'Why do all my friendships start as crushes?'

Sex isn't always the defining feature of a relationship 

Why do so many friendships start as romantic interests? Image: Pexels

Have you ever felt butterflies in a new relationship, only for them to become one of your closest friends? Turns out, this could be more common than you think.

I have a vivid memory of walking into a bar in my early twenties and seeing a man I thought was so beautiful, he almost took my breath away. 

He was working and as I sat down, ordered a drink and looked into his sparkly eyes, the peak of his cheek bones rosily beaming down on me, it immediately made my day. 

We became instant friends. There was an electricity between us that was undeniable. We exchanged Instagrams and numbers and then I went on a two-week holiday and I thought about him the entire time. Was this the most intense crush I’d ever experienced? 

I’d definitely had my fair share of crushes by my early twenties. They give you something to daydream about at school, in the stuffy lecture rooms of university, when you’re sitting and waiting for your takeaway coffee order. 

Crushes are fun. As someone with a romantic imagination, I’ve always allowed myself to indulge in a consuming crush – this was no different.

But when I came back from my holiday and we finally caught up – we went out for after-work drinks and stayed up chatting in the laneways of Melbourne’s CBD until the sun came up – I realised that maybe it wasn’t a romantic crush, but more of a platonic soul-connection. 

We kissed, and I didn’t feel the butterflies I was expecting to feel. His lips were soft and he smelt amazing, but I didn’t feel the immediate desire to rip off all his clothes and be with him forever. 

I was so confused. I’d been thinking about him for weeks in a romantic sense, but were we destined to be just friends?

Can we be attracted to people we’re supposed to be friends with in a romantic way first? Image: Pexels

As I reflect on this experience now, I realise it doesn’t stand alone. This was my first time experiencing a full-on friend crush, but this has happened to me multiple times now, with people I call some of my closest friends today. 

They haven’t all gone the same way, some I actually did date, sleep with and have a physical or romantic connection with for some time before the friendship part of our journey entered the chat. But each time, it started with a crush. 

This makes me wonder, is this an actual scientific thing? Can we be attracted to people we’re supposed to be friends with in a romantic way first? Is attraction just another vehicle for us to get closer to people we have the potential to love, even platonically?

“Research suggests that the dynamics of physical attraction and emotional connection are complex and can vary widely among individuals,” says psychotherapist Amber Rules. 

“However, emotional intimacy and shared experiences can often influence our overall attraction to others, regardless of the nature of the relationship. For some folks, physical attraction may evolve from deep emotional connection, while for others it might precede emotional or physical intimacy.”

This goes to show how complex and multifaceted relationships can be. Image: iStock

Ultimately, whether physical attraction draws us to someone or manifests through emotional connection depends on each person's preferences and nature, she says. “I think this goes to show how complex and multifaceted relationships can be.”

“We are often navigating a spectrum of connections where physical attraction may coexist with emotional intimacy, or where one aspect may dominate over another.”

I often think that we can tell if we’re supposed to know someone by just looking at them. It’s like an energy, an aura or something about them that speaks to you. Attraction is an individual experience and for me, as someone who identifies as pansexual, it’s all about vibes. I’d like to think that those “vibes” – as I’ve so eloquently described – can be felt from an initial glance or first impression, which is easy to mistake for a crush.

But maybe it’s not a mistake, and having a crush on someone who is destined to be a best friend is a blessing in disguise. 

“It’s not uncommon for people to find that some of their closest friendships stem from connections that initially involved some sort of romantic or physical attraction,” says Rules. 

“The depth of emotional connection established during these experiences can often lay a strong foundation for wonderful, caring, enduring friendships. This is especially true in queer relationships, where traditional gender and romance ideas are broader, fuller and more fluid.”

It’s important to maintain a strong friendship and space for communication for all involveId. Image: iStock.

For people in fluid relationship structures, like ethical non-monogamy and polyamory, having crushes and relationships that flow between the sexual and the platonic is a part of regular life. Within those kinds of relationships, it’s important to maintain a strong friendship and space for communication for all involved. It’s a heightened experience of what the spectrum of connection can look like. 

Although my current relationship is mostly monogamous (although I’d prefer labels didn’t exist at all), I’d say I fit into the category of people who interact within the spectrum of attraction and connection at all times. Many of my friends have also been lovers, and I’m honest about that.

For others, having a friend that has previously been a lover can feel a little threatening and scary. It can be a sign that a platonic friendship might be “more” and can instil doubt within monogamous relationship structures. 

To me, it kind of does the opposite. All my best friends that I’ve had crushes on, been to bed with or even just kissed – are people I feel I know super deeply. We’re more comfortable with each other, because the sexual tension has been and gone and we know what it’s like to get intimate, which kinda tells us where we stand. Physical affection is another way to know and communicate with someone, so to have that history with close friends is really nice. 

For some, having a friend that has previously been a lover can feel a little threatening and scary. Image: Getty

“It's a totally normal inclination to want to kiss your friends because you love them and care for them! However, acting on these desires might need some prior discussion of boundaries and relationship dynamics,” says Rules.  

“While some friendships may incorporate physical displays of affection more readily, others may prioritise different forms of intimacy such as emotional support or spending time together.”

I come from an Italian family, so maybe it’s just me and my desire for constant physical affection that allows me to feel really normal kissing my friends. Perhaps it’s a combination of my European roots and my highly romantic nature that sees me develop crushes on the people that are destined to be my closest friends. Either way, I’m not mad at it. 

“Having a crush on your friend at any point during your relationship is not only normal but a universal experience. Attraction can either draw you to a person, or develop through ongoing emotional connection,” says Rules. “In many cases, crushing on your friend is a sign of love, care and mutual respect.”  

“I think the conversation we should be having is more around why we think these behaviours are not normal? My inkling is that we tend to think of friendships as inferior to romantic and monogamous relationships which leaves us in a stale space where we can’t expand the possibilities of what we want our friendships to look like.”

Sex doesn’t always have to be the defining factor in our relationships. Image: iStock

I think the discomfort around sexual and romantic vs platonic attraction says a lot about the sexual shame that still exists within western society. We’re still a society that holds back on physical affection and being vulnerable with our emotions, out loud. It’s not a daily occurrence to see adult best friends walking down the street holding hands. But what if it was? 

One of my best friends Alice always holds my hand when we’re walking together, especially when we cross the road. Each time she does it my heart skips a beat, because it makes me feel loved. Affection is proven to be important for our general happiness, and we know by now that we can’t get all our physical and emotional needs met by our sexual and romantic partners. So why not learn to get cosy with our friends?

Plus, crushes don’t have to be sexual. You can find someone cute and pretty and squishy in a non-sexual way.

“Sex doesn’t always have to be the defining factor in our relationships. Wanting to kiss your friend might not necessarily mean that you want to take the home with you,” says Rules.  

“These feelings don’t only exist in a sexual context. Conversely, I think we’d all benefit from injecting more romance into platonic relationships. 

“Romance ya friends!”

Originally published as 'Why do all my friendships start as crushes?'