Mitchell Toy reviews the first episode of the final Game of Thrones season
Everyone’s bunking at Winterfell, and the Dothraki feel like they should have brought an extra jumper. Game of Thrones is back, and Mitchell Toy is here to recap episode one.
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SPOILERS BELOW: Everyone’s in Winterfell. It’s like school holidays at Buller.
Sansa and Arya were already there, having sliced open Littlefinger late in the last season.
Now Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen, ensconced in their unknowingly incestuous romance, ride in side-by-side, leading an enormous army of unsullied and Dothraki, all of whom feel like they should have brought an extra jumper.
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The Hound, Varys the spider, Tyrion the Hand of the Queen — everyone’s bunking in Winterfell to get ready for the battle against the Night King’s army of the dead.
Despite what must be a huge boon for local Airbnb hosts, the northerners are suspicious of outsiders, but agree to calm down when the two dragons arrive.
Two, because the third was zombified by the Night King up beyond the wall, where there is now nothing but death, ice and the odd Clive Palmer billboard.
Things are frosty at Winterfell, all right.
Sansa, Lady of Winterfell, and Deanerys don’t really take to each other and the northern houses are angry at Jon for bending the knee to a southern queen. If only they knew what they got up to on that boat ride last season.
Bran, having spent the past few seasons licking tree sap and going mad, freaks everyone out with his third-eye ramblings.
And wait, get some extra towels ready because the Lannister army is marching north to fight the dead as well.
The northerners aren’t thrilled about that because of seasons one to seven, but everyone will have to learn to fight together, or they’ll be fighting together in corpse form for old blue eyes.
EURON MY NERVES, GREYJOY
Back at King’s Landing, Euron Greyjoy of salt throne fame is back to put the moves on Cersei, who is still Queen.
He didn’t bring any elephants or even a box of Cadbury favourites but he has his niece Yara, sister of Theon, captive in his ship after taking her prisoner last season.
Euron’s intentions were pretty obvious even before he dropped a very strong hint to Yara: “I’m going to f--- the Queen”.
And that’s about as romantic as he gets.
After a negotiation in the hall Cersei, still guarded by the Mountain who seems like a corpse in armour, agrees to go to bed with Euron, who she had previously promised to marry once the war is over.
She’d usually be sleeping with her brother Jaime, to whom she is now pregnant again, but he’s marching north.
Meanwhile Theon and his men storm Euron’s ship — cleaving some foreheads with arrows — and free Yara.
She’s not immediately pleased to see him since, during the naval battle last season, he went into full Reek mode and jumped overboard, leaving Yara to her fate.
But they reconcile and Yara gives the all-clear for Theon to fire up Trivago, go north and join the big army of the living.
As for Bronn, the vagabond mate to anyone with a buck, he’s enjoying the services of some hookers in King’s Landing as the audience is reminded why Showcase recommends the use of the parental lock system.
The Hand of Cersei comes to him with a crossbow, similar to the one used by Tyrion to kill his father on the dunny, with a promise that Cersei would pay well if the treasonous Lannister were to be killed. Underbelly: Westeros.
SO HOT IT’D MELT THE WALL
Winterfell is like analog Tinder.
And nothing gets hotter than this flirtatious exchange, and a hint at a blossoming romance, between Arya and Gendry the blacksmith.
“You look good.”
“Thanks. So do you.”
Meanwhile Dany and Jon are riding dragons in a playful love scene, the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Aladdin and Jasmine rode the magic carpet.
They arrive at a waterfall and have a lovely kiss under the murderous glare of the dragons.
But things get heavy when Bran, no longer known for his sense of humour, pressures Sam Tarly, who has also found a rare motel vacancy in Winterfell, to tell Jon Snow about his true parentage.
Tarly’s dad and brother were killed by Danaerys — executed by dragon vaporisation, no less — and that’s the sort of thing known to cause a bit of tension.
Still, Sam’s a long-time fan of Jon, who he finds in the Stark crypt and tells him the truth.
As it slowly dawns on Jon that he’s the heir to the throne of the Seven Kingdoms who’s been sleeping with his aunt, we’re left unsure exactly how he’ll deal with it.
It’s the sort of discussion perhaps best left until after the Night King is defeated.
WHITE WALKER INTERIOR DECOR SUCKS
Over-keen Wildling redhead Tormund Giantsbane and the boys up at East Watch have survived the fall of the wall, blasted apart by the zombie dragon.
Now they’re creeping through the tunnels jumping at shadows and expecting to flame a corpse at any moment.
They find a little surprise left by old mate the Night King: a dead child speared against a wall with dismembered limbs spread in a pattern around him.
What a commitment to aesthetics those undead bastards have.
The kid, of course, reanimates and screams as he is burnt into eternal silence.
Game of Thrones is back, if you hadn’t noticed.
The episode finishes with another reunion as Jaime Lannister, sister banger and king slayer, sheepishly rides into Winterfell like a Carlton supporter on a Monday and locks eyes with Bran.
Jaime’s now got one fewer hands and Bran’s mind is fried by prophecies and he never says please or thank you anymore, but everyone remembers the good old days in S1 E1 when Bran spotted Jaime having sex with his sister in the tower and was pushed off to become a cripple.
Winterfell, the booked-out capital of the north, is now the sort of volatile hotpot from which any kind of murderous plot could emerge.
Originally published as Mitchell Toy reviews the first episode of the final Game of Thrones season
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