Where have all the good men gone? Why dating is a nightmare right now

Single and ready to mingle? If you’re a straight woman you’re entering a nightmare zone as more men opt to stay at home.

An unofficial man drought is parching Australia, with eligible women finding themselves at a loss for companionship despite the apparently saturated man market.

A dating event for heterosexual over-35s hosted several weeks ago in the suburbs of Melbourne was attended only by women.

Bumble resident sexologist Chantelle Otten said there were “several factors” as to why men could be less likely to attend dating events such as those.

“There seem to be societal expectations that often place a lot of pressure on men to achieve a certain level of financial or professional success before they feel ‘ready’ to date,” Ms Otten said.

“This can lead to hesitation in putting themselves out there if they feel they don’t measure up.

“There’s also the fear of rejection or past negative experiences that might make some men – but really everyone – more cautious about attending in-person events.

“The anonymity and low-risk nature of online dating can feel safer and less daunting, which might explain why some men prefer those platforms over attending live events.”

Chantelle Otten said the problem could be because there is pressure on men to present a certain way when dating. Picture: Gaye Gerard

Yet in a world promising plenty of fish in the sea, many women are observing a lack of willingness from blokes to break out of their comfort zones when it comes to dating.

Georgia Smith is one such woman.

She is in her 20s and, by all societal standards, highly eligible, but Ms Smith said the dating pool was a “nightmare”.

“It’s a cesspit out there — I think a lot of women are getting fed up with having to do all of the emotional and mental labour in dating,” she said.

“I consistently put myself out there to meet people, but the kind of energy I put into building connections with men is so rarely reciprocal and it’s very disheartening.

“I think the obsession with the ‘situationship’ is the worst. What men are saying when they suggest that is they want all of the perks of having a girlfriend, but without a label – so therefore feel justified if they want to see other people without telling you.”

Ms Smith said she felt despaired by Melbourne’s dating scene but did not know what she could do differently.

“I feel like I’m doing all I can,” she said.

“Maybe what we need is a whole cultural shift, but really I just wish men would put more effort in.”

Ms Smith said she was ‘despairing’ of the city’s dating scene. Picture: Gaye Gerard

Ms Otten said encouraging people to put themselves out there “could be tricky”, but it was best to “start small and take baby steps”.

“Joining a new hobby group or attending a social event without the added pressure of the dating scene can help to build confidence in similar settings and situations, without feeling overwhelmed,” she said.

“Embracing slower dating and taking your time getting to know someone can make you more comfortable and lead to fulfilling, lasting relationships.

“I encourage people to seek out success stories to hear and engage with how others have found meaningful connections while trying something new themselves.”

For the over-35 age bracket, Ms Otten said there were plenty of great ways to meet a potential partner and she urged people to be courageous in stepping out of their comfort zone.

“Get more involved in things that you love, like fitness classes, hobbies, parties, cultural events.

“These can be fantastic ways to meet new people, especially if you go with friends who will bring other friends along.

“You can also try group dates or double dating with friends, it’s a fun and low-pressure way to expand your social circle.”

Bumble’s resident sexologist Chantelle Otten said there were many ways to meet people outside of dating apps. Picture: Jason Edwards

On the other end of the spectrum, those dealing with fatigue and burnout from the dating scene are jumping on board a trend coined as going “boy-sober”.

Ms Otten said the trend was about “taking an intentional dating cleanse, ceasing dating in any form and taking a break from men to focus on (themselves)”.

“This movement stems from a societal shift towards slower and more intentional dating, whereby people are choosing to get caught up in themselves rather than getting caught up in the dating game,” she said.

“We’re seeing women take a step back and reflect on their wants and needs in dating and focusing on enriching other parts of their lives, such as nurturing their relationships with family and friends and focusing more energy on their career, hobbies and interests.

“The trend aligns with a broader societal emphasis on mental health, resonating with many as they begin to prioritise self care and themselves.”

Research from Bumble also revealed more than one in three women were seeking partners who practised and valued self-care, as well as 44 per cent of Aussies opting to focus on the quality of their dates rather than the quantity.