Deadline: Mattresses discharged from duty

A collection of heavily used mattresses on the pavement is an unusual sight in Melbourne. Less so when they’re piled nearby a well-known brothel.

The used mattresses stacked up outside Gotham City.

Andrew Rule and Mark Buttler with the latest crime buzz.

IF MATTRESSES COULD TALK

One of Deadline’s sharpest spies was loitering in South Melbourne last week when he came across a most unusual sight in Ross St.

Mattresses which appeared to have been put to heavy use over some time were piled up on the pavement for all to see.

It was then that our man — who insists on being known only as Captain Ooze — twigged that he was around the corner from the Gotham City brothel.

He said the thrust of the situation appeared to be that the business was turning over some of its fleet.

“That’s what I call hard rubbish. If those mattresses could talk, you’d be there all day listening,” he suggested.

Images from inside Gotham City. Picture: Supplied

The mattress sighting caused much mirth in the area, especially when one local influencer had the spunk to have himself photographed lying on the bedding.

Brothels are, of course, the source of humour in police and media circles.

It seems like only yesterday that a vivacious and curvaceous Herald Sun columnist took up her notebook and pen and attended the vicinity of the Daily Planet brothel in Elsternwick, chasing the story of the day.

Imagine our reporter’s bemused reaction when a young policeman asked innocently if she was working for the Daily Planet. It didn’t happen like that for Lois Lane.

WHEN THE GOING GOT TOUGH

Not everyone who does important work for Victoria Police wears a uniform or a sharp suit.

Missing persons squad detectives recently visited the Wollert Landfill to put on lunch in recognition of the selfless efforts of people from the Grosvenor Lodge and Hanson companies.

Kelly Zhang. Picture: Supplied

They had been instrumental back in June in recovering the remains of young Epping mum Kelly Zhang, which were somewhere amid mountains of waste at the landfill.

It was a painstaking process involving much work using available data to pinpoint the location of the missing woman’s remains.

Then came the tricky job of retrieving them as delicately as possible.

Investigators have no doubt that they would never have found Ms Zhang without the efforts of those from Hanson and Grosvenor Lodge.

It was important work from two standpoints: finding her body was a major breakthrough for their investigation, and they were desperate to return Ms Zhang’s remains to her family.

The 33-year-old vanished on February 1 this year. Her former boyfriend Joon Seong Tan, 35, was later charged with murder.

Police at the Wollert Landfill in June. Picture: Luis Ascui

BART ART STARS AT THE ’RAT

Taking a drive to Ballarat one day recently felt a bit like a trip through Springfield.

On the Western Highway were two abandoned cars with the words “El Barto” sprayed on their duco.

Fans of The Simpsons will recognise this immediately as the graffiti tag of the delinquent Bart Simpson.

BART RATS STAR AT THE BAR

Some stories are often told but never get old. Such as the one concerning two rascally former amateur footballers, told this time at the annual sportsmen’s lunch hosted at the Emerald Hotel last Friday by top doc (and one time “ammo” champ) Simon “Harry” Costello.

The pair, both law students, were in a representative team which travelled to Canberra late last century. By bedtime on the Saturday night the other players were safely tucked up in their hotel beds but these two had gone missing.

The anxious and angry team manager called around the hospitals to see if they had turned up injured. Eventually he called Canberra police and spoke to a sleepy sergeant who, when told the missing player’s names, said no one of those names was in custody.

The only two recent arrests, he said, were two young men picked up after an altercation … who’d given their names as “Bart Cummings” and “Tom Smith.”

The real Bart Cummings. Picture: Nicole Garmston

“That might be them,” said the team manager through gritted teeth.

Among their other vices, such as public drunkenness and fighting, the culprits were desperate punters and reputedly still are.

It’s no surprise that both these scallywags ended up appearing in court with monotonous regularity. That’s because they moved on from the bar to the Bar and are now judges, wigs and all.

There is no justice.

OH, WHAT A FEELING

Toyotas are very reliable vehicles but not infallible, as a teenage thief from Melbourne’s wild west found out last week.

Our hero was using a stolen blue sedan to embark on a minor crime spree in which a house was robbed and a jogger was threatened in order to steal his phone.

The 19-year-old decided to hit the West Gate Freeway in peak-hour morning traffic but the plan came unstuck when the Toyota broke down.

Enraged commuters were the least of his worries, as a dog squad unit pounced and arrested him on the spot.