloke is not regarded as one of Melbourne’s great romantics so nobody who knows him would be too shocked at what we’re told happened next.
The footy ace — who has been in more than his share of hot water over the years — simply stripped off and posed a most crude question.
“Who wants to be first to f... the (rhyming nickname deleted)?”
A reliable source tells us one of the women answered in the affirmative and the new friends got straight down to business as other guests mingled.
Did somebody say White King?
April
BUM RAP FOR FIDDY CENT
You have to wonder about criminals sometimes.
A bloke who recently found himself kidnapped by other reprobates in country Victoria was forced to treat himself like a coin slot using a 50-cent piece. Just one of the reasons why wise people wash their hands after handling money.
May
THIEF HAD WOOD
The police pursuit of a timber thief in the western suburbs had a most unseemly climax last week.
The cops’ target was a bloke who took a stolen van and trailer to a Truganina construction site and started loading up all the timber he could get.
Being the outlaw type, he didn’t bother much with tying his cargo down properly, so bits and pieces fell off the trailer as he travelled through the suburbs.
Investigators from a Werribee police operation called Shows eventually tracked him to Deer Park where he was detained and his car searched, including the roof lining.
Now, while most of us would be concerned about what spiders might have set up home in there, other hazards were present.
As a policewoman opened the lining, a collection of hidden sex toys started falling on top of her.
“Apparently, it was raining dildos. Very nasty stuff,” said one police source, whose alleged concern was at odds with his chuckling.
June
RAUNCHY ROBERTA GETS RISQUE (AGAIN)
Age shall not weary Roberta Williams’s penchant for getting her gear off, although gravity can have a tendency to interfere with the naked human body.
The gangland widow has gamely posed up all over again, this time in a beaded bikini, in her latest revealing shoot aimed at attracting more eyeballs.
“Come sub to my OF (Only Fans). YOU WON’T BE DISAPPOINTED,” she promises in a cheeky teaser alongside the bikini pic.
By our calculations, it’s now 15 years since Williams first stripped off for the cameras with a photo spread in the late, lamented lads’ mag, Ralph.
Some readers might recall that Ralph went to the big magazine stand in the sky exactly 13 years ago in June 2010.
Ralph’s last issue featured one Clare Werbeloff wearing some flimsy lingerie. If that name sounds as vaguely familiar as, say, Helen D’Amico*, it’s because scallywag Clare made herself a seven-day internet wonder with her bogus “eyewitness” account of a shooting outside a Kings Cross nightclub in 2009.
Her delightfully politically incorrect description (to a delighted TV cameraman) punctuated with excellent DYI sound effects (“Chk-Chk, Boom!”) earned her the sobriquet of “Kings Cross Bogan.”
Sadly, it was too good to be true. An older and wiser Clare is now allegedly a speech therapist, and long ago conceded that “Chk-Chk, Boom!” was all a bit of an off-the-cuff joke. In what we call the streaker’s defence, it seemed a good idea at the time.
But we wish the widow Williams all the best with her courageous public battle against gravity. She has always conducted herself politely with Deadline. Which is just as well, because we noted the robust way she punched on with another female mourner at the funeral of her father-in-law George.
If the swimwear modelling doesn’t work out, she could try a prelim bout at the boxing. Promoters love novelty acts.
* Helen D’Amico was the streaker who embarrassed league football’s quietest, shyest and baldest man, Bruce Doull, in the 1982 Grand Final between Carlton and Richmond. Apparently, it seemed a good idea at the time.
June
CRAP IDEA HAS WHISKERS ON IT
Getting good grooming products can be something of an issue for residents of our state’s jails.
They can be prohibitively expensive and, occasionally, make the owner the target of standover work.
One inmate has overcome this problem with his own concoction of styling products, blended in a kind of unique homemade fashion.
He’s been using it to keep his moustache looking impeccable, a little after the manner of the BBC version of Hercule Poirot.
Unfortunately, it’s at the expense of any notion of good hygiene. You don’t really want to know what substances he mixes up.
