Research shows we never get over our first crush – here's why

They stay with us a while

If you’ve ever wondered why you keep going for the same “type”, your very first crush might have some explaining to do.

Let’s take a trip down memory lane: your first crush. Was it a Disney character (shoutout to Aladdin stans), a classmate in kindergarten, or a movie star whose poster you had in your bedroom?

Thanks to my older brother’s taste in movies, mine was Christopher Reeve as Superman, heroic, chiselled, and always saving the day. Later came Henry Cavill. And to this day, I’m suspicious of how many Clark Kent lookalikes I’ve dated, but I’m not mad about it. 

Turns out, I’m not alone. Studies suggest those early butterflies might still be flapping around in your psyche, subtly shaping the people you’re attracted to as an adult.

The science of “first love” imprinting

According to research in The Conversation, our earliest attractions leave a mark—a romantic blueprint that sticks around. This phenomenon is rooted in the way our brains learn through association. Much like Pavlov’s dogs salivating at the sound of a bell, we associate traits we find attractive with positive feelings, especially during emotionally charged rollercoaster experiences like crushes.

A study on rats (stay with me) found that male rats preferred their first sexual partner, even when presented with newer, arguably “better” options. Researchers even threw perfume and little rat jackets into the mix, but the rats’ loyalty to their “first” held strong. The takeaway? Early romantic or sexual experiences can make our brains prefer certain traits, smells, or vibes.

According to research in The Conversation, our earliest attractions leave a mark—a romantic blueprint that sticks around. Image: Unsplash

Why we love familiarity (and why it’s a trap)

Humans are wired to love what feels familiar. And first crushes, whether they were a Disney prince or the kindergarten cutie, often become the emotional equivalent of a cozy blanket.

Here’s the catch: we’re drawn to what we know, not necessarily what’s good for us. What felt like butterflies at 15 might be anxiety dressed in nostalgia at 30. Familiarity can trap us in patterns that no longer serve us like Spotify suggesting endless variations of the same playlist.

However, familiarity is also why we feel safe with certain people and naturally connect with them. The trick is making sure those familiar traits compliment you today, not the you who doodled “I love Leonardo DiCaprio” in their notebook during recess. 

Humans are wired to love what feels familiar. And first crushes, whether they were a Disney prince or the kindergarten cutie, often become the emotional equivalent of a cozy blanket. Image: iStock

Breaking free from outdated crushes

Think back to that first crush. What was it about them? Was it their sense of humour, athleticism, or their rebellious streak? Fast forward to now: do your current partners share any of those traits?

Many of our early crushes weren’t entirely our choice. Hollywood, Disney, and MTV were practically handing us our “types” on a silver platter, complete with unrealistic perfection. These early narratives set us up for crushes that might not work in real life.

If your first crush has you stuck chasing a type that no longer works, it’s time for a reality check. Here’s how to reflect and reset:

#1. Spot the pattern

Write down the traits of your first crush and compare them to your recent partners. Are there any glaring similarities (good or bad)?

#2. Ask why

Are you chasing these traits because they genuinely make you happy or out of habit? Sometimes, we project fantasies onto people, mistaking familiarity for compatibility.

Are you chasing these traits because they genuinely make you happy or out of habit?Image: iStock

#3. Time to redefine

Focus on traits that align with who you are now, not who you were at six or 16.

#4. Experiment

Date outside your comfort zone. Attraction is flexible, and exposing yourself to new people can rewire your preferences over time.

What crushes reveal about you

Crushes aren’t just about the other person; according to Jungian psychology, they mirror what you value, crave, or lack. If your first crush was the rebellious type, maybe you were drawn to the freedom they represented, something you didn’t feel you had at the time.

Think of crushes as emotional breadcrumbs, leading you toward what you want and value. Stop looking at your crush like a trait checklist and ask yourself what their vibe says about you. What are you projecting onto them, and what does that reveal about where you are now?

If your first crush was the rebellious type, maybe you were drawn to the freedom they represented, something you didn’t feel you had at the time. Image: iStock

Crush on this good news 

While your first crush may have set the tone, you’re not doomed to replay the same romantic mixtape forever. Crushes, like people, reflect where we are at a given moment. They’re meant to inspire, to push us toward growth, not box us in.

Crushes are fun, inspiring, and a little ridiculous. But as an adult, you get to decide which parts of your “type” you keep and which you leave in the yearbook. Now, go forth and crush wisely. Superman’s great, but maybe it’s time for a Batman? Plus, Henry Cavill is taken.

Originally published as Research shows we never get over our first crush – here's why