Mitchell Toy recap: Bloodbath at Winterfell for Game of Thrones faithful

If you want blood, episode three of Game of Thrones delivers a battlefield bathed in the red stuff. Who lives? Who dies? What does it all mean? WARNING: SPOILER ALERT

*SPOILERS AHEAD*

After last week’s siesta episode that promised big things in the battle against the dead, the audience is dished up guts almost right from the appearance of the MA15+ Strong Violence warning at the start of episode three.

In a hackfest that ties off one of the biggest plot points of the whole series without killing as many people as expected, the road is now paved south where the living will get back to business fighting the living.

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DIE, CORPSES

The dead are finally marching on Winterfell and every pair of hands has a dragonglass dagger.

The troops are mustered and the catapults are primed.

Jon and Dany, who seem to be the couple for whom the Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated” was invented, watch from afar on dragons.

In an act of magic that boosts morale like a Palmer preference deal to Liberal Party members everywhere, the Red Lady Melisandre emerges from the darkness, prophesies her own death before dawn, and blazes up the Dothraki swords with a prayer.

Jon Snow on the battle field. Picture: Supplied/ Foxtel

It doesn’t help much when they charge screaming into the snow and the lights are gradually extinguished by an undead enemy still unseen.

When the action heats up, the unsullied take the front line and get mostly mowed down by the insatiable army of the dead, helped only by dragon flame and, while the dragons are dogfighting against their undead sibling, the trench of flame lit by the Red Lady.

But those bastard walkers have thought of everything.

After a few corpses lie across the trench to make a bridge for the others, the retreating living forces are holed up in Winterfell per se and the corpses, some of which are bare skeletons who’ve had great success on the ketogenic diet, start scaling the walls.

Sam almost dies on three occasions while Jaime and Brienne seem to save each other half a dozen times.

Down in the crypt, Sansa gets the cold shoulder from a few of the other hiders but justifies her self preservation as “the most heroic thing we can do now”.

Sure.

NOT TODAY

Like a city worker to a charity mugger, Arya Stark has always said “Not today” to death.

After slaying the dead by the dozen on the Winterfell walls and creeping around the stonewalled chambers like it’s 3am in Craigieburn and she’s heard a noise in the kitchen, she regroups with the Red Lady in the hall where she’s reminded of her maxim.

Meanwhile at the tree, Bran is reminding everyone why you’d only go to the pub with him if you needed him on your trivia team.

Arya Stark in full flight. Picture: Supplied/ Foxtel

Sitting in the centre of a human barricade including Theon Greyjoy, he dodges conversation like an awkward colleague in the lift by flipping his eyes white and following the ravens over the enemy lines.

But the dead are coming.

The lines get shakier, the corpses keep pouring through and, after Jon Snow falls off his dragon and gets ready to confront the Night King on the ground, he lifts his hands and has the dead on their feet faster than Bohemian Rhapsody at a 21st.

Winterfell is now seething with the reanimated bodies of the fallen as the zombie dragon goes full Notre Dame on the main structure and the heroes seem enveloped.

Theon, who gets a rare word of thanks from Bran, completes his redemption by charging the Night King as he appears in the garden, only to get run through an killed. What is dead may never die, bucko.

He’s baaaaaack! Picture: Supplied/ Foxtel

Jon Snow struggles to slip past the dead dragon as the Night King sidles up to Bran.

Like somebody you’ve had on Facebook for years who you eventually meet in person, Bran and old mate already seem to know each other.

Death incarnate draws his sword, but is stopped by Arya, who lunges at him and is seized by the throat.

Her Valerian steel dagger, which has killed such creeps as Littlefinger, falls into her hand and she stabs that bastard Night King right in the side.

The army of the dead, like an Arbonne sales scheme, crumbles in front of the Winterfell survivors, and Arya doesn’t get a peep of thanks from her brother Bran for saving not only him but all the living in Westeros.

Not today, I guess.

FRIENDZONE ENDZONE

The haze clears on one hell of an insurance claim for the Stark clan as Ser Jorah, the Dany devotee dubbed Knight of the Friendzone, who survived grayscale and withering turn-downs from his queen, dies in the arms of his beloved after a final stand.

Survivors also include pretty much everyone important except the aforementioned and a couple of no-names in the crypt.

Pint-sized lioness Lyanna Mormont is crushed by the undead giant, in whose eye she sticks a dragonglass dagger. After a brief reanimation we can now count her as dead.

Beric Dondarrion, the eyepatch-and-fame-sword fellow who the Red Lady brought back a few times, is also assumed dead after copping it in the hall, and his family can finally claim that life insurance.

Beric means business but does not fare well. Picture: Supplied/ Foxtel

Edd Tollet, whose name autocorrects to Add Toilet and who has been playing a minor role in the Nights Watch for yonks, was the first to get run through on the battle field.

It’s unclear how Jaime, Brienne, Sam, Greyworm, The Hound and others have fared after their heroics outside the walls.

Varys was hiding in the crypt like a lost kid in Kmart while Sansa and Tyrion were getting ready to face death, so we can assume he’s just fine.

Sansa and Tyrion themselves are OK after sharing a renewed spiritual intimacy in their darkest moments.

Melisandre the Red Lady, whose series-long exploits have involved bending the ear of Stannis Baratheon, birthing a demon baby for the purpose of a professional hit and bringing Jon Snow back to life, abandons her magic and wanders off into the snow where her body withers with age and she dies.

This is witnessed by Davos Seaworthy the smuggler, who at this stage has to be the Sportsbet favourite to take the throne due to lack of living competition.

The stage is now set for Jon Snow and Danaerys Targaryen to ally against Cersei Lannister and the Greyly navy, before sorting out between themselves who should really take the throne.

The Night King’s blue steel days are over.

Mitchell Toy is a Melbourne artist and writer.