JUST ONE SHEEP, YOUR HONOUR
Acclaimed novelist and writer of historical fiction Jock Serong used to be a city lawyer before he persuaded his family they’d all be better off living at Port Fairy where they could surf the Great Southern Ocean.
One of the stories he did not share on stage with the nice folk who attended the recent Woodend Winter Writers Festival was about doing a little criminal court work to make ends meet.
Naturally, Serong had his share of representing the bad, mad and the sad. But his most unusual courtroom victory, he admits sheepishly, was representing a man charged with bestiality with a farm animal.
Due to statute law which requires a high standard of proof regarding intent to commit bestiality, the accused walked free without much help from Serong, who wasn’t exactly falling over himself to identify with his client.
The man was pretty happy with himself until Magistrate Lance Pilgrim, an old-school country beak, said that while he was forced by law to direct the man’s acquittal, he was nonetheless convinced “something happened to that sheep.”
Serong is all for underdog but he didn’t rush to stand shoulder to shoulder with his client on the court steps.
NAKED BURGLAR’S CODE BROWN
There are a million stories in the naked city but the one about the naked burglar in need of toilet training will be aired when he faces a rather embarrassing court date.
The 40-year-old has been charged over a bizarre incident in which he allegedly broke into a Sunbury home, buck naked, on June 11.
He was chased away by an outraged male homeowner, allegedly after climbing into a couple’s comfy bed at 1.15am while in some kind of altered state, whether due to psychosis or drug use is not known at this point.
As if that wasn’t strange enough, those who lived at the property soon discovered their visitor had left behind a most unwelcome present: a brand new stool in the kitchen. But not of the wooden variety and definitely not one you’d want to sit on.
This is not exactly a rare type of incident. It is a fact of police life the world over that burglars evacuate their bowels at crime scenes rather too often.
Deadline once attended a court appearance in Warrnambool where the accused had left a “log” in the victim’s open fireplace while robbing the place.
Theories abound about the phenomenon.
There is one train of thought that intruders find the experience of entering another’s home causes excessive anxiety and stimulation.
Another is that it is some kind of disrespectful gesture aimed at their victim. Perhaps it’s a little of both.
Anyway, back to the adventures of the naked man at Sunbury.
Police say they don’t believe his alleged actions were sexually motivated. He will be getting a Magistrates’ Court summons at a later date, so he can tell it to the beak.
Maybe he should take a doggie doo bag.
July
PIG BROKE THE FIRM THEN THE BED
He was a prominent Melburnian who once fell foul of law enforcement but, frankly, was fortunate to evade jail after a judge became convinced it would be better that way.
He was also a man who loved a good time, though his bed-busting antics are not as well-known as his piggy habit of pawing waitresses and bar staff and others after a couple of bottles of red.
This bloke’s life ended only a few years ago so, in the interests of good taste and touchy relatives, it’s best not to name him.
Let’s just say our man was known for a lot of things but a sensible fitness regimen wasn’t one of them.
Regardless, he took to visiting a female personal trainer in the eastern suburbs regularly.
The true extent of their cardio work became clear only after one heavy-duty session when the trainer’s bed was reduced to a pile of splinters. At least he wasn’t a golf cheat, like one of his henchmen in business.
IT’S A POWDER KEG OUT THERE
We heard last week about attempts by a shadowy mob called The Commission to act as a de facto cocaine market regulator.
Like all good business people, the bad guys know that managing supply is the key to keeping prices high. We know they know this because they said exactly that in an ominous bulletin.
The missive, distributed to top-level dealers, threatened all sorts of reprisals for those who sold coke without their endorsement.
Whatever the cost, there appeared to be no shortage of the white stuff at a recent shindig packed with famous faces.
Nor were there any surprises about the identities of the former top sportsmen spending some caring, sharing time in the dunny.
One well-known face was up to his other old tricks, getting very hands-on with the wife of a fellow reveller.
