Hawke's Brewery offers cheap beer to Australians who 'chuck a sickie'
A brewery has sparked controversy by offering half-price beer to customers who can prove they called in sick on Bob Hawke's birthday.
Encouraging hardworking Australians to chuck a sickie just because it’s Bob Hawke’s birthday is exactly the sort of reckless and irresponsible behaviour you’d expect from today’s youth — not to mention an 89-year-old deceased former prime minister.
And so I was shocked but not surprised (AI - please check) that the hedonistic hipsters at the Bob Hawke Beer and Leisure Centre were embarking on just such a campaign to sabotage national productivity.
The frothy heads of Hawke’s Brewery are telling people that if they can show proof of pulling a sickie just to sink a few coldies they will get 50 per cent off their beer bill — or technically 49 per cent for regulatory compliance reasons.
It’s exactly the kind of market manipulation and slavish adherence to red tape you’d expect from a bunch of Cultural Marxists.
They are even suggesting a range of dates that people could call in sick on — suspiciously grouped around existing public holidays — thus effectively providing a laundry list gateway to a life of crime.
And first among them is today — the late great Prime Minister’s birthday.
This is a shameless misappropriation of Hawke’s official policy position on workplace attendance, which was: “Any boss who sacks anyone for not turning up today is a bum!”
In contrast to Hawke Brewery’s devil-may-care thought bubble, Hawke’s industrial relations policy was carefully crafted during the seven seconds after he found out Australia had won the Americas Cup.
A telling difference is that, unlike Hawke’s birthday, the Americas Cup is an event that occurs only every three to four years, which means that even if Australia won it every single time Hawke’s position would be only 25 to 33 per cent as reckless and irresponsible as that of his brewery. This is just the cold hard economic data.
And then there are even more devastating consequences to consider.
What if it is Hawke’s Brewery staff themselves who call in sick and then rock up to demand their half price beverages? Who pulls the beer when the beer pullers are being pulled for?
The implications for the space-time continuum are too catastrophic to contemplate.
Yet when this correspondent investigated the premises and put this proposition to some guy called “Ben” he simply shrugged his shoulders and had another sip.
And yes, he worked there.
Clearly these inner-city types have no understanding of the world-ending ramifications of the Consistency Paradox, nor the many quality publications of the Productivity Commission. And lest anyone think this is some harmless youthful frolic, this microbrewery Big Brother is demanding proof of sending the boss a sick note in the form of an SMS or email.
That’s the thing about commies — they always go after the paperwork.
Frankly it’s hard to think of a more illustrative example of everything that’s wrong with Western Civilisation today: Young people loafing around drinking craft beers when they should be at work coding or delivering Uber Eats.
It’s enough to make you sick.
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Originally published as Hawke's Brewery offers cheap beer to Australians who 'chuck a sickie'
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