Susie O’Brien: Don’t mess with Vegemite our rolled gold Aussie icon

It looks like melted bitumen and tastes like a beef stock cube dropped in salt—but it’s not meant to be in my roast chook.

‘Just because they can, doesn’t mean they should.”

This woman perfectly summed up the culinary conundrum of Vegemite chicken stuffed with cheese.

People are losing their minds at this unseemly union of one of our country’s most popular meats, our most famous bread spread and Bega cheese.

“I’m scared … what’s happening?” said one. “I look forward to picking up one of these bad boys at 9pm for $1.30,” said another.

“Love Vegemite, love cheese, love chicken, but never should the three cross paths!” said a third.

At first, I thought this must be a marketing ploy or an April Fool’s trick like Vegemite Tim Tams a few years back. Sadly, no.

Vegemite chicken can be found on supermarket shelves for $13 right now. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Coles deli product developer Tim Hickox said the company “spent many months ensuring we have nailed the perfect flavour profile so that our customers still get the taste of two iconic products they love, in an exciting new way”.

No, no and no. I don’t want Vegemite in a new and exciting way.

I want it in the old and boring way, ideally licked straight from the knife or spread on Wonder White with lashings of Meadow Lea.

Some confused social media users have asked why Coles would combine the two.

Let’s get one thing straight.

It’s Vegemite. It looks like melted bitumen and tastes like a beef stock cube dropped in salt. It’s not meant to be trendy.

Used yeast, that’s Vegemite’s flavour profile, and that’s nothing wrong with that.

I don’t want to think about Vegemite’s “more-ish and umami qualities” or use it to “elevate the next family get together” as Kraft suggests. And I certainly don’t want to eat it with chicken.

It’s time to get back to basics and stop mucking around with food.

I say no to recent food fads such as glitter coffee, cheese tea, deep fried water, freak shakes, marijuana pizza, Fanta omelettes and sushi served on a naked woman’s body.

Same goes for other taste abominations such as sake Kit Kats, wavy gravy Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and pizza slushies.

These are just some of the bad things are happening to good foods.

As my dad Mick would say, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

(He’d also say: “And don’t lick your knife then put it straight back in the jar”.)

We don’t expect much from chicken, which has suffered all kinds of indignities over the years, from meat slurry nuggets to chow mein to having a beer can stuffed up its innards.

But Vegemite deserves better than being slathered on a supermarket roast chicken and put in an industrial oven to die a slow death.

When it comes to Vegemite, we care.

We recoiled when actor Tom Hanks put too much Vegemite on his toast while he was stuck here with Covid.

We were revolted at the idea of a New York Vegemite pizza.

And we refused on principal to order the abalone schnitzel at Noma in Sydney because it came with a Vegemite dipping sauce.

Like socks and sandals, Moselle in a box and budgie smugglers, Vegemite is a rolled gold Aussie icon that shouldn’t be messed with.

Vegemite has been around for 99 years— if it aint broke, don’t fix it, writes Susie O’Brien.

Let’s not forget that Vegemite has been around for 99 years.

What other 100-year-old food is rich in B vitamins, has almost no fat, and has leftover yeast as its main ingredient?

It’s bad enough these days that Vegemite now comes in a squeezy pack and can be bought pre-mixed with cheese.

Or that it was used to make cheesy Vegemite hot cross buns, which were a huge hit last year.

We’ve had more than enough change from the Yeast Beast already.

Vegemite is now gluten free, Halal, Kosher, low FODMAP, available with 40 per cent less salt and suitable for both vegans and vegetarians.

If you’re so inclined, you can even buy Vegemite themed socks, jocks and ugly Christmas sweaters.

Bouncing back from the epic fail of iSnack2.0, Vegemite is also being reborn as a recipe ingredient with Kraft test kitchen staff tasked with inventing new ways to use vegemite in cooking.

Most of you will remember your mums popping spoonful into a stew or casserole, but Kraft is now trying to sneak it into foods such as Asian slaw, macaroni, pho, hot milk and even sweet treats.

I say no to Vegemite milkshakes, brownies or icy poles.

I say no to yellow and red Vegemite boxer shorts.

And I say no to lukewarm, reheated try-hard Vegemite chicken.

Slather Vegemite on toast, pop it in a stew, use it to polish your shoes or spread it on your scalp to over a bald spot if must.

But don’t mess with it too much.

Equal parts awful and awesome, Vegemite deserves our respect.