It’s odds on that if he keeps that up, someone will glass him some day, that being the language he understands.
RECORD OF TRANSACTION
Word finally reaches us of some olden days shenanigans in a major union over the issue of phone misuse, which makes a change from the usual credit card rorts.
We’re told that representatives on a trip overseas for onerous employment-related duties were accused of using their work phones to arrange visits from local sex workers of fluid gender status.
An impeccable source instructs us that the blokes concerned were pulled in over the issue on their return but were able to reach a settlement with management.
“I believe the investigation was a nil-all draw after the targets threatened to expose their adversaries’ own peccadillos,” our spy says.
A good, old-fashioned Mexican stand-off.
POO TRUCKERS UNLOAD AT DOCKS
A major Deadline investigation can reveal serious wrongdoing on our wharves, but it’s not related to drug importations or ghosting rackets.
This matter was far more serious. It seems phantom defecators had gone rogue, defiling the roadway around Swanston Dock.
“Mocking birds” were twice found recently on MacKenzie Rd, dropped quietly and quickly between parked cars.
Any port in a storm, as they say. But a portaloo would be better.
Authorities rightly made it a matter of urgency and launched an inquiry in which CCTV emerged as a powerful stool-detection tool.
As with the AFL’s ARC, a panel of adjudicators reviewed the evidence and identified two truck-driving offenders getting down and dirty.
The word from those in the know is that the pair have been hauled in and given a good kick up the backside for their crimes.
As one observer remarked last week, log (book) breaches are a genuine problem plaguing the transport industry but this was a new low.
Speaking of such depravity, there’s bad news for those who like to take the stairs at Southbank’s Eureka car park. Its resident polluter, or an imitator, recently returned to his favourite squat with devastating effect.
August
SUSPICIOUS MINDS
It seems there will be no police inquiry into the recent AFL footballer nude pics kerfuffle because the victims don’t want the matter taken further.
Two months on from the drama, Victoria Police has received no complaint about images purportedly showing intimate images of some of the game’s biggest names.
It turns out one league figure whose name (and possibly other things) came up in the pictures was not having his first unpleasant brush with social media.
Some time ago, this smoothie became involved with a woman who already had a man in her life, someone who was not the kind to be trifled with.
The boyfriend, obviously the curious type, did some detective work on her online activity and found some fairly raunchy exchanges with the footballer, one involving a rendezvous in a car out front of his house.
Things turned sour when the injured party started distributing the material all around town.
The footballer was probably fortunate that was all that happened and that his handsome profile wasn’t rearranged.
Meanwhile, there has been much speculation about the validity of the images of the 45 players at the centre of the recent scandal.
One theory going around is that the images are deep fakes of the kind used against celebrities worldwide.
If that’s the case, it might have been expected that more of the people falsely depicted in such a defamatory manner would want action to bring the perpetrators to justice. Odd, that.
DEVIANT’S SWEET SURRENDER
Question: What do you get when you combine a sweet potato, porn mags, a bottle of lubricant and an UP&GO protein energy drink?
Answer: A dirty story that is terribly difficult to explain, even allowing for Deadline’s broad-minded readership.
We’ll try to clean things up by saying a bloke arrived at an eastern suburbs business last week with all of the above items.
He seemed intent on boosting his vegetable intake but missed his mouth.
Multiple sources speaking to this masthead under condition of anonymity because they are not authorised to speak publicly (phew!) said it wasn’t long before he corrected the mistake and started eating the sweet potato.
At least we can say he’s a bloke with taste in some areas.
His pornos were hidden inside a copy of the Herald Sun.
It’s unclear where the UP&GO fits in.
LAYING THE FAVOURITE
The bust on an illegal casino at Truganina has disrupted some big Thursday nights on the punt.
The well-equipped gambling den had an $8000 minimum buy-in and everyone from alleged organised crime figures to a foreign politician had been in on the giggle.
If the punt wasn’t enough, there appear to have been other ways to blow your money.
