A modern dater’s guide to Tinder and beyond

IT CAN be tough finding love the old-fashioned way by heading out to a bar on a Saturday night — so here are the dos and don’ts for surviving in the dating app jungle.

I Sat happy, sipping a fine wine and sated after sharing tapas at the cosy bar of a lively little restaurant my Happn date had suggested.

So far, so good. It’s an unavoidable truth that you never quite know what you’re going to get when meeting someone in person for the first time after previously only interacting on a dating app.

Will they look at all like their picture? Just how awkward will the conversation be? Will they reveal themselves as a weirdo who asks if my womb is in child-bearing condition (an actual real turn of events for a close friend)?

Still, as a hopeful single, you press on because saying no means you miss 100 per cent of the shots you don’t take.

When I arrived, it turned out the guy waiting at the bar was good-looking, tall and had provided some fairly witty banter — about as much as any girl can wish for.

Australia is the No. 1 country for Tinder users per capita. Picture: istock

But then out of nowhere:

Him: So, what do you think of this place? Do you like it?

Me: It’s fantastic. Really lovely, great food — consider me a new fan. Do you come here often?

Him: You could say that, yes. I actually had my wedding reception here a year ago.

Cue a fresh white pallor on my face and white noise conquering restaurant buzz.

Apparently panic was written all over my face, as my “date” looked suddenly surprised and threw in, “Oh, don’t worry, I’m not married any more. That was over a few months ago.”

Now, I’m no dating guru but I believe it may pay to avoid haunts to do with major past relationships on a first date … or maybe even just keep your yap shut when it comes to those details.

The world of dating apps is a minefield. If you’re a single looking for love (or even just some weekend action), you’ll know exactly how widespread use of dating apps is these days.

If you’re a smug married-type, your single pals may have allowed you the small amusement of a short-lived swipe session-by-proxy on occasion.

But did you all know that by the end of 2015, Australia was the worldwide No. 1 country for Tinder users per capita as it was revealed more than 15 per cent of us were swiping our fingers left and right over potential digital matches regularly? That equates to about 3.6 million Aussies. Yep, it appears we’re that keen on sorting through our potential mates via a badly lit bathroom selfie.

This just happens to coincide with another notable change in Aussie society: the increase of the singleton. Since the time the wide-leg dungaree was first a fashion staple (the ’70s), the rate of single-person households has been sharply on the up, with predictors indicating this number will increase another 63 per cent by 2036 to about 3.4 million.

Two other major dating apps are also dominating the local matchmaking scene, Bumble and Happn. They are lagging behind Tinder a little but their rapid growth stats are none too shabby either. We’re Bumble’s fourth largest market and Happn’s 14th.

The world of dating apps is a minefield.

Not too sure what these Johnny-come-latelies are? Bumble was founded to lend more power to sisters-in-arms by requiring ladies to make the first move on digital suitors they find, well, suitable. Both sides have 24 hours each to make contact, otherwise the match disappears forever.

Bumble, FYI, as my cobbled-together focus group of about 50 avid app users for this article attests, generally has a reputation as offering a better-quality candidate for dating than Tinder.

Bumble’s head of operations Caroline Ellis says Australia has the highest number of average matches per active user — read: we are actively seeking connections on this app. Tinder, in contrast, is more commonly viewed as a bit of a one-night-stand go-to.

Happn is a proximity-based app, allowing users passing by each other to connect.

What is clear is that dating apps aren’t going anywhere soon, with new ones cropping up all the time: POF (Plentyoffish), Coffee Meets Bagel (encouraging first dates and chats), Bristlr (connecting guys with beards with those who find the hirsute look hot), Farmers Only (complete with tagline: city folks just don’t get it), Tindog (helping dog owners connect), Trek Passions (allowing sci-fi fans to connect) and even Gluten-Free Singles.

Given the variety, and potential for confusion, here’s our guide to surviving and thriving in the world of dating apps.

PICTURE IT

TINDER recently introduced a feature called Smart Photos, which constantly tests your profile images and loads up the one that clocks best results first. My advice: use it.

One would do well not to make a first impression with that bathroom mirror selfie starring their sidekick, the dunny.

Gym selfies and headless bare torso shots are the next spot of bother. Ladies, in particular, find it off-putting. As brand executive Gabriela, 36, puts it, “I think there’s a big disparity of realisation between what makes men feel attractive and what women find attractive about men.”

Gym shots are a big no-no. Picture: istock

Find another way to show us you are packing gym hours. In case the previous point got you wondering boys, penis pics are in the same category. Keep it under the jock strap, unless she requested one.

Any kind of hunting picture was the No. 1 “no” on most ladies’ lists.

My sisters, Snapchat filter pics, put them away. This was men’s No. 1 gripe. More specifically, the flower crown and the puppy one. I know, I know, that filter makes your skin look so damned good. But men surveyed agreed all it communicates is someone a little insecure.

The clothes maketh the man, sir, and those bad board shorts and/or thongs are a typical yet heinous offence within the dating landscape, especially those still flogging the Aussie flag. Try popping on your Sunday best, at least for one of your shots.

Say no to group pics. One is the limit. If we flip through four pics and cannot tell which one you are, it’s game over.

And now we come to the festival phenomenon that is Burning Man and its devotees. On dating apps, the general consensus was if you’re a starter at this festival, you’re a dating douche.

Girls, we know it makes you look cute, but step away from the puppy filter.

