Lauren Novak: #Notallmen isn’t a good enough argument

OF course not all men are violent or abusive. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t fight the actions of #thosemen with all of the might and power that we have, writes Lauren Novak.

OF course it’s not all men.

It’s not my Dad. It’s not my partner. It’s not our Premier nor my editor. These are men who respect the women in their lives.

But in the face of women daring to make noise about the men who don’t respect them — who in fact berate, beat and kill women — there has sprung the defence of #notallmen.

Of course not all men are violent or abusive. Not even a majority. But as far as I’m concerned, you don’t get a medal just for being a decent bloke.

You also don’t get a front-page story written to praise your decency. Instead that space is increasingly, and rightly, being dedicated to shaming the actions of #thosemen.

Just this month, those men have shot children dead in their bedroom in Sydney, allegedly set their spouse alight in Melbourne and violently slashed a woman in an Adelaide public toilet.

We’re also talking about those men who let their frustrations and resentments fester until they burst out. Those men who leer, sneer and snark in deliberate bids to make women feel small or scared.

There have been a few men like that in my life — thankfully on the periphery. Most women could say the same.

If you’re a bloke reading this you might cry: “I’m not one of those men”. Well, good on you. But they do exist.

They don’t represent all men. But there are still too many of them.

A recent report released by the South Australian Coroner’s office puts this reality in black and white.

A 19-year-old man has been charged with the murder of Qi Yu. (Pic: NSW Police Facebook)

It analysed 152 murders committed between 2010 and 2014 in which the killer and victim were in an intimate or family relationship.

In 121 of those cases a man killed his female partner. To be clear; that’s 79 per cent.

In 28 cases a woman killed her male spouse and in three incidents a gay man murdered his partner.

Aha, so its #notallmen, I hear you cry!

Yes, some women are perpetrators too. But.

The report found 17 of the 28 women who killed their spouse or boyfriend endured abuse from the man they murdered.

In another five cases, both the man and woman had been abusive.

As the report authors put it: “The majority of females that killed a current, or former, male intimate partner were the primary domestic violence victim in the relationship”.

So while #notallmen are violent or abusive, almost all women who experience violence or abuse are victimised by a man.

And yes, there are male victims whose cases are individually as devastating and important as any other. Teenager Jack Edwards was shot dead by his father in Sydney last week, alongside his sister Jennifer. Men who survive family violence should be heard and supported to come forward.

Jack Edwards was shot dead by his father in Sydney last week, alongside his sister Jennifer. (Pic: AAP/Supplied)

Generally, men are more likely to be randomly attacked by a man they don’t know.

But it is women who are more likely to fear the threat a stranger poses — just like that women in a suburban toilet block must have felt before she was attacked. The deaths of Eurydice Dixon and Jill Meagher cemented these fears.

But we must remain focused on why this national discussion we’re having began: too many women are dying at the hands of men they know, intimately. And so many more men fill the role of abuser than victim.

As we get to the bottom of why that is, and how to address it, the conversation is going to get even more uncomfortable for #somemen.

Earlier this week, commentator Andrew Bolt suggested that “stoicism is what we still expect from men, right? To just stay strong and endure”.

No, actually, it’s not. And this outdated belief can contribute to the choice by #thosemen to use violence.

I saw this first-hand sitting in a room full of male offenders labouring through a behaviour change course. All confided that they were raised to keep their feelings to themselves while observing a so-called ‘role model’ father abuse his wife and kids.

Far better for those men to open up about their trauma than to perpetuate it because they feel they must be “strong”.

We must remain focused on why this national discussion we’re having began — victims of male violence such as Jill Meagher. (Pic: AFP / ABC)

Initiatives such as Men’s Health Week, Movember and the SMS4Dads campaign all encourage that. There is no longer any excuse for #thosemen.

It just cannot be argued that men who shoot their children, or allegedly stab and set their partner alight or shove the dead body of a 16-year-old girl into a barrel after allegedly killing her — all incidents to have occurred in Australia recently, remember — have respect for anyone in their lives, let alone the women.

For those of you who don’t share the alarming attitudes that lead to these horrific ends, rather than feeling demonised and lumped in with those men feel proud that you’re not one of them.

Feel even prouder if you’re a bloke going beyond decency to actively combat disrespect or violence towards women — your wife, sister, mother or a woman walking down the street in front of you.

And if you feel bound by some outdated notion that as a bloke you’re required to “save” those women, as Andrew Bolt also suggested, perhaps focus on how your decent everyday behaviour can help “save” women you know from being harassed at work by one of #thosemen, accosted in a public place by one of #thosemen or losing a child to the cowardly act of one of #thosemen.

We’re all in this together fellas.

Lauren Novak is a Political Reporter for the Adelaide Advertiser.

Originally published as Lauren Novak: #Notallmen isn’t a good enough argument