How to dress for a visit to the Magistrates’ Court

Whether you shop at Target or there’s a target on your back, you deserve to look and feel your best when arriving at court. Here’s some stylish looks that will impress any magistrate.

Always look your best if attending court.

While you may walk towards an unsure verdict, there’s no need to be unsure about your style.

Whether you shop at Target or there’s a target on your back, you deserve to look and feel your best.

Learn how the strut the bratwalk at the Magistrate’s Court with style tips from some of the city’s most fashion-conscious attendees.

FULL LEATHER JACKET

From James Dean to Malcolm Turnbull, the leather jacket has long been the accessory of doomed popular figures.

Trust in the jacket.

Just like James Dean.

Doesn’t quite fit? You tell him.

Whether it is dressed up with a crisp white shirt and slacks or dressed down with a sawn-off shotgun and a bag of meth, the leather jacket will be your closest, most loyal friend.

And won’t inform on you like your lawyer.

Make sure it’s one or two sizes too small and see if the shop assistant argues.

Bet they won’t!

TRACKIE DACKS

It doesn’t matter whether you’re running errands, coming from the gym or working up a sweat smashing chairs in an interview room, the full trackie is a sure winner.

Soft, loose and fantastic for concealing just about anything, you’ll never allegedly kidnap or extort in anything more comfortable.

Get enough attention and you might attract some sponsorship dollars from a major brand that is keen to pay you not to ever wear their clothes again.

THE CANDY MAN

Life’s too short not to enjoy yourself.

It’s also too long to spend in prison, so do your best to get community service while you’re wowing the judge with suit that looks like you’re selling bubblegum.

You’ll never walk alone while there’s actors looking for work.

Avoid the awkwardness of showing up in the same outfit as a friend by paying an entourage of actors to wear black suits and escort you into court from a hired limo.

Avoid calls from Alan Jones, who’ll probably accuse you of style imitation.

FAST AND INJURIOUS

If anyone ever tells you a bleached mullet can’t be fabulous, they’re lying like your court-appointed lawyer who says you stand a chance.

With a jacket tailored for the ample hoon and a jet black shirt, you’ll be hitting the skids in style.

Like a Bathurst ticket holder from the shoulders up and a mechanic attending a wedding from the shoulders down, you’ll feel like top dog whether you’re behind the wheel or behind bars.

THE NINJA

As you chuck your wallet and keys into the x-ray tub, the court security staff’s chins will be wagging about what your mysteriously stylish garb might mean.

Stealthy. Picture: Nicole Garmston

The rare Polar Ninja.

Religious conversion? Star Wars cosplay?

A criminal driver wanting to shield their face from scrutiny?

Like an old fashioned letterbox painted black with a full set of demerit points, you’ll breeze into Court One with nobody knowing your true identity except every journalist in attendance and all of their readers.

If your offending comes up later in a job interview, just say you have a cousin by the same name who feels the cold.

THE COOGI COBBER

Just as no jury could convict the gingerbread man, no court could possibly hate on an old bloke in a knit.

Like a walking advent calendar, the coogi is cosy, festive and will disarm even the toughest protector.

More disarming than the burliest security guard.

The smart choice for court, or Christmas.

Whether popping in on friends at Melbourne General Cemetery or shopping for egg nog, nobody will ever guess you’re a crime patriarch unless they see the security features on your home.

Add chinos with a crease for that ‘just lied about my golf handicap’ look.

Hand out candy canes in December to thrill the kids.

REVERSE PIANO KEY

The ancient oriental symbol of Yin and Yang says every piece of dark chaos must carry a sliver of light.

You’ll hit the right key in this getup.

Let that be a metaphor for your slim chances of rehabilitation in this court garb partly inspired by Flemington general admission.

Decked out like a wedding band drummer or a 16 year-old with a pocket full of contraception at a school formal, you’ll be slaying the ladies right up until final remarks.

DENIM SQUARED

Double denim will never go out of style.

That’s because it was never in style.

But if you really want to make it clear that you’re the baddest of the bad, why not break fashion’s capital rule while you’re also allegedly committing serious criminal offences?

If there’s a chance you’ll spend the rest of your natural life wearing Her Majesty’s pyjama’s, why not cut loose and indulge in the DD while before you do something that carries mandatory remand.