‘Nasty, dangerous’: Why I’m anti-vapes and anti-Botox

Vaping. I don’t get it. I see vapes as pacifiers for giant adult babies, why must we always have something in our mouths?

Nikki Osborne

I’d forgotten about smoking. All of my friends have kicked the habit. It’s been phased out of public spaces. You can go out for lunch and it’s a rare sight to see a smoke-plumed fag hag on smoko.

And to me, it’s wonderful. Not only because I no longer have to blow out sooty boogers after a night out but also because it means as a collective we’ve taken a giant leap away from pegging it from lung cancer in our 60s. Well done us.

Travelling around Europe reminded me of just how advanced Australia is when it comes to health.

In Europe, every time I opened my mouth for pizza it was violated by a cloud of cancer from the neighbouring table. Some of the busier piazzas felt like bushfire season. Stunning yes, refreshing no. So returning home to Oz was literally a breath of fresh air.

Oh but wait, have we just replaced one nasty dangerous habit with another one?

Vaping. I don’t get it. I see them as pacifiers for giant adult babies. Suckling on this lithium battery-infused bubble berry tube like they’re rock stars.

Why must we always have something in our mouths?

We go from dummies to thumbs to Push Pops to HB pencils, and now to vapes.

We’ve gone from sucking in smoke and nicotine to sucking in, what, a chemical pipe?

Have you ever cut one open? I’ve seen less offensive discharge from the outfall pipe of a Turkish prison. Are we not concerned that in 15 years it’ll be revealed that it’s even worse than a gasper?

Vapes confiscated from school children. Picture: Dr Jody Morgan /Dr Celine Kelso

I know we all have our vices. I enjoy a nip or two of scotch to take the edge off a stressful day. I also have a nip of scotch to celebrate a good day or I’ll also have a wee dram on a boring day. OK, I’m Ron Burgundy.

In my defence however, scotch has been around for centuries and some of the longest-living people I know have a tipple a day to keep the defib away. But what about our vapists?

Perhaps I’m just a terrified and rather uncool wuss. Chemicals scare me.

I’ve even resisted getting the tox on my forehead because I’m afraid tumours will start growing out of my face … and looking like a lizard.

Nikki Osborne

I’m even afraid of diet foods. Basically anything you can’t pick or harvest from the ground, it’s a nope from me.

My friends and our teenage sons were at a barbecue recently discussing vaping, at which point I said, “Gosh, I’d rather you smoked weed than get on the chemical pipe” at which point my friend slapped me. Rightly so. Poor example.

But my point was, we don’t know what the knock-on effects of vaping will be and that’s why I’m writing this article.

So the question I’m asking is: Is vaping cool enough to ignore the risks?

Originally published as ‘Nasty, dangerous’: Why I’m anti-vapes and anti-Botox