Sources say sex workers have also been providing entertainment and that a bed upstairs from the tables appeared to have been getting a solid workout.
October
BACKDOOR DEALS?
Police continue to investigate the shooting of a Bandido bikie a couple of weeks back.
It is suggested by some that the victim was wounded amid ructions over control of the gang’s Ballarat clubhouse.
Deadline didn’t think too much about the unusually named company which took over the site in March, until met with sniggers when we spelled it out to a police source.
It is called Ann US Drilling.
We suggest it not be Googled from a work device.
STICK AND BERRIES AND ALL
Those who work at Victoria Police’s fancy Spencer St headquarters see all sorts of unusual things in the course of the daily grind.
It comes with the territory, so to speak. But they got more than they bargained for last week, copping an eyeful of full frontal.
Parading around in a swank apartment balcony opposite for an extended period was a naked resident who didn’t care what the law saw as he tried to take advantage of some warm spring weather and catch some rays.
“It was the full stick and berries,” our source reports.
November
GANGLAND PHWOAARRRR!
Wanna buy a piece of TV gangland-soft porn history?
Anyone willing to stump up big dough can move into the mansion used as Mark Moran’s home in the original Underbelly series.
Anyone wanting to pay the asking price primarily for that reason would have to be quite a fan of the Channel 9 show of which one sly critic noted: “They seem to think it’s illegal to have sex in the missionary position.”
Missionaries are among those unlikely to afford “Rosina”, in Ardmillan St, Moonee Ponds, which is commanding an estimated selling price of between $7.8 million and $8.5 million.
It was where some racy scenes involving Callan Mulvey as Moran and Madeleine West as Danielle McGuire were filmed for the 2008 production.
In one of them, Mulvey spanked the bottom of a lingerie-clad West.
Deadline cannot confirm whether such corporal punishment was one of the real-life Moran’s predilections before his murder in 2000 at Aberfeldie back when he was described as a suburban footballer and former pastry chef.
Anyway, back to the 16-room house which is described as one of the area’s finest Italianate mansions.
The Nelson Alexander Real Estate website says it is on 1455 square metres of land a short stroll from private schools and Moonee Ponds railway station.
THANKS BUT NO THANKS
Not much gets past Deadline’s South Melbourne spy, who is particularly attentive to goings-on around the Gotham City brothel in that part of the naked city.
Of late, he has noticed an unusual number of apparently discarded Gotham City caps in the vicinity of the Clarke St joint.
His theory is that visitors to the Batman-themed business are being given a complimentary cap with each service.
So, why are the caps being found strewn around?
Our source thinks it’s because blokes — and we assume most customers are male — might be a little shy about strutting around in merchandise indicating they’ve been at a brothel.
It’s certainly difficult to imagine any sane married geezer wearing one as he arrives home after a hard day on the tools.
Imagine what the kids might shout, in all innocence: “Look mum, dad’s been to Gotham City to see Batman and Robin!”
It would go down like a Polly Waffle in a swimming pool.
Workers who visit Gotham to relieve work worries during their lunch break could be in the same boat, reluctant to return to the office advertising their stress management tactics.
It isn’t the first time Gotham City has made its mark on the local community.
A couple of years ago, one of Deadline’s best-read items concerned mattresses which turned up in a street near the brothel in question. They looked like some kind of Jackson Pollock art installation created from various bodily fluids.
Judging by their condition, the mattresses had given sterling service until management decided they’d done quite enough hard day’s nights and arranged a hard-rubbish collection between shifts.
It has also been noted recently that Gotham City now promotes itself as an eight-star brothel.
That’s up from the previous six-star rating, and makes it sound as if they’re flogging energy-efficient fridges.
By the way, if anyone knows who hands out the brothel ratings stars, could they please let Deadline into the secret.
We know it can’t be the notorious old gun dealer, George Joseph, who moonlighted as a Miss Nude Australia judge for years after he gave up flogging pistols to crooks. George died last year, remarkably enough of old age.
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