Sami Lukis reveals harsh realities of the singles scene in new book ‘Romantically Challenged’
THE sleazy TV exec, the armed robber, and maybe even her cousin — Sami Lukis has dated them all. Now the Romantically Challenged media personality is dishing the dirt on the harsh realities of the singles scene and she’s not holding back.
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THE sleazy TV exec, the armed robber, Kevin Costner’s bodyguard and, for a frightening moment, maybe even her cousin — Sami Lukis has dated them all.
The media personality dishes the dirt on the harsh realities of the singles scene in her new book, Romantically Challenged.
ALL THE GOOD ONES ARE TAKEN
MY two besties decided to hire me a gigolo for my last birthday. I am not making this up.
Galeb and ‘Gusband’ Tim were having great difficulty deciding what to get me.
“She’s so hard to buy for,” they agreed.
“She really doesn’t need anything,” they said. “What’s the one thing she would really, really like?” they pondered.
And there was only one answer. Sex. Yep. Delightful.
When my darling friends were able to stop laughing about how hilarious this idea was, it suddenly dawned on them that, actually, a little wham-bam-thank-you-Sam would be the perfect birthday gift for their single, 47-year-old friend.
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They even discussed how they’d present it to me. They knew I’d never go for it if they just handed over the fella and said, “Hon, meet Giovanni. He’s all yours. Oh, and we paid for the overnight package, so take your time.”
They knew it would have to be a clandestine operation.
So they planned to bring him along to my birthday dinner disguised as a “friend” and seat him at the end of the table, under instructions to make eyes with me all night. Given enough subtle flirting (and champagne), I might just go home with him.
And they’d only tell me the truth the next day, well and truly after I’d blown out the candles (so to speak).
My outrageously thoughtful buddies did not go ahead with my birthday surprise in the end. But when they told me later that they had seriously considered paying for sex for me, I nearly died. I was horrified.
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Gusband Tim said he even researched some options online, but then realised it was all a terrible mistake as he perused my choices and saw how overly manscaped the male prostitutes all seemed to be.
So, would I have done it? No f---ing way. I still can’t even bring myself to try online dating.
I’m not mad at Tim and Galeb for wanting to pay for me to get some action. I know they had good intentions. And I hadn’t been on a date in months. God knows, they’ve both heard me whinge enough about how hideous it is out there on the 40-plus singles scene.
If you ever want to truly understand the meaning behind the saying “all the good ones are taken”, try dating in your 40s. That’ll sort it out for you pretty quickly.
I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer or anything, but I have had very few positive dating experiences so far this decade.
We’re more mature, so we shouldn’t have time for silly games. We’re wiser, so we shouldn’t be bothered by any of the insignificant crap. We’re more experienced, so we shouldn’t waste energy on people who aren’t on the same wavelength. And we’re more confident and self-assured, so we should know what we want and we shouldn’t be afraid to ask for it (also, the sex should be better).
But I have sadly discovered that dating in my 40s is rife with all the same dilemmas as my previous decades. Plus there’s a whole bonus set of new, complicated, grown-up issues to throw into the mix as well. Yay.
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For example:
■ KIDS:Most guys over 40 have them.
So if things do get serious, you won’t just be bringing him into your life, you’ll also be bringing his kids. And the kids’ mother(s) too. They aren’t all necessarily going to be happy about it — or you.
■ BAGGAGE :We’re both going to have it, guaranteed. But more often than not, the combined baggage is so inconveniently big and bulky, it just gets in the way.
■ BAD HABITS: You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Full stop.
■ PETER PAN SYNDROME: A man who’s 40-plus and coming out of a 10 or 20-year marriage is ripe for a midlife crisis, which will possibly involve the desire to date much younger women. Which means any woman over the age of 35 won’t get a look-in.
■ ONLINE DATING: Older dudes are mad for it. After years with the same partner, they suddenly realise that the smorgasbord of sex available to them through these dating apps is mind-blowing. It makes them feel like Hugh Hefner (RIP). And they embrace it wholeheartedly.
Which brings me to the biggest issue of all: All the good ones really are taken, or gay.
