To #notallmen: will you please get over yourselves?

Dear #notallmen: We know you think domestic violence campaigns tar all men with the same “violent” brush. But when you complain about how you feel you belittle the REAL victims.

RendezView. Hey you! Furious young bearded man pointing you and shouting while standing against grey background. Angry man. Angry men.

Dear #notallmen: Please cease reminding us that not all men are violent. No one is suggesting you are.

We know you think the campaign against domestic violence tars all men with the same “violent” brush and depicts you all as harmful creatures. We know this because many of you would rather talk about your feelings about the campaign than the problem itself. Here is the thing: When you complain about how you feel about the campaign — you stop listening to the real issue and you belittle the feelings of the REAL victims.

And this behaviour creates another problem: A woman cannot comment on the domestic violence crisis without some form of aggression hurled her way. (I’d say “oh the irony” but irony by definition includes wit — and there is nothing witty about using abusive tactics to try to stop a conversation ABOUT abuse).

So before you go jumping on your keyboards to remind us that women also hurt men, know this: We get it. We know. Some women hurt men or abuse men in most every way a man can abuse a woman. And we do not like it and don’t particularly like being reminded of this cold, hard fact. But it has to be aired. So we don’t derail a conversation about it and make it about how #notallwomen are violent. Or dispute the numbers. Because that is putting our feelings of how women might be perceived above the feelings of the men who have had genuinely suffered.

And that is poor form.

Neither a man nor a woman should expect a star on their chart for not being violent or abusive. Or expect, because of this “star”, they should not have to be reminded that we have a significant problem.

We do.

And it is a problem we must face and fix together.

So we accept that women can be violent and abusive too, but this does not change the indisputable fact that the primary offenders of domestic violence — across the globe and here in Australia — are men. The campaign targets the primary offenders — just in the way advertisements target primary purchasers and consumers.

I dare say if you really want to be known as a good guy, your agitation with men as the target group for our campaign against domestic violence should pale into insignificance against the genuine pain, agony and despair behind the statistics.

So instead of being offended every time an article or a campaign targeting men as the primary offenders comes your way — we ask that you spare a thought for the primary victims. Or spare a thought for the global prevalence figures from the World Health Organisation that indicate about 1 in 3 (35 per cent) of women worldwide have experienced either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence in their lifetime. Remind yourself that globally as many as 38 per cent of murders of women are committed by an intimate partner.

And then compare your irritation with this reality.

Until we live in a world where 0 out of 3 women experience physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence in their lifetime, the campaign targeting men as the primary (but not the only) offenders will carry on.

It will, and it must.

And if you don’t like it, do something about it. Get involved. Become an advocate. Work with those at risk. But please for the love of all that is decent and fair stop making this about YOUR FEELINGS as a civilised human being — and make it about acknowledging the VICTIMS’ FEELINGS AND RIGHTS — whatever gender they may be.

The campaign against domestic violence does not seek to demonise men; it aims TO SAVE LIVES and to educate would-be or have-been offenders. It seeks to protect innocent children and people who are in harm’s way.

It may not be perfect — but it is better than pretending the problem does not exist.

And no one should have to apologise for that.

Originally published as To #notallmen: will you please get over yourselves?