Gossip, office grouch or cheerleader: Which co-worker are you?

Are you the office grouch or gossip queen? Frances Whiting breaks down the characters she believes are in every office, which one are you?

I have worked in a newspaper office of one kind or another for 25 years – give or take the odd ones spent having children or writing books.

This means I have witnessed just about every sort of office layout the human resource department has deemed optimal for productivity.

I have witnessed the individual cubicle, the “silo” years which meant we were grouped together according to our areas of expertise.

The silos were eventually disbanded for becoming too cliquey, and there was also a concern some people were running poker rings from them.

I’ve also experienced the much-hated “hot desking” trend, which is the one where nobody has an actual, designated desk, but instead arrives at work and has to frantically try to find one that’s not taken, in a sort of sadistic office version of musical chairs.

And, just as I’ve witnessed every sort of workplace seating arrangement, I am very confident I have also been privy to every sort of office co-worker.

Here follows some of the recurring cast of characters I believe are to be found in every office. Let me know if I’ve missed anybody.

Frances Whiting breaks down the cast of characters found in an office.

The Keeper of the Photocopier This is the only person in the building who knows exactly what to do in every error situation with this piece of office equipment. “Aah, an E4, that’ll be an inkjet cartridge malfunction.” This person will also let you know in no uncertain terms, that paper jam is all your fault.

The Gossip This person knows every single bit of juicy information that is going on in every single department. Often found in the kitchen, they begin every conversation by looking around, lowering their voice and saying, “Don’t tell anybody, but …” This person also knows you are being made redundant before you do.

The Party Boy/Girl This person begins every email with, “Hey guys …” and is constantly trying to get Taco Tuesdays going. Lobbying for a ping pong table in the break room, this person will soon be leaving to work at Google.

The Confessor This person is always asking to meet you in the bathroom so they can whisper to you: “You know how I told Tony I’d worked all weekend on that research he asked for? I haven’t even started it, I went to the Gold Coast on a girls’ weekend and had sex with a barista.”

The Cake Baker This person hates any sort of office conflict or confrontation whatsoever, and firmly believes every single problem in the world can be solved by a tray of homemade, chocolate brownies in a Tupperware container.

Frances Whiting discusses how to tell if you’re the office grouch from the gossip queen. Picture: Tara Croser.

The Office Grouch This person spends their entire day telling anyone who will listen how overworked, underpaid, better at everything than everyone else they (the Grouch) are, how this place was much better in their day, and how someone stole their sandwich from the fridge in 1992.

The Cheerleader This person is relentlessly upbeat, no matter what. Smiles at everyone. Knows everybody’s children’s names. Sometimes brings flowers in to “brighten the place up”. The Office Grouch really, really hates this person.

The Lurker This person watches you work from over your shoulder, standing behind your computer and asks what you are working on, even though they are looking right at it. This person is 100 per cent after your job.

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Originally published as Gossip, office grouch or cheerleader: Which co-worker are you?