‘I’m really concerned about money and my wife doesn’t understand why’

A man is frustrated that his wife doesn’t understand his cost of living concerns, and begs sexologist Isiah McKimmie for help.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears about a man whose wife doesn’t understand his cost of living concerns.

QUESTION: I’m really concerned about money and my wife doesn’t seem to understand why. With our mortgage, bills and groceries all increasing, I’ve explained to her that we need to watch our spending and discuss any big purchases we make.

But two days ago I came home and she’d bought a brand new laptop and has treated the kids to the cinema and dinner out, all at huge expense.

I let rip at her in front of the kids which was the wrong thing to do but I was just so livid. I’ve shown her our bank accounts, she knows we don’t have money, yet she keeps on spending.

What can I do to make her understand?

ANSWER: Finances are a stressful topic for many couples. It’s one of the most common issues for couples to argue about. You’re definitely not alone.

Believe it or not, I’ve seen couples at all different income brackets disagree and argue about money and spending. Although it can seem like it, having more money doesn’t necessarily stop couples arguing over how to spend it.

Sexologist, couples therapist, sex therapist and lecturer Isiah McKimmie. Picture: Isiah McKimmie

You’ve said your wife has seen the bank accounts and “knows we don’t have money”, so it’s not about her understanding how much you have. It sounds like you have different perspectives on spending and saving. You’ll need to understand each other and work on this as a team so it doesn’t cause more friction between you.

How to talk about money in a relationship

You can have different perspectives on topics like money, and still have a happy and lasting relationship. It’s how you talk about this and work together that makes the difference.

Here are some tips and questions to support you.

Aim for understanding before agreeing to action

While money can seem like a ‘logical’, black and white issue, in reality, it’s a highly emotive topic that there are many different approaches to. Different values and different life experiences will impact how we feel about money and our beliefs about how it should be spent.

Aiming to understand each other’s different perspectives helps you have compassion for each other and find ways to compromise.

“Different values and different life experiences will impact how we feel about money and our beliefs about how it should be spent.”. Picture: iStock

Avoid criticising your partner

When we’re upset about an issue in our relationship we often let our partner know through criticism. Criticism erodes a relationship over time and can lead your partner to shut-out what you’re saying. Be careful of not criticising her for her approach. Instead talk about your own emotions and longings.

Share your hopes and longings

Underneath every complaint in a relationship is a hope or longing for how you imagine things could be. Sharing these hopes and longings helps you avoid criticism and builds understanding between you and pave the way for you to work together as a team.

Ask questions to understand your partner

In your question I hear a lot of you ‘explaining’ to your wife and trying to get her to see your perspective. I understand how distressing her spending is for you, but if you’re going to make meaningful change in your relationship, you’re going to need to listen to her perspective too.

Over 40 years of research into happy relationships has shown that in order to really influence our partner, we also need to be willing to hear them and take on some of their perspective too. If we go into an argument only trying to convince our partner of our point of view, we’re going to struggle.

I suspect that your wife is agreeing to what you say to avoid further difficult discussion, but may not really be on board with it. Asking her questions and trying to understand her perspective can help you reach a compromise.

‘You can have different perspectives on topics like money, and still have a happy and lasting relationship.’ Picture: iStock

Reach a temporary compromise

We don’t always get all of what we want in a relationship. Compromise, in the way I’m using it, isn’t about each of you giving something up, but finding a solution that meets both of your needs in the best way possible.

The solution you agree on doesn’t have to be set in stone forever – it’s better if you agree to something for a period of time and then revisit it.

Compromise might include an agreement to save to hit a goal before you relax your spending, or agreeing to a spending budget somewhere between what you want and what she wants – and then agreeing to revise where you’re at financially in a few months.

Helpful questions to ask each other about finances

The following questions help you understand each other’s perspectives on money and spending more clearly.

• What was the financial situation in your house growing up? How do you think this has impacted you?

• Are there any core beliefs, ethics or values you have around money?

• What feelings do you have about this issue?

• How would you like us to deal with money together?

• What are the fears or disaster scenarios you have about money?

• What are your long-term hopes and goals for our finances?

• What are our common goals around this issue?

• How could we reach those goals?

• How can we compromise on this (even temporarily)?

If you continue to struggle with this issue, I recommend reaching out to a couples therapist who can support you to talk about this without causing conflict between you.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

Originally published as ‘I’m really concerned about money and my wife doesn’t understand why’