At my age, there are definitely not plenty of fish in the sea. In fact, I wouldn’t even call it a sea. It’s more like one of those inflatable kids’ pools. That’s sprung a leak.
Look, I’m sure there are still some good ones left. But from my experiences and the experiences of all my single 40-something girlfriends who are also out there on the frontline, the number of good, decent, honest, mature, available (emotionally and physically) men for us to date is in alarmingly short supply.
I’ve even heard it suggested that my best option now is to find myself a grieving widower. For real. A man who has suffered the heartbreak of his beloved spouse’s untimely death is my best chance at finding love with a man over 40, because he’s not single by choice.
So he might actually still be a decent bloke. Yep. Men with dead wives are now my target demo. Isn’t that a comforting thought?
Actually, come to think of it, maybe I will grab Giovanni’s number. You know, just in case.
NEVILLE NO PAY
I’M so over the whole “who should pay on a first date” debate. Should the guy pay? Should you always go Dutch? Are you an anti-feminist and a traitor to all women if you let a man pay for your meal?
I know Mars and Venus have been arguing about this since the dawn of time, but I’ve reached a point where I’m chemically incapable of giving a f--- about this topic any longer.
Look, I have to admit that it does impress me when a guy picks up the bill in the early stages of dating. I think it shows some old-school gentlemanly character. It indicates that he might be a good bloke in other ways — kind, considerate, courteous, generous.
Those are all qualities I look for in a partner. But I don’t have an issue with going Dutch. If the fella doesn’t insist on paying, I’m not going to kick him to the kerb over it.
It only becomes an issue if he never pays. Which seemed to be the case when I found myself on a series of unfortunate dates with a 40-something-year-old guy my friends have affectionately named Neville No Pay.
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As his moniker suggests, Neville did not like to pay.
He wasn’t even fond of going halfsies. When the bill came, he would usually just fold his arms, sit back and watch me hand over my credit card. We went on a total of six dates. I paid for four of them.
To be fair, Neville did pay for our first coffee date. The bill was around nine bucks. On our second date, I just automatically threw my credit card on the table when the bill arrived after dinner.
He didn’t offer his, so I paid for it in full.
I was a little surprised that he didn’t even offer to split the bill, but I just assumed it would naturally evolve into a “take turns” situation from then on. Sadly, it did not. Neville let me pay. In full. On every date thereafter.
I asked the girlfriend who set us up what was going on. Was he broke? Had his ex-wife taken him to the cleaners? How could a guy in his 40s be so totally clueless?
She was shocked. He apparently ran a very successful business and, as far as she knew, he was quite comfortable financially.
We all have that one friend we can count on for a brutally honest answer to any question. That friend, for me, is Nicole.
She’s truckloads of fun, she’s got a heart of gold and she has a more finely tuned BS meter than anyone else I know. She has no qualms about voicing her opinion, even if she knows it’s the one thing I really, really, really don’t want to hear.
So when conversation with Nicole rolled around to the Neville No Pay dilemma, her advice was blunt.
“The guy’s a tight-arse,” she told me. “Get rid of him.”
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The last straw with Neville No Pay came after a meal with four other couples. It was a big, boozy dinner so it was a pretty hefty bill.
It was agreed that the bill would be split evenly between the couples and all the men put their cards on the table. Except Neville. I waited a while, but he didn’t move.
So eventually I added my credit card to the others so we could all pay up and go home. Neville pretended not to notice. But someone else did.
When the waitress came to take the cards and process the bill, one of his friends reached over, removed my card from the bunch, handed it back to me and then turned to Neville and said, “Buddy, don’t be an idiot. Give me your f---ing credit card.”
It’s the only time a man has been forced into paying for a date with me. It was humiliating.
I stopped replying to his texts and calls after that and eventually he got the hint.
I never slept with Neville, or even kissed him, on any of our six dates. But I hung in there, hoping the attraction might come if I developed feelings for him. I now wonder if that was the reason he never paid.
Maybe he wasn’t into me, or maybe he just wasn’t prepared to fork out until he knew he was guaranteed a return on his investment.
— Edited extract from Romantically Challenged, Sami Lukis, published by Viking. RRP $32.99, out Monday.
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