TELL ME ABOUT IT, STUD

THE little space at the bottom of everyone’s dating profile that barely rates a mention — your written bio — is still an important side note. First and foremost, whatever you write, run a quick spell check, courtesy of Mr Google.

Avoid a detailed description of what physicality you find attractive — this was something both sexes found arrogant.

On the flip side, a few ladies have reported a trend towards men trumpeting “sapiosexual” tendencies (an attraction to intelligence, for those scratching their heads at home).

A “no” from the ladies was listing your education as the “school of hard knocks”. This goes for any social media, actually.

Another hard truth from guys to girls was listing your occupation as “entrepreneur”. All ladies were unequivocal that it’s a solid 0/10, with one putting it bluntly — “It’s basically code for unemployed.”

And the not-so-startling revelation that you “like your sports”? Show me a man who doesn’t love sport. Also, those who let you know they are avid participants in CrossFit or Tough Mudder, you come off looking like over-vocal vegans of the sporting world.

You won’t catch anyone with a hunting selfie. Picture: istock

HOT LITTLE HANDS

SO what are the best times to get trigger happy with swiping? Ellis says Sunday morning in Oz is the best time for Bumblers, with 8am on being prime time to get a little honey. “Can you say, lazy Sundays in bed?” Ellis quips.

Tinder reports daily peak times of 9-10pm, ramping up from 5pm (finish work, think playtime) and a ramp-up toward the weekend.

This may seem obvious, but just in case … Valentine’s Day is as crazy for dating app hopefuls as the line-up outside an Apple store on iPhone launch day, with a reported 60 per cent increase in matches.

Drop into Bumble before you jump out of bed on Sunday.

LET ME BREAK THE ICE

SO you’ve made a match. This is the point where the process can become tricky/tedious.

There are a million and one ways to open a conversation. The easiest is to scope their pictures and/or profile description for something you can draw attention to — love of pizza, picnics, the Taj Mahal, it doesn’t matter.

Here are easy ideas for those who can’t be bothered to weave any personal detail into the icebreaker: a recent Tinder study showed conversations that began with a GIF are 30 per cent more likely to get a response. It also showed the ensuing conversations last twice as long as those sans GIF.

And while it may require a touch more Google effort, men who name-dropped or threw out a line from Shakespeare were 27 per cent more likely to get a response.

Girls go wild for the Bard. Picture: AP Photo/Lefteris Pitarakis

COOL YOUR JETS

THERE are many reasons a person may not message you back on a dating app — and many will have nothing to do with you and everything to do with what is going on in this stranger’s life, so don’t get your knickers in a twist about it. Keep your cool and don’t message them
a second time asking if they’re alive. It only comes off looking desperate and weird.

Melina, 24, a real estate agent, had a guy contact her when she was out with friends one day, only to message again 30 minutes later giving her a clear time frame of two hours to respond and letting her know he would be deleting her match otherwise.

Don’t let your insecurities be your lasting impression.

DATE LINE

PLAN a first meeting in a public place. Even if it’s a late-night delight you’re after, meeting in a bar with people around is never a bad idea in the first instance.

The initial date can be fraught. Personally, I like to go with what I call the “Potential Gotta Skate, Mate”. It goes like this.

Him: How does a drink sound Thursday, 7pm?

Me: Sounds perfect. I do have to drop by a friend’s birthday drinks later that night at around 9.30pm though, so we may have to wind up early … hope that’s cool.

A white lie, sure, but it gives a pre-emptive out, should I need one. Of course, there is the old having a friend phone in at a preordained time and you giving a codeword if it’s going badly, at which point they provide you with an emergency out.

Better results come to those who wear muted colours, smile and face forward in their photos. Picture: istock

ARE YOU DECENT?

SOME bad behaviour can be commonplace. Ghosting, or “disappearing without a trace” on a potential suitor, can happen in the early stages of communicating, or more alarmingly, after a few dates.

Breadcrumbing, on the other hand, is when one party entertains just enough contact to keep the other on the line, so to speak, but never enough to initiate any real connection.

It may seem an easy option but all parties surveyed, while admitting they had committed either dating crime, agreed it’d be nice if everyone could simply let the other person know where they’re at, even if it’s bad news.

The potential silver lining to this crime is that some UK therapists recently said our new level of exposure to rejection may be making us all more emotionally resilient. Speaking of bad behaviour, 30 per cent of Tinder users on record in a 2015 study said they were already
in a relationship and a further 12 per cent were married. Add to that the 11 per cent of men who admitted sending an unsolicited photo of their private parts on a dating service.

Love is like a box of chocolates.

I JUST CAN’T CHOOSE

ARGUABLY there have never been as many options available to us, but swipe mentality can have downsides. As one considered date said one night, it’s like being in a lolly shop.

“If I gave you one chocolate and you knew that was the only chocolate you were going to have for the next few months, you would love the hell out of that chocolate, wouldn’t you? And put your best effort into making it last,” he said. “But if you have, say, 16 chocolates to choose from straight up, well, it only makes sense that you’re going to spread your effort and attention thin and it’s just not conducive to creating any kind of decent connection with your ‘chocolate’.”

FLAMIN’ YAHOOS

HERE’S a couple of hints from Tinder: better results apparently come to those who post photos wearing muted colours; 20 per cent more right swipes go to those facing forward in photos; and 14 per cent for those smiling in pics.

Always provide more than one picture and try to include a clear face shot and a full length.

Load up on couch hours before suggesting a “Netflix and chill” session: millennials are 270 per cent more likely to think it’s hot if you’re binge-watching the same TV shows.